Venting brain Vomit - 5am Ramble

[ixkitty]

So my partner in crime CTB via gun. He had one chance and he did it... I have 2 methods easily at my fingertips. Sn + DMSO(the one that helps digest and absorb SN), and a gun... I've only ever hid my suicidal intentions from medical professionals.
I have an apt, a job, a car.. do I truly still want to
? I still suffer through depression. All the meds they have given me doesn't work. Many others don't even need medicine to feel some sense of normal. I can't handle a lot of stress or o crack. The problem is I'm not a fighter. I don't feel like the struggle is worth it. So many people say "you're not alone" and "we can help you" but at the end of the day.. they have theirs. They have a husband /wife and a house and everything. I have none of that.

My existence lives off of helping others. And I want to be selfish.. just this once..

Let me tell you how messed up I am right now. I feel like I'm waiting on permission to CTB. As weird as it sounds and I know I won't get it from whoever feel they matter in my life.. okay its 6 now, I suppose I should try to get more sleep.
Thank you for peaking at my brain ted talk

Ixxy

 

[Sherri]

Hun trust me having a house a husband, kid's money, none of that matters. Depression is a slow invisible killer. I know many people who have all these material things and are still miserable. I'm one of them. I opened my heart the other day to a friend and mentioned that this might be my final days. He called most of my relatives. After this I won't open my heart to anyone except here. Telling me how beautiful life is . It's like a crucifix to a vampire.

 

[Meditation guide]

I opened my heart the other day to a friend and mentioned that this might be my final days. He called most of my relatives.

I hope you never speak to that so called friend again.

 

[Sherri]

I hope you never speak to that so called friend again.

No I won't, I just ignore the how are you today constant messages.

 

[ixkitty]

Hun trust me having a house a husband, kid's money, none of that matters. Depression is a slow invisible killer. I know many people who have all these material things and are still miserable. I'm one of them. I opened my heart the other day to a friend and mentioned that this might be my final days. He called most of my relatives. After this I won't open my heart to anyone except here. Telling me how beautiful life is . It's like a crucifix to a vampire.

I hate that .. I am so sorry you had to deal with that... :(