Nitlott
Father's gun, it's a real one
- Feb 17, 2026
- 2
I'll be yapping about one of my sensitive topics. I feel better after posting here especially, so I'll leave it here to take that burden off my shoulders.
I always feel really strange when I try to think about it, like it hurts to just think it over in your head. Something similar to trying to recollect a painful memory and your mind just straight up refusing to do so and tripping at the very beginning.
I have a strange relationship with orientations and...uh... Relationships themselves (sorry for the repetition). I've never experienced any sort of attraction towards anyone, you know, the one which is, in a way, being literally worshipped in our society? It's everywhere, the books, the films, the music, god damnit! So I can't really escape it even in the most important thing in my life. Got carried away there. So, as I said, I never had the experience of these feelings even as a kid. And I still don't really feel it. Which brings me to say that I identify myself as aroace, but it just makes everything even worse.
As a lot of aroace people did, I found that term after I (kind of) accepted being asexual. And that was the moment that something clicked in my head, all the little signs in my life. I remembered how I in middle school "assigned" myself a crush on a classmate by thinking something like "Hm, I guess I don't really spent time with this one and he rarely talks and is usually calm. Doesn't bother me, perfect match!" And how then I approached him to just say hi and realised that "ehh, that kinda sucks" and throwed that idea to the garbage bin the same day lol. How I felt when my mom's friend's kid was talking very weirdly to me on a trip we all went to and how I felt disgusting during that one. But then I remembered a bunch of other stuff too, and because of it I feel like a phoney identifying aroace. Maybe I'm just repulsed by the idea of sex and relationship.
For now there's only two memories I recollected on that topic. The first one in terms of timeline being me stumbling upon videos of people playing hentai games on YouTube... I was fond of anime as a kid so no surprise I'd get recommended that shit sooner or later. And the second that I recollected only a month or so is about me being in a camp with a girl I became friends with (Had similar interests, both were geeks and fans of anime). We'd build our tents for ourselves there, which was really cool! And some day she said to come to our tent for her to show me something. Yeah, for some god fucking reason she decided that it was really cool to watch porn with a friend there. It wasn't extreme (like gore/violence), just...the usual I guess. So there I was sitting with her and forcing myself to stay and watch it. Friends, right? And she was, like, REALLY invested in it. Not the kind it usually means, just... You know... The same thrill a dude gets when he finds old playboy magazines in his grandfather's attic. It wasn't only the hetero, I don't know... Kind? So I'm sure my strange reaction to it wasn't because of some divine revelation about men's and women's anatomy. I don't know how to describe what I mean, like, you know, something similar to little kids interpreting sex as violence. Yeah, so I'm sure it wasn't strange to me because it was taboo. I suck at explaining stuff like that.
And those events are one of the reasons I feel like a phoney identifying aroace. What if they're the reason I feel like that? Like irrational fear or something, despite me knowing perfectly well that it's not that.
Other reasons I feel that is the "You just haven't found the one" argument and similar ones you always hear from people.
When the thought of me being aroace first hit me, it was such a relief! Finally, I'm not the crazy one, there's people just like me. I finally felt at peace with myself for a while. But as time went on, it just made things worse. The ever going debate on if aroace is valid and a part of LGBTQ+, people saying it's not valid and a mental illness and all that got to my head. So, in the end and as of now, me being aroace and it's impact (?) on my never leaving suicidal thoughts went from "There's definitely something wrong and sick with me, I should just die" to "I'll never be able to accept myself and be accepted by others, I should just die". Yay? I mean, something definitely changed?
And the most major problems I have with this is my internalised aphobia and the fact that I'll never be able to feel accepted fully. It'll probably sound awful but fuck It would be so fucking easier if I was just gay. Like hey, I at least know that my family will support me in THAT case! And it's more... Socially accepted in a way. Like, "that person just has different preference, we still relate to each other in terms of relationships!". Way easier to understand that than the fact that some people are just different. But it's still not the norm, so yeah.
I have a strange relationship with orientations. In my little utopia world in my sick head there's just no such thing as an orientation. It's just who you love. Like, you love her ? Great. You love him the next day? Good for you. But I know it's not possible in our world, at the very least because of our nature and our love to fit people into the "us" and "outsiders" boxes. I guess it's just one of these things you do to simplify everything to cope.
And I always feel like I'm faking it. Yeah, it's a spectrum, thanks Captain Obvious, I know. There's no wrong way of being gay or straight or anything else in the world. It's just the internalised thing I'll carry with myself to the grave.
For now my orientation is one of the excuses I'll use to justify why I'll blow my brains out in an abandoned shithole outside the city in 5 years or so.
If someone really read this pathetic little shit story, thank you. And sorry if it sounded incoherent and had mistakes.
I always feel really strange when I try to think about it, like it hurts to just think it over in your head. Something similar to trying to recollect a painful memory and your mind just straight up refusing to do so and tripping at the very beginning.
I have a strange relationship with orientations and...uh... Relationships themselves (sorry for the repetition). I've never experienced any sort of attraction towards anyone, you know, the one which is, in a way, being literally worshipped in our society? It's everywhere, the books, the films, the music, god damnit! So I can't really escape it even in the most important thing in my life. Got carried away there. So, as I said, I never had the experience of these feelings even as a kid. And I still don't really feel it. Which brings me to say that I identify myself as aroace, but it just makes everything even worse.
As a lot of aroace people did, I found that term after I (kind of) accepted being asexual. And that was the moment that something clicked in my head, all the little signs in my life. I remembered how I in middle school "assigned" myself a crush on a classmate by thinking something like "Hm, I guess I don't really spent time with this one and he rarely talks and is usually calm. Doesn't bother me, perfect match!" And how then I approached him to just say hi and realised that "ehh, that kinda sucks" and throwed that idea to the garbage bin the same day lol. How I felt when my mom's friend's kid was talking very weirdly to me on a trip we all went to and how I felt disgusting during that one. But then I remembered a bunch of other stuff too, and because of it I feel like a phoney identifying aroace. Maybe I'm just repulsed by the idea of sex and relationship.
For now there's only two memories I recollected on that topic. The first one in terms of timeline being me stumbling upon videos of people playing hentai games on YouTube... I was fond of anime as a kid so no surprise I'd get recommended that shit sooner or later. And the second that I recollected only a month or so is about me being in a camp with a girl I became friends with (Had similar interests, both were geeks and fans of anime). We'd build our tents for ourselves there, which was really cool! And some day she said to come to our tent for her to show me something. Yeah, for some god fucking reason she decided that it was really cool to watch porn with a friend there. It wasn't extreme (like gore/violence), just...the usual I guess. So there I was sitting with her and forcing myself to stay and watch it. Friends, right? And she was, like, REALLY invested in it. Not the kind it usually means, just... You know... The same thrill a dude gets when he finds old playboy magazines in his grandfather's attic. It wasn't only the hetero, I don't know... Kind? So I'm sure my strange reaction to it wasn't because of some divine revelation about men's and women's anatomy. I don't know how to describe what I mean, like, you know, something similar to little kids interpreting sex as violence. Yeah, so I'm sure it wasn't strange to me because it was taboo. I suck at explaining stuff like that.
And those events are one of the reasons I feel like a phoney identifying aroace. What if they're the reason I feel like that? Like irrational fear or something, despite me knowing perfectly well that it's not that.
Other reasons I feel that is the "You just haven't found the one" argument and similar ones you always hear from people.
When the thought of me being aroace first hit me, it was such a relief! Finally, I'm not the crazy one, there's people just like me. I finally felt at peace with myself for a while. But as time went on, it just made things worse. The ever going debate on if aroace is valid and a part of LGBTQ+, people saying it's not valid and a mental illness and all that got to my head. So, in the end and as of now, me being aroace and it's impact (?) on my never leaving suicidal thoughts went from "There's definitely something wrong and sick with me, I should just die" to "I'll never be able to accept myself and be accepted by others, I should just die". Yay? I mean, something definitely changed?
And the most major problems I have with this is my internalised aphobia and the fact that I'll never be able to feel accepted fully. It'll probably sound awful but fuck It would be so fucking easier if I was just gay. Like hey, I at least know that my family will support me in THAT case! And it's more... Socially accepted in a way. Like, "that person just has different preference, we still relate to each other in terms of relationships!". Way easier to understand that than the fact that some people are just different. But it's still not the norm, so yeah.
I have a strange relationship with orientations. In my little utopia world in my sick head there's just no such thing as an orientation. It's just who you love. Like, you love her ? Great. You love him the next day? Good for you. But I know it's not possible in our world, at the very least because of our nature and our love to fit people into the "us" and "outsiders" boxes. I guess it's just one of these things you do to simplify everything to cope.
And I always feel like I'm faking it. Yeah, it's a spectrum, thanks Captain Obvious, I know. There's no wrong way of being gay or straight or anything else in the world. It's just the internalised thing I'll carry with myself to the grave.
For now my orientation is one of the excuses I'll use to justify why I'll blow my brains out in an abandoned shithole outside the city in 5 years or so.
If someone really read this pathetic little shit story, thank you. And sorry if it sounded incoherent and had mistakes.
