Venting BPD, mood swings and going from joyful to planning to ctb again within the same day..

[Bathsheba]

So last Friday I got it confirmed that my probable bpd is emotionally unstable personality disorder (I thought that was the same?) and I decided to tell people like my parents, with whom I've had a difficult relationship always.
Today I was feeling positive.. therapy booked with a psychotherapist on thurs.. I tried to go out and keep busy, didn't drink alcohol last night for the first night in weeks. Ctb was put on hold for a long while maybe permanently.
Then.. half an hour ago saw my mum for the first time since I told her my diagnosis. She didn't mean to make me feel this way.. but spent half an hour telling me she had always known there was something wrong with me since age 3.. then listing all my weirdnesses, all the shit I ever did which she thought was abnormal.. and revealed she went to the dr about me numerous times when I was a child. Then she complained to me that no one would listen to her and somehow seemed like she was looking for sympathy having such a nightmare daughter.
Probably I'm not explaining very well, I'm sorry.
Just went and bought wine, razors and just wish I could drive to Beachy Head now but my husband will be back soon .
I'm just a fucking mess and always have been.. I've been broken since I was born. Just a whole life time of a joke. Even my parents always thought that I had something wrong with me. I'm just a mistake and shouldn't have been born

 

[BipolarExpat]

I'm sorry Baths.

I've had similar (uncomfortable) conversations with family members too. Made me regret "opening that door" immediately.

I hope your husband has a more sympathetic ear for you.

 

[Bathsheba]

I'm sorry Baths.

I've had similar (uncomfortable) conversations with family members too. Made me regret "opening that door" immediately.

I hope your husband has a more sympathetic ear for you.

Thank you. He does. But not being pro choice he will never understand the peace I crave and he will never understand that I KNOW I'm fucking done with this shit life xx

 

[BipolarExpat]

My wife neither Baths....<shaking head>
Some folks will never get it.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Hi @Bathsheba ,

Have you gone down the road of researching what your family life / relationship with your parents
was like as a child ?

It seems to me you are taking a lot of responsibility for things that may have been beyond your control .

All those jargon ideas like 'gaslighting' and 'munchausen by proxy' come to mind ....

( sorry if I'm being a pain in the arse wanna be psychologist ... it's just that I was always blamed for stuff as a kid , and what you wrote reminded me of it . - sorry you are suffering this emotional see-saw ... I relate to that too and it sucks .)

 

[Bathsheba]

Hi @Bathsheba ,

Have you gone down the road of researching what your family life / relationship with your parents
was like as a child ?

It seems to me you are taking a lot of responsibility for things that may have been beyond your control .

All those jargon ideas like 'gaslighting' and 'munchausen by proxy' come to mind ....

( sorry if I'm being a pain in the arse wanna be psychologist ... it's just that I was always blamed for stuff as a kid , and what you wrote reminded me of it . - sorry you are suffering this emotional see-saw ... I relate to that too and it sucks .)

Thank you for being nice.. I guess I haven't gone into it all in depth. I told my husband about all the shit my mum said when he got back and he's fuming.. says he will never speak to her again. My dad was an alcoholic and my mum seemed to always put me down from a young age.
The thing is.. parents are like god.. and when they think you're a pile of crap you believe them, cliche as it is... xxx

 

[Rachel74]

Sending you a huge hug Baths
My mom actually said similar to yours and the reason why mom did is she had never got over her own dad committing suicide and tried to wrap me in cotton wool so the same didn't happen to me. My mom never understood me but my stepdad was amazing. It wasn't until my mom was dying of lung cancer that she understood fully why someone wanted to end their suffering and I made a pact with her thaf if it got too much I'd help her end it. Sadly we didn't get that far and she was taken too early but it was a blessing as she didn't suffer.

 

[Darkhaven]

For me everyday it's a rollercoaster, except for those days that are just plain bad and i'm always down.
I have waves of feeling miserable, desperate, depressed, suicidal, then i move on to waves of anger, rage, madness, impulsive thoughts and teeth grinding. Then there is also the calm and tranquil moments, lately they have been much less frequent.
I haven't gone to a theraphist or psychiatrist and i surely won't go as i see no benefit in it. Been living like this for 22 years. If i can't move in on life because of this then its off to the noose with me.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

The thing is.. parents are like god.. and when they think you're a pile of crap you believe them, cliche as it is... xxx

Yes, that is the problem,
I'm 55 and both my parents are dead , so it's like archaeology for me ... when they are still around , the old dramas keep replaying .

All I was getting at was it might be helpful to try and model the whole thing as part of the awful web of inherited disfunction we humans can't seem to get out of , and stop beating yourself up about it .

(* disclaimer ... my drama is with my own brother at the moment ... a clone of Dad ... and triggers me like crazy and I really can't deal with it ! So I'm really doing the classic 'do as I say and not what I do ' ... ugh ! )

 

[Bathsheba]

Yes, that is the problem,
I'm 55 and both my parents are dead , so it's like archaeology for me ... when they are still around , the old dramas keep replaying .

All I was getting at was it might be helpful to try and model the whole thing as part of the awful web of inherited disfunction we humans can't seem to get out of , and stop beating yourself up about it .

(* disclaimer ... my drama is with my own brother at the moment ... a clone of Dad ... and triggers me like crazy and I really can't deal with it ! So I'm really doing the classic 'do as I say and not what I do ' ... ugh ! )

Thank you! I need to read these nice replies tomorrow when I'm not fucked on a whole load of wine.. but just to say.. as usual people on this site are the primary source of comfort so thank you xxxxxx

 

[c824767]

So last Friday I got it confirmed that my probable bpd is emotionally unstable personality disorder (I thought that was the same?) and I decided to tell people like my parents, with whom I've had a difficult relationship always.
Today I was feeling positive.. therapy booked with a psychotherapist on thurs.. I tried to go out and keep busy, didn't drink alcohol last night for the first night in weeks. Ctb was put on hold for a long while maybe permanently.
Then.. half an hour ago saw my mum for the first time since I told her my diagnosis. She didn't mean to make me feel this way.. but spent half an hour telling me she had always known there was something wrong with me since age 3.. then listing all my weirdnesses, all the shit I ever did which she thought was abnormal.. and revealed she went to the dr about me numerous times when I was a child. Then she complained to me that no one would listen to her and somehow seemed like she was looking for sympathy having such a nightmare daughter.
Probably I'm not explaining very well, I'm sorry.
Just went and bought wine, razors and just wish I could drive to Beachy Head now but my husband will be back soon .
I'm just a fucking mess and always have been.. I've been broken since I was born. Just a whole life time of a joke. Even my parents always thought that I had something wrong with me. I'm just a mistake and shouldn't have been born

even if my parents do NOT tell me that they thought I was weird, I know they did think that and they were right. I used to think I have a right to be weird but since my diagnosis of bpd I feel just ashamed, I feel my weirdness came from my illness, not my creative originality. I cannot seem to get a perspective or find an activity other than researching suicide methods, where I feel the way I used to, that I am a good person.

 

[Wolfjob_dayjob]

Supposedly time is on the side of remission of symptoms for this particular personality disorder. Big hugs.

 

[Bathsheba]

even if my parents do NOT tell me that they thought I was weird, I know they did think that and they were right. I used to think I have a right to be weird but since my diagnosis of bpd I feel just ashamed, I feel my weirdness came from my illness, not my creative originality. I cannot seem to get a perspective or find an activity other than researching suicide methods, where I feel the way I used to, that I am a good person.

I'm so glad it's not just me.. I feel exactly the same. I've always felt strongly my mum especially thought I was just bad, from very young. Yesterday sitting listening to her relate the things she thought were weird about me from age 3 onwards was just the lowest point of my self esteem ever. She said "when you were three you'd sit on your own laughing at nothing and I'd think 'there's something not right here' " ... and I just thought what chance did that 3 yr old ever have to grow up normal when I was labelled weird from then?
Now I look back at my whole life, development and personality and don't know where this diagnosis ends and my own personality begins.

 

[peacefully31425]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

Knowing the problem is the first step, and there are therapies that have been proven to help with BPD. This isn't a death sentence.

 

[welshie84]

Borderline personality disorder got renamed emotional sensitivity disorder.

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm so glad it's not just me.. I feel exactly the same. I've always felt strongly my mum especially thought I was just bad, from very young. Yesterday sitting listening to her relate the things she thought were weird about me from age 3 onwards was just the lowest point of my self esteem ever. She said "when you were three you'd sit on your own laughing at nothing and I'd think 'there's something not right here' " ... and I just thought what chance did that 3 yr old ever have to grow up normal when I was labelled weird from then?
Now I look back at my whole life, development and personality and don't know where this diagnosis ends and my own personality begins.

I'd just like to extend my fuck yous to your mother. I don't have BPD but I understand it stems from exactly this sort of parenting in the first place. I wish you strength to see your self worth despite whatever life throws at you.

 

[Bathsheba]

I'd just like to extend my fuck yous to your mother. I don't have BPD but I understand it stems from exactly this sort of parenting in the first place. I wish you strength to see your self worth despite whatever life throws at you.

Thank you I really appreciate that.. and your fuck yous are very happily accepted! :-) xx

 

[woxihuanni]

Thank you I really appreciate that.. and your fuck yous are very happily accepted! :-) xx

My pleasure.