Venting BPD is ruining everything

[HowSoonIsNow]

Hey friends, yesterday I had an amazing time with my friend, I even had a few drinks but then when I came home I had a Panic Attack and my left arm is filled with cuts. My other friend talked to me until I was calm, she made me promise that I wasn't going to do that again so I'm trying my best.
I was looking for a job and I found it but I have to talk to a lot of people and this is making my social anxiety worse, I want to give up of the job and I'm contemplating suicide again...I tried a lot of times but I never had success, it's so embarrassing to me. I wish I had the guts to do a full suspension, there's nothing left to me in life, I ruined all my relationships and the fact that I can't truly believe that people like me make them tired so they left me, sometimes I think that even my cat secretly dislikes me..

 

[Linkous M]

You are quite nervous. What happened seems very serious, but at the same time you took a job.
Think about things broadly.
And good luck in the decisions. if you need, count on me to talk.

 

[RealHumanBean]

Hey! I can relate to those feelings and get panic attacks from it too. No BPD, but major depression plus the anxiety/panic attacks (which are terrifying and uncontrollable). Don't beat yourself up about the cuts, you weren't you when it happened, so I don't think it's fair to blame yourself for it.

I also feel shame/guilt/embarrassment from wanting (and trying) to die. The irony is that our failure to ctb is actually a good thing in the eyes of others, haha. I have to be constantly reminded that I'm not a burden/not unwanted. I feel like if we were capable of just shutting the fuck up about it, we wouldn't stress ourselves out about it as much. I can't help it though; those thoughts are here to stay and I've got to find a way around them.

I have been trying to talk to other people with mental illness lately because I know they understand and are often empathetic. Do you think it's a bad idea to surround ourselves with other mentally ill people? Or do you think that we gather strength to deal with this shit when we're together?

 

[ladolcemorte]

For one thing, I think cats secretly hate everyone, so you can take that out of the pile of worries... ;)

Seriously though, I can identify with you regarding social anxiety, and feeling like you are making other people tired. I have had several people drop out of my life because I disclosed too much to them and they got compassion fatigue.

I don't want to invalidate your suffering or try to tell you what to do, but it sounds like you still have a few friends left, and you are still able to have good times. (Even though they are quickly followed by bad times.) That is at least something to work with. There might be a way to assuage your anxiety about talking to people...maybe you could try toastmasters? Just a thought. It sounds like you still have some good things that are worth salvaging...

I also feel shame/guilt/embarrassment from wanting (and trying) to die. The irony is that our failure to ctb is actually a good thing in the eyes of others, haha.

What gets me is that sometimes it feels like you have to actually succeed in CTBing before people take you seriously. If you try and fail, or if you get right to the edge and turn back, it's all "oh, well there must be a part of you that wanted to survive/a part of you that wants help", or "if you REALLY wanted to do it, you would have by now..."

It makes me feel like I have somehow failed by staying alive, and ironically, I have to actually BE dead to deserve help, and by that point it will be too late..

 

[puppy9]

I have BPD and I call him Dwight. He's a piece of shit, it's like he exist to fuck me up and his laughter is my pain. I begged Dwight to leave me alone but to no avail. Tried many therapy skills but Dwight always comes back stronger. It's like Dwight wanna kill me and take over my shell as his tool for his ends; to rampage and cause pain to others. Dwight always makes me feel worthless, because when I've progress in something he'll conjure up an excuse to kick me down; he doesn't like seeing me at ease. Dwight is an imaginative bastard (not a good one). Dwight loves to instill fear in me to a point of paranoia. Dwight love to dig holes and leave it empty. Dwight told me that people will hate me, I decided to google (Do people hate BPD patient?) and Dwight was right, it gives Dwight an advantage to hold me hostage. Nobody will understand Dwight like I do, no matter how much I explain they brush it off. I only have Dwight as my companion now, even though he abuses me at least he knows me well. When my family went out just to buy groceries, Dwight made me feel abandoned; the feeling is so real and it manifested to physical pain. Dwight is greedy and nothing will satiate his hunger. Dwight wanna me to go on a Benzo holiday, he said it's the only way to take a break from him, but I refuse because I've tapered it despite the hellish journey. Dwight is kinda tentative about suicide because he knows it's the only way to abandon him, he cries knowing that I'll leave him. I'm sorry Dwight.

Just hijacking this thread to vent. Don't mind me.

 

[HowSoonIsNow]

Thanks for the lovely messages and it's okay if you also want to vent!
I had an argue with my cat and I'm not talking to her lol