Hey Radaghest.
I have the same diagnoses as you and I understand. I wouldn't venture to say we have the same life, although we've been through the same kind of things. I often wish that I had died just so that I didn't go through more of it. I'm so sorry you had to go through it too.
You might be interested in knowing that, in the studies I have read done on clinical assisted suicide of people with psychiatric disorders, many of the patients were people like us (except for the age difference, but it is very statistically striking that so many were so young). I will quote the summarised results of one study of euthanasia in the Netherlands in 2011-2014:
'70% (46 of 66) of patients were women, 32% were over 70 years-old, 44% were between 50–70, and 24% were 30–50. Most had chronic, severe conditions, with histories of attempted suicides and psychiatric hospitalizations. A majority had personality disorders and were described as socially isolated or lonely. Depressive disorders were the primary issue in 55% of cases. Other conditions represented were psychotic, PTSD/anxiety, somatoform, neurocognitive, and eating disorders, as well as prolonged grief and autism. Co-morbidities with functional impairments were common.'
The study is available here
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5530592/ and you can read the discussion, which has more detailed breakdown of diagnoses, treatment histories, and the ethics. Of course it goes deeper than simply 'all women with BPD are untreatable'. In fact, I think it reflects the known biases of physicians against people with personality disorders (and their beliefs about other disorders). I think it is tragic, because our disorders are so hard to treat, and even where treatment is proven to help with ideation and harm (DBT, schema therapy), it's almost impossible to access in so many places. But it reflects the difficulty that so many of us with BPD, PTSD go through and the loss of hope we have to deal with.
I don't blame you for trying to hide your BPD from your doctors, with the way people, especially psychs, talk about BPD. Also, the prognosis is quite frightening, especially with all the other problems one has inflicted on them by trauma - and it's hard to be believed as a trauma survivor, never mind one with BPD.
It sounds like you have so little to help you fight on, and you have fought bravely this far already. I can't give you permission to die because I really believe that's something everyone has to reach for themselves, that it's okay not to fight any more. But I support you either way. Like Schopenhauer said, it's your decision that matters here.
Making that decision doesn't mean you have to die right away, once one decides to die they might go through a lot of the panic you are describing, or grief, or fear, coming to terms with the implications of dying. You don't have to rush. I think what you are doing (trying to save up for N - peaceful and reliable, less scary than the gun, which you have qualms with) is smart, and I hope you can do it if that's what you want. Even when it arrives you don't have to take it right away, a lot of people here get it and don't take it immediately because it is overwhelming, and there are plenty of reasons not to do it right away. It's always okay to hedge your bets too.
@Rachel: BPD is not a death sentence, despite the things I wrote above. It is very hard, and many people with BPD do die by suicide because it's too much, or the experiences that led to it are also too much. But you have already been living with the terrible pain of it, unnamed. Treatment is hard, dealing with psychs and morons who stigmatise BPD is hard (I had to fight for my diagnosis to be talked about openly too because they were afraid I'd internalise the stigma), realising your prognosis and coming to terms with what your turbulent emotions mean is hard. But you have been living your life and so some of it is not new to you, at least.
My mom has BPD and PTSD too. She raised two children and is in her 50s. Like many older people with BPD, she has sort of 'mellowed out' and achieved remission of many of her severe symptoms, although she still carries a lot of pain with her. I grew up enmeshed with her and I witnessed a lot of the lows of her life. But as she got older (and left my abusive father), it truly has become less painful, and the disillusionment and devaluation swings a lot less brutal. The more intense joyful emotions get more time in the sun. I have never understood how she isn't suicidal anymore, she just... doesn't think like that? I don't know. She's never gone to therapy or anything, she just aged and got away from most of the people continually exacerbating her symptoms. I'm not telling this story to be like 'everyone can be kind of okay like my mom', or 'accepting kind-of-okay is the best!', because it's rotten. But it's worth knowing about remission.
I strongly recommend reading literature by people who actually have BPD, and not just psychs, or things targeted at caregivers, because it is all messed up. It will not change your opinion that life with BPD is hard, because it is terrible. It may give you some hope that you aren't locked into the worst of your worst feelings forever, though. I totally understand not wanting to deal with it. Rachel Reiland's memoir 'Get Me Out of Here' was really brutal, but it did help me accept that it's possible for people with BPD to achieve a more grounded state when I was trying to get diagnosed, five years ago, and see what it might look like, even if it isn't perfect.
