Boyfriend asked why I'm always looking for ways to kill myself

[guinea-pig]

I talk to him about suicide a lot because he is honestly a safe person to talk to about it. He is able to understand me before trying to help or something, most don't take the time to understand where I'm coming from before shutting me down. He also usually able to handle it very well and he told me that he will tell me if it ever became too much.

Well I think it became too much because he broke down yesterday telling me "why are you always looking for ways to kill yourself" when I was also breaking down and telling him how I wanted to die right then and how I feel like I know how to do it this time. I know I probably said too much but when I'm breaking down I don't think and I'm just trying to get all my thoughts out of my head. I just hate that I got him to this point without even realizing it because I was too selfish with wanting someone to talk to about everything. I hate the way I am and all of my behaviors. It makes me feel like shit because I'm hurting the only person who wants to stay in my life because they like who I am and not just because we are family. I really wish I was different and that I didn't hurt everyone and fuck up everything.

I like to daydream that I am normal and without all my issues. It would be shit still but so much easier to go through life.

 

[sunny]

the daydreaming part is so real. i often do that after i regret something to make myself feel better.

but anyways, I'm sorry about your situation. it sounds like you are very vulnerable with your boyfriend and he cares about you deeply. he's just worried.