Laststop
Experienced
- Jul 9, 2019
- 243
As I've been out of work, maintaining regular sleeping hours has been tough. This morning I woke after less than 3 hours sleep, where as I slept for 14 hours the night before. It's been like that. Today, for whatever unknown reason, I got up and got into a box of stuff. It's got photos and paperwork. It's basically the physical box of my life. As things have fallen apart for me, and CTB is on my mind, I've been getting rid of everything I can. I've gotten rid of a ton of stuff. This box is more work, and I've been putting it off, because it all needs to be scanned into digital form so I can get rid of it. But I went into every ziplock bag and envelope in it. I looked at things I hadn't for many years. It reminded me of who I use to be. On one hand it was like a jolt that made me think I'm off track, and need to remember who I am, and to get to work on fixing my life. But then I remember that even when things were better, they've always been bad. What's more, I'm much older. I look at pictures of me in my 20s, and realize it's never going to be like that again. My body is falling apart. I look like crap. I feel like crap. I've misspent my best years. All the good people I relied on in my life are dead. And I wonder...even if I can get things back to like they were, at least in the spirit of how they were....what then? My life wasn't meant to be happy. I wasn't meant to be happy. I'm on the outside looking in. I always have been. At least in youth I was foolish, and had hope of otherwise. Now I don't even have enough to lie to myself.
