Venting Body Dysmorphia + other insecurities

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I hate to say it in such a public forum but I am very much obsessed with my appearance. Anyone who cares irl has no idea whatsoever since I generally don't wear makeup and generally look a bit disorganised but internally I view the world quite differently. I am constantly comparing random features like my legs or eye spacing or teeth or nose width or ear shape to other people and it's not like I judge them harshly or negatively anyways since I inherently feel uglier than everyone on Earth. I have been called many things, such as weird or unusual but never ugly. I almost feel shallow for saying all this but I feel myself spiralling badly but have no one to tell this too. I have had people call me "pretty" before and have been asked out but I struggle to even recognise myself as human. I was a pretty ugly kid though and still see myself as exactly that and I hate it. My personality makes it worse too since I may as well be an alien at this point due to me having extraordinarily bad social skills. I find it incredibly difficult to make friends and connect with people and often find myself alone in most situations. I do not make eye contact and I sometimes get comments on it which deeply upsets me but it's just very uncomfortable for me + I've never really done it anyway. I don't really express much emotion by default but this has led to problems in the past so I try to force a smile but can't do one for very long if I don't feel happy (my emotions are happy, upset and nothing) and I mostly feel like nothing unfortunately.

When I was younger, I believed that if I tried to be more attractive then people would look past my inherent defects but I feel like it has made things worse because to others, I appear to be a perfectly normal young lass but then they interact with me (or are around me long enough) and notice my strangeness. I'm currently trying to get into the hospitality industry and although I would be able to perfect every manual skill with ease, I am worried about being ostracised for not being normal. It sucks because I don't think others have to worry about this but I do. I just want to finally feel like a proper part of a group and I just don't want to be basically bullied by coworkers again (would be my final straw). I never even thought of myself as an outsider until the people around me broke me down over time. I have spent the past hour practicing my facial expressions and making my voice sound more enthusiastic/happy and I'm just so sick. I do wish I could just go to bed and not have to live this horrid reality any longer but I don't have the motivation to CTB right now but the thoughts are definitely still there. I'm not sure I could even have a future unless I get a rhinoplasty, double jaw surgery and miracle drugs that make people like me (not to an excessive extent, but normal levels idk)

 

[dmdmdm]

I've pretty much got the same problem. I've spent the last two years of my life getting in shape and just becoming more muscular. The only social contact I had was my girlfriend, but I destroyed everything with my body dyamophia and image of myself to the point where she broke up with me, understandably so. I couldn't even smile at her because I was scared she was gonna judge my teeth or any feature of my face. We never took any pictures because I scared to see myself in them. As you described as well, trying to look better only made my social anxiety worse and now I'm left alone and feel judged all the time and can't even go anywhere without comparing myself to everyone which just makes me feel even worse. Hope I'll find the courage to CTB soon enough.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I've pretty much got the same problem. I've spent the last two years of my life getting in shape and just becoming more muscular. The only social contact I had was my girlfriend, but I destroyed everything with my body dyamophia and image of myself to the point where she broke up with me, understandably so. I couldn't even smile at her because I was scared she was gonna judge my teeth or any feature of my face. We never took any pictures because I scared to see myself in them. As you described as well, trying to look better only made my social anxiety worse and now I'm left alone and feel judged all the time and can't even go anywhere without comparing myself to everyone which just makes me feel even worse. Hope I'll find the courage to CTB soon enough.

Yeah I do understand this a lot. Although my past was a lot more problematic, I do miss when I didn't care about my appearance at all and I can definitely relate to the teeth thing because I make it a point to never smile with teeth and move my lips in a way that hides the fact that one lip sticks out slightly (due to my teeth being kinda misaligned)

 

[Faith_No_more]

I have gender dyphoria. Everything about my body is wrong. And supposedly this was done by the whim of a god. hugs.

 

[toofargone6969]

I relate to this a lot. I hate how I look and being looked at. I do not leave my house anymore. Ironically all the things I did to try and be prettier last year backfired and made me more hideous. Huge reason I'm gonna ctb, planning on tomorrow and hope I can go thru with it. My body dysmorphia was undiagnosed and untreated for the last 15 years. It's just so poorly understood. The suicide rate is really high. I hope you can escape from it and heal somehow. It's a horrible thing to experience.

 

[jinksu_]

I feel you on this. I sometimes like my body dysmorphia is my worst enemy, playing tricks on me and making me going into isolation. I don't even feel like I know what I actually look like anymore. Then later, I feel ashamed for being so vain and holding so much value to what I look like. Sending hugs.