Body dysmorphia and steroids

[NeroForte]

Hi, i've been struggling with feeling ugly on and off since 13 years.
I had phases where I kinda liked how I looked, but lately its just too much for me...
For the last 4 months all I could think about was ending it.

I mainly have a problem with my face, allthough I got compliments from other people before, but I think they dont want to hurt my feelings or something.

So, I've been working out for 4 years and I am kinda ok with how my body looks (except my face)
But now I started my first steroid cycle and hope It offsets my insecurities, its kinda like a last ditch effort, I know that this is unhealthy.

If that fails, I will prob end it. I just dont see the reason to live when I feel like an alien.

Thats the first time I talked about this... I feel like I cant talk about this with anyone... I dont want to burden my friends with my feelings about dying.
And it would break my parents hearts.
I also fear that they would try to put me in a mental hospital.

Does anyone else suffer from similar issues? Or going from beeing fine with their looks to feeling disgusted by themselves?

 

[relapse]

I suffer from pretty bad body dysmorphia as well, the main problem being my face and my weight in some degree. I feel as if I'm stuck in a body I don't belong in, like I'm spectating the life of someone that isn't me meanwhile my actual core is filthy and gross.

I'm aware that I probably look pretty decent to others around me but that fact has never made a difference on how I feel, I don't like knowing that other people can perceive me in a way I will never be able to see from my perspective, just thinking of it already makes me 10x more self conscious. I honestly try not to think too much of it since it brings me more unnecessary stress. Sometimes I feel okay with my face, sometimes I pray I get attacked by a random animal and get it disfigured, hell sometimes I even feel pretty. But at the core I know I'll always feel disgusting

 

[NeroForte]

I suffer from pretty bad body dysmorphia as well, the main problem being my face and my weight in some degree. I feel as if I'm stuck in a body I don't belong in, like I'm spectating the life of someone that isn't me meanwhile my actual core is filthy and gross.

I'm aware that I probably look pretty decent to others around me but that fact has never made a difference on how I feel, I don't like knowing that other people can perceive me in a way I will never be able to see from my perspective, just thinking of it already makes me 10x more self conscious. I honestly try not to think too much of it since it brings me more unnecessary stress. Sometimes I feel okay with my face, sometimes I pray I get attacked by a random animal and get it disfigured, hell sometimes I even feel pretty. But at the core I know I'll always feel disgusting

Yup, I tried not thinking about it too. But it always came back to me and ruined everything for me. Did u go to therapy for ur problem? Im planning to go soon, idk if it will help.
And did u have relationships? If yes, did u feel better about ur looks bc of that?

 

[Gal88]

I hope you are not doing nandrolone at least, its very depressant

 

[NeroForte]

I hope you are not doing nandrolone at least, its very depressant

Nah, im doing Anavar 40mg and Test 250mg/week , for pct enclomilad. So its relatively light.
Im guessing u have experience with steroids?

 

[SVEN]

You may want to check out Tamoxifen/Nolvadex if you're cycling Anavar & Test. Whoever is supplying the juice should be able to advise on them.

 

[loser4ever4life]

You have to be very careful with steroids as they do impact the mental thought process quite heavily. While I personally do not partake, I do keep an avid watch on the steroid users. Here is an article that shows a correlation between steroids and depression and suicidal thinking (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1743609522001394)

Also, I wanted to add for body dysmorphia, steroids can be a double edge sword that many people impale themselves on. The gym in general tbh. You feel you look the best in the beginning with "newbie" gains, you feel big. But once you're deep in the gym, many people will always report feeling small or not lean enough. That's why so many people say you should only compare yourself to yourself because the gym/social media will warp your mindset

 

[hhtroc]

Hi, i've been struggling with feeling ugly on and off since 13 years.
I had phases where I kinda liked how I looked, but lately its just too much for me...
For the last 4 months all I could think about was ending it.

I mainly have a problem with my face, allthough I got compliments from other people before, but I think they dont want to hurt my feelings or something.

So, I've been working out for 4 years and I am kinda ok with how my body looks (except my face)
But now I started my first steroid cycle and hope It offsets my insecurities, its kinda like a last ditch effort, I know that this is unhealthy..

If that fails, I will prob end it. I just dont see the reason to live when I feel like an alien.

Thats the first time I talked about this... I feel like I cant talk about this with anyone... I dont want to burden my friends with my feelings about dying.
And it would break my parents hearts.
I also fear that they would try to put me in a mental hospital.

Does anyone else suffer from similar issues? Or going from beeing fine with their looks to feeling disgusted by themselves?

I have this exact same problem but with my body too, if you hover my profile and click on messages it shows there. Looking back I realized I was never comfortable and I am looking into plastic surgery at the moment. Even with 5 surgeries id hate myself tho but better than nothing. I dont want to encourage you to do steroids but if you genuinely feel it will make you feel better about yourself, then I think it is a valid idea. Deep down we both know we will just find something else though, don't we... Also, a mental hospital, if it is not closed ward is not too bad, I actually made some great friends there. I think you should at least give it a try, you can always try to get signed up and put on a wait list. I would give it a shot if I were you. There is no need to be afraid of it.

 

[relapse]

Yup, I tried not thinking about it too. But it always came back to me and ruined everything for me. Did u go to therapy for ur problem? Im planning to go soon, idk if it will help.
And did u have relationships? If yes, did u feel better about ur looks bc of that?

No therapy for it yet, don't really plan on going either since I know talking doesn't help me much. When it comes to my looks specifically it will go in one ear and come out the other. I've been in relationships in the past and currently I'm on my second one, I find my problem makes dating a lot harder because of how insecure I am. Being with someone doesn't help my self esteem go any higher than it currently is... I end up feeling like the person's doing charity just by dating me and later I attempt to ruin the relationship by pushing them away so they don't have to be with someone as ugly as me. It's exhausting for both me and the other person and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

I think it's a good idea to give therapy a try since everyone reacts to it differently... you've got nothing to lose, and who knows it might turn out to be useful to you. Whatever makes you feel more at ease with your own body is what you should try as long as it doesn't cause you harm.

Also, I wanted to add for body dysmorphia, steroids can be a double edge sword that many people impale themselves on. The gym in general tbh. You feel you look the best in the beginning with "newbie" gains, you feel big. But once you're deep in the gym, many people will always report feeling small or not lean enough. That's why so many people say you should only compare yourself to yourself because the gym/social media will warp your mindset

This. Unrelated, but I feel like a lot of gym rat behaviors mimics disordered ones... but that might be just me projecting. :S

 

[loser4ever4life]

This. Unrelated, but I feel like a lot of gym rat behaviors mimics disordered ones... but that might be just me projecting. :S

Not projecting at all. Body dysmorphia is a very real concern among the bodybuilding community. On top of that, so many diet tips/hacks to get ultra shredded are just eating disorders in disguise (with literal drug abuse on both ends). The overlap in what someone in the end stages of cutting for a comp eats and what an anorexic teenage girl eats is huge (cigs, caffeine and diuretics)