PinballWizard39
Student
- May 3, 2024
- 138
Please excuse this potentially long post, I'm in a really shitty situation all because everything got a bit too heavy to carry and I ended up blurting out how bad things really are during a breakdown I had whilst with my care-co-ordinator (CC) yesterday.
Everything has been piling on top of me for a long time now, the crushing depression that never f*cks off for long. Meds not working, sh*t at work, money issues, not getting the help I actually need, planning my CTB plan. I have had to shut down and limit what I say to people that I usually would go to for support, purely because it's not like I can sit there and tell them how I plan to die, without them wanting to do something. Though saying that, I get ignored a lot when I try to get help for suicidal thoughts, so when that happens, I stop talking and it all goes underground.
Anyway, my situations is such now that everyone around me is admitting that there is no other help they can offer me therapy wise. I have over 25 years worth of trauma that I've been denied the proper treatment for over the years. Now the NHS funding is at an all time low, I really can't access anything now. 3/4 months ago I was told that I could have longer term trauma therapy for up to a year, and it was like I allowed myself to finally have some hope and I really started to pick up. However, when I went to the first appointment they told me it was only going to be 12 sessions. It was like someone stole what little hope I had and threw it out the window. Since then I've been meticulously planning my CTB plans because I know that even if my therapist wanted to offer me more help, he can't. They tell me to go private, which I can't because I have no money. Aside the therapist, who now has a bit more of a grasp about why I've been on about 12 sessions not being enough, everyone else just thinks I'm being dramatic. I have a history of physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect from my family, I've been in two relationships when I was mentally abused and sexually assaulted and raped on numerous occasions - 1 relationship was 6 months, the other was 9 years. I've barely been able to acknowledge or address the latter two. I have trauma from the way I've been mistreated by the MH team itself and as a result, I mistrust them all unless they show me otherwise. I don't think all that is going to be dealt with in 12 sessions.
Yesterday my CC asked me how my self harm thoughts were and I don't know why I did it, but I blurted out 'Bad, but not as bad as the suicidal thoughts'. Long story short, she knows I have a plan and a rough date in place but I refused to tell her what the plan was. She called the Home Treatment Team (HTT) and asked them to assess me. They came out today, assessed me, told me I'm not well enough for work at the moment, how they need to get the psychiatrist to check my meds (I'm taking myself off lithium slowly because it's not helping but because I've only just mentioned it to them, they are trying to blame my depression on that, which is p*ssing me off because I knew that would happen) and how they'll visit me daily for a bit.
I get the feeling, they aren't taking me seriously. When they asked why I wouldn't tell them what my plan was, I told them it was because I didn't want to be stopped. They replied saying ' Well if you're determined to do it, there's nothing we can really do to stop you'. That should be comforting in a weird way, but all I heard was 'Yeah, we don't care.' I have agreed to work with them, but I don't know why. I've told them there's nothing they can do. They said there's potentially a fund they can apply for for private help because the help I need, they can't offer, but I stopped them talking because I said don't you dare try and get my hopes up because I cannot afford for it to be taken away again.
I don't know how I feel. In some ways the pressure of all that I've been carrying has released a little bit, but at the same time, I feel like I've just exposed myself for no reason. Like I've said on here before, I don't want to die, but I have no other choice. I know I could easily say all the right things to the HTT and they'll have me discharged ASAP and even if they don't, they only stay involved for 2 weeks max, so it'll be back to me, myself and my plans soon enough. I'm surprised they even agreed to see me in the first instance. I wonder if they'd take me any more seriously if they knew the lengths I've gone through to make my plan - come to this website to find people who can relate and help me find a way to end my pain, order SN, suffer paranoia that I'd be welfare checked, - all of it. This is the furthest I have even gone in a mission to ensure a suicide plan would work. In some ways, the embarrassment that I have fallen this low in myself and done these things, keeps me from admitting it. (Not saying that anyone needs to be embarrassed, this is just how I feel about myself). I desperately want them to give me some kind of hope, but I know they can't, and even if they tried, I can't trust anything.
I'm so sorry for this being so long, I appreciate you reading.
Everything has been piling on top of me for a long time now, the crushing depression that never f*cks off for long. Meds not working, sh*t at work, money issues, not getting the help I actually need, planning my CTB plan. I have had to shut down and limit what I say to people that I usually would go to for support, purely because it's not like I can sit there and tell them how I plan to die, without them wanting to do something. Though saying that, I get ignored a lot when I try to get help for suicidal thoughts, so when that happens, I stop talking and it all goes underground.
Anyway, my situations is such now that everyone around me is admitting that there is no other help they can offer me therapy wise. I have over 25 years worth of trauma that I've been denied the proper treatment for over the years. Now the NHS funding is at an all time low, I really can't access anything now. 3/4 months ago I was told that I could have longer term trauma therapy for up to a year, and it was like I allowed myself to finally have some hope and I really started to pick up. However, when I went to the first appointment they told me it was only going to be 12 sessions. It was like someone stole what little hope I had and threw it out the window. Since then I've been meticulously planning my CTB plans because I know that even if my therapist wanted to offer me more help, he can't. They tell me to go private, which I can't because I have no money. Aside the therapist, who now has a bit more of a grasp about why I've been on about 12 sessions not being enough, everyone else just thinks I'm being dramatic. I have a history of physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect from my family, I've been in two relationships when I was mentally abused and sexually assaulted and raped on numerous occasions - 1 relationship was 6 months, the other was 9 years. I've barely been able to acknowledge or address the latter two. I have trauma from the way I've been mistreated by the MH team itself and as a result, I mistrust them all unless they show me otherwise. I don't think all that is going to be dealt with in 12 sessions.
Yesterday my CC asked me how my self harm thoughts were and I don't know why I did it, but I blurted out 'Bad, but not as bad as the suicidal thoughts'. Long story short, she knows I have a plan and a rough date in place but I refused to tell her what the plan was. She called the Home Treatment Team (HTT) and asked them to assess me. They came out today, assessed me, told me I'm not well enough for work at the moment, how they need to get the psychiatrist to check my meds (I'm taking myself off lithium slowly because it's not helping but because I've only just mentioned it to them, they are trying to blame my depression on that, which is p*ssing me off because I knew that would happen) and how they'll visit me daily for a bit.
I get the feeling, they aren't taking me seriously. When they asked why I wouldn't tell them what my plan was, I told them it was because I didn't want to be stopped. They replied saying ' Well if you're determined to do it, there's nothing we can really do to stop you'. That should be comforting in a weird way, but all I heard was 'Yeah, we don't care.' I have agreed to work with them, but I don't know why. I've told them there's nothing they can do. They said there's potentially a fund they can apply for for private help because the help I need, they can't offer, but I stopped them talking because I said don't you dare try and get my hopes up because I cannot afford for it to be taken away again.
I don't know how I feel. In some ways the pressure of all that I've been carrying has released a little bit, but at the same time, I feel like I've just exposed myself for no reason. Like I've said on here before, I don't want to die, but I have no other choice. I know I could easily say all the right things to the HTT and they'll have me discharged ASAP and even if they don't, they only stay involved for 2 weeks max, so it'll be back to me, myself and my plans soon enough. I'm surprised they even agreed to see me in the first instance. I wonder if they'd take me any more seriously if they knew the lengths I've gone through to make my plan - come to this website to find people who can relate and help me find a way to end my pain, order SN, suffer paranoia that I'd be welfare checked, - all of it. This is the furthest I have even gone in a mission to ensure a suicide plan would work. In some ways, the embarrassment that I have fallen this low in myself and done these things, keeps me from admitting it. (Not saying that anyone needs to be embarrassed, this is just how I feel about myself). I desperately want them to give me some kind of hope, but I know they can't, and even if they tried, I can't trust anything.
I'm so sorry for this being so long, I appreciate you reading.
