RealLostSoul
once rock bottom, always rock bottom
- Oct 11, 2019
- 211
Man today was so awful again. I am literally always in a fight with my parents, I am a huge burden to them. Because of my mental disease, I tend to enrage easily, scream through the housing and hit holes into my walls, etc.. I hate it. Today I've finally come to the conclusion that it is the disrespect that bothers me so much. It's like that, they say one wrong phrase that I feel disrespected from and I instantly feel my blood curdling and I blank the fuck out, eg. "try therapy" - its not like I am in fucking therapy since 3 years and it doesn't bring shit. It's different if someone doesn't know about it - then yea I'ma tell em. But if you know this very well, why are you saying it? It's disrespectful asf. I feel like they are making fun of me. It's some sort of mockery or something.
I wish I could hold it back but I can't. It makes me insane. I am very aware of it though. It's horrible. It's kinda like a parasite in my mind that takes control whenever I feel emotionally hurt. Maybe that's the reaction from all my past trauma. In fact, my self esteem got destroyed so heavily (mostly due to girls I loved to be plain honest with you) that I enjoy feeling physical pain because that is what I deserve anyways.
I wish one day I will wake up like all the other days, in misery, but then, out of nowhere, I will find the meaning and I will be happy again. First it will be a strange feeling because I didn't feel it for so long but then I will finally see the light and the warmth will fill my heart again and all my problems from the past will slowly vanish and I can live a happy life in sunshine. I would do everything for that. EVERYTHING. I even rather try and die than never have the chance.
Sorry this shit may sound cliche but after that horrible day I'm just closing my eyes and try to imagine what a life without this burden in my head would be like. It would be similar to when I was a child I think. But then again I see things like holocaust survivors and how they never got along with their PTSD. I know, my life experience is not that bad as a child being in war or someone who got abused heavily or something but due to me having some sort of hypersensitivity in terms of emotions and sensory perception things that other people would view as "very miserable but not the end of the world" are the end of the world for me - or at least the end of my mental health.
tldr, I hate the burden of my desolating mental state. I snap because of it at home. I hate being a burden to my parents. I don't want it but I can't change it :(.
I wish I could hold it back but I can't. It makes me insane. I am very aware of it though. It's horrible. It's kinda like a parasite in my mind that takes control whenever I feel emotionally hurt. Maybe that's the reaction from all my past trauma. In fact, my self esteem got destroyed so heavily (mostly due to girls I loved to be plain honest with you) that I enjoy feeling physical pain because that is what I deserve anyways.
I wish one day I will wake up like all the other days, in misery, but then, out of nowhere, I will find the meaning and I will be happy again. First it will be a strange feeling because I didn't feel it for so long but then I will finally see the light and the warmth will fill my heart again and all my problems from the past will slowly vanish and I can live a happy life in sunshine. I would do everything for that. EVERYTHING. I even rather try and die than never have the chance.
Sorry this shit may sound cliche but after that horrible day I'm just closing my eyes and try to imagine what a life without this burden in my head would be like. It would be similar to when I was a child I think. But then again I see things like holocaust survivors and how they never got along with their PTSD. I know, my life experience is not that bad as a child being in war or someone who got abused heavily or something but due to me having some sort of hypersensitivity in terms of emotions and sensory perception things that other people would view as "very miserable but not the end of the world" are the end of the world for me - or at least the end of my mental health.
tldr, I hate the burden of my desolating mental state. I snap because of it at home. I hate being a burden to my parents. I don't want it but I can't change it :(.
