I'm the oldest in my family. I dealt with the most abuse and trauma out of all my siblings. My body and mind still remembers those times. That trauma turned me into a cold and dead person. Now those past versions of my parents are gone. They've eased up on their abuse, even stopped it. My siblings who were too young to see our parents old versions, now see their new and improved selves. It's all my siblings know. So now when I lash out or isolate myself I'm labeled as crazy, emotional, dramatic. Because my parents are now changed, my siblings only see the good of them. But my mind can't change, no matter how hard I try. I used to perceive trauma as an event that made you really sad and you could never let go. Now I realize it really fucks with your mind and how you function. It's not a negative headspace you're able to self help your way out of.
I am the way I am because of the abuse inflicted on me. No one in my family recognizes it. It's so painfully obvious that they only associate with me because we are family. But they'd choose another sibling over me whenever they could get the chance. Because I'm the oldest I'm able to help out more. But the moment my other siblings become responsible enough to start doing the same then I'm thrown to the side. They just use me and continue doing so. And then when the moment comes for them to acknowledge all the help I do, they don't. If I speak up about anything I'm the problem. When my siblings lash out and get upset everyone has compassion for them. When it's me I'm treated as some monster who should know better.
They always refer to me as some sleeping lion they're afraid to wake up. They see me as some beast. I became this way for a reason. I'm hurting inside more than they will ever know.
I am the way I am because of the abuse inflicted on me. No one in my family recognizes it. It's so painfully obvious that they only associate with me because we are family. But they'd choose another sibling over me whenever they could get the chance. Because I'm the oldest I'm able to help out more. But the moment my other siblings become responsible enough to start doing the same then I'm thrown to the side. They just use me and continue doing so. And then when the moment comes for them to acknowledge all the help I do, they don't. If I speak up about anything I'm the problem. When my siblings lash out and get upset everyone has compassion for them. When it's me I'm treated as some monster who should know better.
They always refer to me as some sleeping lion they're afraid to wake up. They see me as some beast. I became this way for a reason. I'm hurting inside more than they will ever know.
