JustARatOnAStick
Member
- Mar 11, 2023
- 5
Just a bit of a life vent since I don't feel comfortable sharing this to anyone I know. Alright, I'm a 22 year old gal who's been warping in and out of depressive episodes since I was 15. I had a stupid CTB attempt at 16 involving a bbq, a closed door, and charcoal, however after a few hours it hadn't worked so well so out of fear of damage and being caught, I chickened out. I have an extremely controlling and manipulative mother and a narcissistic asshole of a brother, both of whom I live with because I can't afford to leave; working two casual jobs and studying. I can't stand living with her when she never sees that she does wrong. She can control what I do, call me horrid things, guilt trip me, scare me, and nothing will change. I thought when I stopped being a hormonal 'snot nose kid who thinks about no one but herself' that I would get better, but it's unfortunately only gotten worse.
Another problem is that she's a complete uni degree freak; basically in her eyes if you don't study you're worthless trash who will fail in life and be miserable forever. I've tried to do what she's wanted, to go into biomedical but it turns out that I hate studying more than anything else, I can't do it, I scrape through a semester with passes and credits just to be screamed at for not getting distinctions and HDs, I can't deal with it, so I just stopped studying altogether, flunked the degree already and have been lying for the last three years.....but eventually she's going to find out the end of this year one way or another since she wants me to continue on with pharmacy. I won't be able to, I won't have a degree. I cannot sleep from the fear, it's eating me alive, I try to distract myself with games and anime, but every time I stop doing something I instantly feel in a stressed panic, it's suffocating.
The worst part of it all is that in all honesty, I don't want to die fully. Or, I know that if she weren't here, if she were out of the picture, I would be free from this. I have things to look forward to, games I want to play, art I want to draw, friends I want to meet. And they're the ones who have kept me going all this time, prevented me from trying another CTB attempt again but my fear and dread is catching up, I want to cry every single day and I am losing my will to hold on. I started feeling resentment towards my friends for giving me ties, and then hated myself even more for that. I want nothing more than to just, hopefully get a full time job, get away from it all....I'm just so scared all the time. I wish she were dead, not me. But I'm feeling like there is no other choice, so I want to have my options open for if things get worse.
Thanks for reading if you do, I really find comfort in knowing this site exists, in a way.
Another problem is that she's a complete uni degree freak; basically in her eyes if you don't study you're worthless trash who will fail in life and be miserable forever. I've tried to do what she's wanted, to go into biomedical but it turns out that I hate studying more than anything else, I can't do it, I scrape through a semester with passes and credits just to be screamed at for not getting distinctions and HDs, I can't deal with it, so I just stopped studying altogether, flunked the degree already and have been lying for the last three years.....but eventually she's going to find out the end of this year one way or another since she wants me to continue on with pharmacy. I won't be able to, I won't have a degree. I cannot sleep from the fear, it's eating me alive, I try to distract myself with games and anime, but every time I stop doing something I instantly feel in a stressed panic, it's suffocating.
The worst part of it all is that in all honesty, I don't want to die fully. Or, I know that if she weren't here, if she were out of the picture, I would be free from this. I have things to look forward to, games I want to play, art I want to draw, friends I want to meet. And they're the ones who have kept me going all this time, prevented me from trying another CTB attempt again but my fear and dread is catching up, I want to cry every single day and I am losing my will to hold on. I started feeling resentment towards my friends for giving me ties, and then hated myself even more for that. I want nothing more than to just, hopefully get a full time job, get away from it all....I'm just so scared all the time. I wish she were dead, not me. But I'm feeling like there is no other choice, so I want to have my options open for if things get worse.
Thanks for reading if you do, I really find comfort in knowing this site exists, in a way.
