Venting Birthdays

[Dead beat dad]

So time for what in my head I think is a grim truth, but is actually more like the whining of a selfish fool.
Tomorrow I have another birthday, this one (40) is supposed to be significant but like all birthdays it's painful.
I'm not sure I can fully explain, because I couldn't say in my own mind I entirely understand, but at the age of 39 I never considered I would live this long.

I'm too tired of living but scared of dying (a lament I repeat ad nauseum) to act on my urges to do myself in.
Every birthday is a reminder of what I have failed to achieve, of all of my foolishness, my weakness, my stupidity, my selfishness, my self loathing and all of the other putrid filth that is my composition.
I am wretched, and with each passing year I become more so.

I weep for the past, am paralysed by the present and terrified of the future. It has been this way for as long as I can remember.

I am both scared and comforted by the concept that relative to all of space and time, I am less than the blink of an eye in a nano second. As is the whole world, the universe and everything in it.

There is no place for me in this infinite cosmos, because in the vastness of infinity there is no infinity, nothing is relative, in fact all there is, is nothing.

Not cold, not hot. Not love not hate. Not light not dark. There is nothing, nothing is all there is.

Tl;dr
Many happy returns to me sob sob

Love and respect brothers and sisters

DBD

 

[WillOxyWork]

Although you may not be happy, I'd like to wish you a happy birthday regardless :)

 

[Dreamless Sleep]

For what its worth... happy birthday!
And I totally understand everything you said as I feel the same way. I recently turned 50 and spent the day alone, as I have the past 6 birthdays. with barely a phone call. Its depressing af and just a reminder of why I'm on the path I am.

I dunno, perhaps you can do something for yourself tomorrow to make you feel better... ? Sometimes it's the little things that make a difference.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I dunno, perhaps you can do something for yourself tomorrow to make you feel better... ? Sometimes it's the little things that make a difference.

I concur! I understand your feelings as I've often felt similar things myself. Still, it's nice to set aside a day when you can treat yourself and engage in activities (or food!) that you really enjoy. Celebrate in your own way. It doesn't need to be a celebration of completing one more meaningless rotation around the sun. Just celebrate because you deserve a treat once in a while! ^_^

 

[Weightoftheworld]

First off, Happy Birthday! Even if you dread it I still wish you that.
My birthday is on the biggest holiday of the year, so I know if I CTB it'll ruin it for my entire family which just makes me feel even more.. UGH. There aren't words for it. Yet I've always hated my birthday, I've never known if it's because I don't know what it's like to have a true birthday or getting older itself.
I understand how you feel, it's terrible to feel like the wrong piece in the puzzle box. One day we will all find our peace!

 

[Jumper Geo]

Enjoy the last hours of your 30's while you can it's all over tomorrow you won't see your 30's again, leave in style, get totally hammered and wake up when your 40, Happy Birthday it's SS so you don't know if your be around in 24 hours,



Cheers

Geo

 

[Sinai Silence]

Birthdays are always the most difficult of days.

I hope you find some way to enjoy and put your mind to rest, just do what you want to do for the day. Spoil yourself!

 

[Wayfaerer]

When I became suicidal last year, I thought that that would have been my last birthday and I would join the 27 club. Had my 28th birthday a while back (only birthday of my life since 14 that I did not celebrate) because of the quarantine and it really hit me. I didn't think I would've lived this long but the Coronavirus pandemic is pretty much the only reason why I am still breathing right now.

 

[Cherrypea]

Omg yes. It was my 50th in July and I hated every second of it, my family decided to gather regardless of lockdown and I had to pretend to be happy and grateful. I hate birthdays.
Also I empathise so much with what you've said, especially about the past, present and future, my feelings exactly.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Happy Birthday

 

[decafcoffee]

makes me think i should ask for the gift of a gun to make a good birthday for once, but who from??? last birthday i had i bought an expensive laptop for myself that i hate that i carried in a box without a handle in the freezing cold wind and the screen is fucked now so im having to try to somehow fix that before trying to sell it to get a laptop i dont hate. i also pissed myself because my bladder sucks especially in the cold while trying to get back through a wooded trail from the bus stop and constantly slipping and falling. by the time i got back i was soaked and had pants of frozen piss and snow, like wow, just a tremendously awful birthday, probably the worst ive had and they all sucked. so yours today will be better than that. enjoy!

 

[sarahlouise]

Happy birthday , I turned 40 on the 5th of july

 

[TAW122]

Happy belated birthday and I'm sorry to hear that birthdays are a painful reminder of life. I feel mundane over most of the birthdays in the last decade as well; a stark reminder of life's problems and my life in general.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Happy birthday!

Birthdays are bittersweet for sure. On the one hand I have survived another year, but on the other hand I feel like my life has gone downhill a lot in that time. I hope you can reflect on this year's small victories and find some satisfaction in them even if you don't feel happy overall.