Venting Birthday is coming up

[hoppybunny]

I'm a hallows eve baby. If my mum hurries soon she can have an 83rd trimester abortion before i unfortunately turn 21 and waste another year being alive.

Genuinely feels like the unicerse wants me to off myself. (Im trying to recover rn tho just felt like venting)

Literally I'm registering for clases next spring and im super far behind. And none of the electives i want are available. All the creative coding courses just arents available no web dev, no mobile dev just ai and machine learning bullshit that i dont care about and have to take cause im rewuired to take useless shitty electives. Anyway its like 3 am and im crying while signing up for the classes and my dad comes out of his room to yell at me for staying up.

Im a ficking adult i can stay up if i want to. Jesus fucking christ stop treating me like a child. Then he started talking about how i always say i want to lose weight (ive never once said this to them, they just hate me for being fat) and how its because i always stay up late that im still fat and cant lose weight. Mind you just 2 weeks ago they were saying im a failure cause all i do is sleep. So do i sleep or not?!?!

I know these are little things and shoulsnt be worth killing yourself over but when you deal with this bullshit of being called names by your larentsx never being allowed to do anything and getting ywlled at for utter bullshit for 20 years its starts to get to you.

Literally had to scratch my face and neck cause i was getting too heated from how angry i was and needed to cool down. I can't uell back, i can't wxplain myself cause they refuse to listen. I just have to take everything like a fucking doormat. And now i have to sleep in the guest room cause my parents wanted my brothers to have their own rooms. I didnt het my own room till i was 19 and now im being pushed out of my room for my 11 year old brother im just sick of it.

My new room doesnt even have a fucking door. And its close to my parents so u cant wven play music to sleep like inised to cause it will bother them but if i have to wake up at 6:30 in the morning i cant ask them to turn down the colume of the shitty movie theyre still watching at 2 in the morning.

I have to keep doing chores for the whole house and im lazy and uselless if i don't clean up after my brothers. I get blamed if they don't eat or if they eat the wrong thing
I get blamed if the laundry takes too long even though im doing it for sixr people

Im so sick of it all. And despite how i feel my brain wont even work. I want to move out but my body is too deteriorated and fat from never exercising and eating my feelings to stay in a job for more than a month. I cant find anpart time job with no labour and i cant get a full time job cause of school and even if i did id probably quit or get fired within 2 weeks cause im always late because waking up in the morning is hell and i need to spend at least 40 minutes doomscrolling or crying.

When i actually try to use my brain it takes me.2 whole hours.to finally focus and i cant even have thay cause i live in a famiky that wont let me be for at least 30.minutes. i literally finally was able to do work tonight and my dad ruined it by yelling at me. I was actually doing school work .

Now i have to open my laptop and stare at it for 2 hours before my brain works again and hope i dont fall asleep cause now i have to hide under the fucking covers like a child just to do my school work so i dont het yelled at.


Im convinced that life is too much effort for me. All my goals require more effort than i have to give which is none. The only reason im still trying is cause im too much of a pussy to kill myself and i dont have anywhere to hide a shotgun in my room where its easily accessible to pick and blast myself in the head when ive finally had enough.

Also if i did blast my head off. Id need to order an uber or taxi so i dont have to worry about leaving a car behind, then find a location then make sure i even have enough money for the uber and a shotgum qhich mwans id jave to get another part time job just to kill myself cleanly. That just sucks.

 

[Adûnâi]

Wow, that does sound incredibly disgusting to live in, I'm sorry : ( But as your age is typically the cusp of adult life, is there no way to move out? I'm not sure how it works though. At least you can go outside.

 

[alienfreak]

I'd really consider trying to think of any way to move out even if takes a leap of faith and thinking outside-the-box. Even if you'd have to postpone school or something it might be for the best. im over 30 now and if i could go back in time and quit university to move out at 21 i would absolutely do it because the early independence would have been so good for me. school and learning coding will always be available but your mental health and youth is invaluable

 

[hoppybunny]

Update: fell asleep. Got no work done

Wow, that does sound incredibly disgusting to live in, I'm sorry : ( But as your age is typically the cusp of adult life, is there no way to move out? I'm not sure how it works though. At least you can go outside.

I could try but theirs a lot of rules to move out like making 3x the amount of rent and a proof of income. Neither of which i have however that's just an excuse for me. The real reason i haven't moved out is because i don't want to burn any bridges with my parents and i want to focus on school since part time jobs really affect my school work. Like i said in the post (this isn't supposed to be condescending) i don't have the amount of effort in me to achieve anything. So most i do rn is complain. Once i graduate I'll work on moving out. Cause at that point it will be do or die. My older sister was already working when she graduated so they didn't harass her so if i don't have a job lined up on graduation i will probably face some humilation from my parenrs for being useless and stupid.

I'd really consider trying to think of any way to move out even if takes a leap of faith and thinking outside-the-box. Even if you'd have to postpone school or something it might be for the best. im over 30 now and if i could go back in time and quit university to move out at 21 i would absolutely do it because the early independence would have been so good for me. school and learning coding will always be available but your mental health and youth is invaluable

Thank you. I'm going to start prepping what i need to move out now. I just need to graduate first and have a job. I wanted to wait till my art takes off since i get exhausted from little ammounts of mental /physical pain but i think its best to move out as soon as possible. My main reason for waiting till i graduate is cause i graduate next august so im basically done just need to pull theough for one more year. And my parents are quick to anger. If i move out without graduating i may burn a bridge between us and i dont want that. Its unfortunate that they could.get offended by me wanting independence but theyre very controlling.