Venting Binged again...

[death unto me]

I've struggled with ED for a great portion of my life.food has given me solace, i know it's unhealthy but I can't stop. I used to binged for 3-5 times a day and for the last two weeks i've been restricting mostly because i don't want to shit myself when i ctb (i failed). And today i binged around 4000 calories, my throat hurts, i feel really dizzy and i am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I just want to disappear, someone kill me rn, can't bear living anymore...