hhh_
9/27🪦
- Jun 17, 2023
- 22
i just made this account but i've been on this site for a couple of days so i figured i might as well just register but anyways.
last night my bf and i got into an argument over a really small thing, i told him prior that i had a lot of trouble sleeping because i get scared at night so last night he offered to stay up, but he was already sleepy and he falls asleep really quickly so i just told him not to do that and id rather him just sleep than try and stay up for me but he kept insisting he was doing it for me and stuff so i wouldnt be scared and i dont know he just got mad and i've been really depressed and already been struggling all month so that was my breaking point and i started crying and out of impulse took out my last blade and he heard everything and starting sobbing. weeks prior he searched my entire room for blades and sharp stuff and took them all away so i could stay clean. he started sobbing saying he tried so hard for me not to do that and i betrayed him anyway and how i keep breaking promises (staying clean) and that i never think about him or care about him and kept calling me weak and saying i never try. i know it's my own fault, and i'm weak for continuously failing but i can't help but stay on this cycle of constantly spiraling. before that i was already deep into considering ctb because of how useless i felt and i feel like that just confirms i do nothing but harm to others. i know i'm lazy and i know i'm weak and this was all just a huge mistake. i try to keep problems (relating to my depression) to myself because i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall when i try to communicate them but it's even worse now. i know it's my fault for not communicating and constantly breaking that trust but i feel like i can't talk about it without always being shut down.
he's not a bad person by any means, he's great, he's got everything and he's a good bf, which is why i feel like i don't deserve him and i'm such a burden and he'd be better off without me, but he keeps insisting that he loves me anyway, he always talks about our future together and how we'll get married and have kids and live a wonderful life despite my depression and how he'll take care of me even when it's hard, but i just don't see a future for me, i hurt people just by hurting and i've already done everything to help myself. it's a cycle.
last night my bf and i got into an argument over a really small thing, i told him prior that i had a lot of trouble sleeping because i get scared at night so last night he offered to stay up, but he was already sleepy and he falls asleep really quickly so i just told him not to do that and id rather him just sleep than try and stay up for me but he kept insisting he was doing it for me and stuff so i wouldnt be scared and i dont know he just got mad and i've been really depressed and already been struggling all month so that was my breaking point and i started crying and out of impulse took out my last blade and he heard everything and starting sobbing. weeks prior he searched my entire room for blades and sharp stuff and took them all away so i could stay clean. he started sobbing saying he tried so hard for me not to do that and i betrayed him anyway and how i keep breaking promises (staying clean) and that i never think about him or care about him and kept calling me weak and saying i never try. i know it's my own fault, and i'm weak for continuously failing but i can't help but stay on this cycle of constantly spiraling. before that i was already deep into considering ctb because of how useless i felt and i feel like that just confirms i do nothing but harm to others. i know i'm lazy and i know i'm weak and this was all just a huge mistake. i try to keep problems (relating to my depression) to myself because i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall when i try to communicate them but it's even worse now. i know it's my fault for not communicating and constantly breaking that trust but i feel like i can't talk about it without always being shut down.
he's not a bad person by any means, he's great, he's got everything and he's a good bf, which is why i feel like i don't deserve him and i'm such a burden and he'd be better off without me, but he keeps insisting that he loves me anyway, he always talks about our future together and how we'll get married and have kids and live a wonderful life despite my depression and how he'll take care of me even when it's hard, but i just don't see a future for me, i hurt people just by hurting and i've already done everything to help myself. it's a cycle.
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