I
imbroken
Beyond Repair..
- Dec 6, 2022
- 4
I feel so stupid. My ideation has been very intense lately. I purchased sodium nitrate thinking it was nitrite, which turns out to be useless. I stole a glock 9 from a woman I was seeing. I have like 50 feet of high quality rope. One of these 3 will be my method.
I decided to give therapy one last try. I found a guy I was actually excited about and the first session went really well. I expressed my distrust with therapist, because just a month ago I was recently released from the psyche ward. I had fired my previous therapist, and was working with a stop gap therapist. I expressed my ideatation, but was clear I had no intent. I told her that I did have a rope that I had set up on a bridge a week prior, again with no current intent to use it. She wasnt comfortable with that and said it needed to be removed. I agreed. We agreed I would call a friend and have him remove it. We made a saftey plan until we were to meet again. I felt confident and hopeful. Then 5 mins later she called me back and said I had to go the hospital. They kept me. Trust for therapists gone!
So its been almost 2 months since my hospitalization and Ive been off my meds for over a week. Intense ideation I decided to give myself a chance. I looked for a counselor, found one, first session went well. I told him about a rope I had, I did not mention my gun, or the sodium nitrate, or this website. We had someone remove thw rope from my truck while on the phone. Things seemed to be going well. After the session I had a situation occur with my wife that resulted in me having homicidal ideation towards another man, probably unjustifiably but, nevertheless. I told him about it yesterday, only our 2nd session. I told him I used SI coping skills to calm down and that I had no intent on acting. He decided to proceed to threaten me. He said that I had to contact this dude and tell him I had thoughts of harming him, and that I no longer had intent. I didnt have the guys number, so he made me have my wife relay the message to him. I did so under the threat of hospitalization. After I satisfied his request he scheduled for the next session. Later on that day I emailed him and terminated his services. I ensured that I was safe and not intent or plans to harm myself or others.
He proceeded to say that if I did not answer his calls or respond that he would call in a wellness check. I responded that I am safe and that I did not want to talk at that time. He said we need 3 more sessions before he could discharge me. I told him again, I am not using his services.
15 minutes later the police comes knocking on my friends door looking for me. She told them I was not there and they left. Now I am scared shitless. I know that when requested from a mental clinician, they usually force you to the hospital no matter what you say. Im wondering if there is a way out of this. Im scared to go home. I am not going in voluntarily. I dont know what to do. I feel so betrayed. I tried my best to give the gist of whats happening without making the post too long. Do anyone have experience with wellness checks? Can I ignore it and will it go away? Im thinking about CTB before they get a chance to get me now. I wanted to do it on my own terms in my own time, but it seems like the universe is readying the atmosphere for me. Please help.
I decided to give therapy one last try. I found a guy I was actually excited about and the first session went really well. I expressed my distrust with therapist, because just a month ago I was recently released from the psyche ward. I had fired my previous therapist, and was working with a stop gap therapist. I expressed my ideatation, but was clear I had no intent. I told her that I did have a rope that I had set up on a bridge a week prior, again with no current intent to use it. She wasnt comfortable with that and said it needed to be removed. I agreed. We agreed I would call a friend and have him remove it. We made a saftey plan until we were to meet again. I felt confident and hopeful. Then 5 mins later she called me back and said I had to go the hospital. They kept me. Trust for therapists gone!
So its been almost 2 months since my hospitalization and Ive been off my meds for over a week. Intense ideation I decided to give myself a chance. I looked for a counselor, found one, first session went well. I told him about a rope I had, I did not mention my gun, or the sodium nitrate, or this website. We had someone remove thw rope from my truck while on the phone. Things seemed to be going well. After the session I had a situation occur with my wife that resulted in me having homicidal ideation towards another man, probably unjustifiably but, nevertheless. I told him about it yesterday, only our 2nd session. I told him I used SI coping skills to calm down and that I had no intent on acting. He decided to proceed to threaten me. He said that I had to contact this dude and tell him I had thoughts of harming him, and that I no longer had intent. I didnt have the guys number, so he made me have my wife relay the message to him. I did so under the threat of hospitalization. After I satisfied his request he scheduled for the next session. Later on that day I emailed him and terminated his services. I ensured that I was safe and not intent or plans to harm myself or others.
He proceeded to say that if I did not answer his calls or respond that he would call in a wellness check. I responded that I am safe and that I did not want to talk at that time. He said we need 3 more sessions before he could discharge me. I told him again, I am not using his services.
15 minutes later the police comes knocking on my friends door looking for me. She told them I was not there and they left. Now I am scared shitless. I know that when requested from a mental clinician, they usually force you to the hospital no matter what you say. Im wondering if there is a way out of this. Im scared to go home. I am not going in voluntarily. I dont know what to do. I feel so betrayed. I tried my best to give the gist of whats happening without making the post too long. Do anyone have experience with wellness checks? Can I ignore it and will it go away? Im thinking about CTB before they get a chance to get me now. I wanted to do it on my own terms in my own time, but it seems like the universe is readying the atmosphere for me. Please help.