Best time to CTB for minimal trauma on younger brother?

[Scribble Fan]

I can't ctb because of him. He's the only one that's ever loved me. I can't destroy his life but I don't belong here. I never have and I want to go now. I've spent five years trying to stay alive but I wish I just killed myself at sixteen. I stayed for his sake but I can't stand this anymore.

He's a junior in high school, when would the best time to depart be? Summer break? I know this will destroy his summer and maybe senior year but that's a lethargic time anyway (I think). If I leave after he graduates I'm worried he could fail in college... To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how he would react to this. He got through the cat's death plenty well, but I'm his older sibling. We're close. I only mentioned once when we were arguing a couple years back that I wanted to die and he got very upset... I'm pretty sure he's a strong person.

He has a good friend group, people he's known since early childhood, I hope they would be supportive. His parents also never abused him so they may be of use. Problem is they "love" me (even though they were the ones who abused me until I fell into this mentally ill state) so they could also be hit pretty hard and they may not be as supportive since they would be struggling themselves. Plus, I don't trust them. With new emotional turmoil they may just slip back into their old ways.

My worst fear is that my younger brother would fall into mental illness due to my suicide. He's always sort of looked up to me (I don't know why). This is deeply frustrating. I also can't open up to him about how I feel to mitigate the suprise of my passing because I'm afraid they would send me to a therapist or have me committed to a mental hospital. I suppose I'll have to leave all details in my suicide note.

Any advice?? All thoughts would be much appreciated!

 

[PatKat]

Suicide by anyone will have an effect on a lot of people. Family, friends, person that finds you, coroner, EMTs, and anyone else that directly deals with it. Even outside of that you have the human mouth to speak about it and spread it, and the internet for the same reason. There is no clean way out you will dirty hands no matter how it is done. If you do not want to let anyone down then try to stick it out the best you can. I know it's hard, but I am holding on, and it is brutal.

Do you have access to mental health at all or a therapist to speak to about this stuff?

If I had access I would be using these services it isnt like I'm not trying. Just so many roadblocks along the way for me. I NEED my medications l, I need my Psychologist, and I NEED ECT. Noone listens to me though they all just view me as the trash of the world. :(

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

There's no such thing as "minimal trauma". There will be trauma, period. The question is whether or not your brother is equipped to handle it. I don't think there is a perfect time. Trauma will affect and potentially disrupt whatever is happening in his life at that time. If it doesn't happen while he's in school, it could be his first job, etc. If it happens while he's at his first professional job he could be depressed enough to lose maximum functioning capacity and thus lose employment. I'm not wishing that on him. I'm just saying that as an example. As time goes on there will always be worries about his mental state if your brother is not equipped to handle the loss and manage the grieving process.

That said, it sounds as if he could be a beacon of hope for you to try to continue living, coping or maybe even have some happy times here and there. You may want to reevaluate your decision not to tell him of your ideations. Tell him "I feel very sad and I hate this life". I don't like the idea of using the word suicide with a junior HS student. (you know best where his maturity level is to handle that word.) If it gets back to adults then tell them "I have occasional thoughts of death, but I'm not in imminent danger." That will prevent any relatives from trying to commit you since there is lack of urgency. However it would give your brother some inkling that you need each other even more than ever at this time.

The shock without any warning signs could potentially leave him wondering whether there was anything he could do. However if he had some proverbial clues he may feel as if there are things he could do today to strengthen your bond as brothers. I'd imagine that any of these gestures would be comforting. And maybe even give you something to continue living for.

I'm sorry your having a tough time. Sending some gentle hugs.

Lastly, why don't you want to go to a therapist?

 

[Scribble Fan]

Suicide by anyone will have an effect on a lot of people. Family, friends, person that finds you, coroner, EMTs, and anyone else that directly deals with it. Even outside of that you have the human mouth to speak about it and spread it, and the internet for the same reason. There is no clean way out you will dirty hands no matter how it is done. If you do not want to let anyone down then try to stick it out the best you can. I know it's hard, but I am holding on, and it is brutal.

Do you have access to mental health at all or a therapist to speak to about this stuff?

If I had access I would be using these services it isnt like I'm not trying. Just so many roadblocks along the way for me. I NEED my medications l, I need my Psychologist, and I NEED ECT. Noone listens to me though they all just view me as the trash of the world. :(

Thank you for responding! And you're right... plus I didn't even think about the coroner and EMTs. I suppose if I'm taking the hard way out I'll just have to find one of those therapists then. Eventually.

You're not the trash of the world, not even close

There's no such thing as "minimal trauma". There will be trauma, period. The question is whether or not your brother is equipped to handle it. I don't think there is a perfect time. Trauma will affect and potentially disrupt whatever is happening in his life at that time. If it doesn't happen while he's in school, it could be his first job, etc. If it happens while he's at his first professional job he could be depressed enough to lose maximum functioning capacity and thus lose employment. I'm not wishing that on him. I'm just saying that as an example. As time goes on there will always be worries about his mental state if your brother is not equipped to handle the loss and manage the grieving process.

That said, it sounds as if he could be a beacon of hope for you to try to continue living, coping or maybe even have some happy times here and there. You may want to reevaluate your decision not to tell him of your ideations. Tell him "I feel very sad and I hate this life". I don't like the idea of using the word suicide with a junior HS student. (you know best where his maturity level is to handle that word.) If it gets back to adults then tell them "I have occasional thoughts of death, but I'm not in imminent danger." That will prevent any relatives from trying to commit you since there is lack of urgency. However it would give your brother some inkling that you need each other even more than ever at this time.

The shock without any warning signs could potentially leave him wondering whether there was anything he could do. However if he had some proverbial clues he may feel as if there are things he could do today to strengthen your bond as brothers. I'd imagine that any of these gestures would be comforting. And maybe even give you something to continue living for.

I'm sorry your having a tough time. Sending some gentle hugs.

Lastly, why don't you want to go to a therapist?

Thank you for your words! I think I'll hold off suicide, at least for now. Even though SS has taught me my life is to do what I want with it I'm just not prepared to put him through all that.

I haven't talked to a therapist yet because I'm living on my parents dime. Ugh. The reason they support me is because I think they feel some semblance of guilt for destroying my childhood, and I'm genuinely grateful for this, but I've just wanted to ctb for the past five years instead of recover. Not out of laziness, mostly despair and disgust with the world and life.

Funny thing, I just finished the movie Girl, Interrupted and the way she recovered was... opening up to the therapists. I always feel like they'll blame me and tell me to be grateful and stop being so lazy, especially because I have a difficult time opening up (I think most people do?), but it may be the only way out of a lifetime of suicidal thoughts.


Much appreciated, friends!