Being wham, bammed, thank you ma'amed.

[azucaramargo]

I'm 40, and still letting this shit happen. Can anyone relate--like, right now--to someone having seen you naked and done all this stuff to/with you, and lives in the same fucking town as you, but wants nothing to do with you? And, you quit your bullshit job over it? And, you started stalking the guy? I feel so much shame and embarrassment. He's out there. He's seen me at my most vulnerable, and he doesn't want any more. Why did I put myself in this spot AGAIN?!?! Like a fucking 19-year-old. "What?!?! He doesn't LOVE me?!?!" I don't wanna be so mentally ill that I do shit like this...so desperate for momentary approval that I do something that I know will hurt me. I knew I wasn't strong enough for a casual fling, and I knew that's all I wanted, but I went through with it anyway because I thought it'd work out in my favor in the end. LOVE would prevail. I hate that I let someone see me naked who never wants to see me again. I hate that. Can anyone relate?

 

[Tyuiop]

I really relate to you, I've been used too many times, it's the reason I want to ctb, I just don't want to get a massive crush again, put all my hopes on the guy and then he just leaves...

 

[Thoughtforms]

You are giving too much power to one stupid person

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I don't want to sound preachy because we all view things differently. This is only my perspective.

I have felt this way before. But the vulnerable state they witnessed was not my nudity. I shared thoughts, feelings, tears, eye-contact, my hand to hold - only to have the other person really not give damn either way.

I don't believe in souls or anything but I'd be hard pressed to say you aren't more than just your body.

Think of an impactful memory (it doesn't even have to be a good one, just personal and impactful to you), a special song, a work of art that moves you.. think of one of those things that you DIDN'T share with this person.

I'm sure there is so much more to you that he didn't see.

 

[Roulette]

I'm so sorry that happened to you and you feel this way <\3 considering the outcome, he could've ended up loving you just for your body... would you feel fulfilled like that? Everyone deserves to be loved more than their physical appearance

He wouldn't be worth your time

 

[azucaramargo]

I really relate to you, I've been used too many times, it's the reason I want to ctb, I just don't want to get a massive crush again, put all my hopes on the guy and then he just leaves...

Story of my life, Baby.

 

[azucaramargo]

I don't want to sound preachy because we all view things differently. This is only my perspective.

I have felt this way before. But the vulnerable state they witnessed was not my nudity. I shared thoughts, feelings, tears, eye-contact, my hand to hold - only to have the other person really not give damn either way.

I don't believe in souls or anything but I'd be hard pressed to say you aren't more than just your body.

Think of an impactful memory (it doesn't even have to be a good one, just personal and impactful to you), a special song, a work of art that moves you.. think of one of those things that you DIDN'T share with this person.

I'm sure there is so much more to you that he didn't see.

Sundayafternoon, that was so nice of you to share with me some tips for getting over this humiliation and pain. Thank you so much!

 

[azucaramargo]

I'm so sorry that happened to you and you feel this way <\3 considering the outcome, he could've ended up loving you just for your body... would you feel fulfilled like that? Everyone deserves to be loved more than their physical appearance

He wouldn't be worth your time

If he liked me for just my bod, he'd at least still LIKE me. And, I'd have a bod worthy of being used. :) Thank you, Roulette, for consoling me. You're a good egg. :)

 

[azucaramargo]

You are giving too much power to one stupid person

Thank you, Thoughtforms. The people who reject me have a lot of power, for some reason. "How could they resist the likes of ME?" Just kidding. Thank you for your empowering comment.

 

[azucaramargo]

@Thoughtforms, @Sundayafternoon, @Tyuiop, Hi you all. Thank you so much for reading my post, and taking the time to offer your thoughts. Made me feel really loved. I just wanted to update you all on my pathetic-ness and the situation. I couldn't help but text him again. And, he wrote back something mean that hurt my feelings. I guess I asked for it. Do I LIKE the pain? Is that why I keep coming back for more? Thank you all for your love and care.

 

[azucaramargo]

@Thoughtforms, @Sundayafternoon, @Tyuiop Sorry to keep tagging you, My Friends. I know you have better things to do, but I just felt a WHOLE lot better to learn that this guy has a gf. I feel better for 2 reasons: a) I no longer need convincing of what a scumbag he is; b) now his meanness makes sense. I thought he was just being cruel for cruelty's sake. But, he was really trying to nip it in the bud so his gf wouldn't find out. It's crappy of him, and now I know what kind of loser I was dealing with. Thank you all for your help and friendship. xoxoxo

 

[Sundayafternoon]

Sundayafternoon, that was so nice of you to share with me some tips for getting over this humiliation and pain. Thank you so much!

I know it doesn't help much but I've been there and i understand. I hope you're feeling a bit better.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

@Thoughtforms, @Sundayafternoon, @Tyuiop Sorry to keep tagging you, My Friends. I know you have better things to do, but I just felt a WHOLE lot better to learn that this guy has a gf. I feel better for 2 reasons: a) I no longer need convincing of what a scumbag he is; b) now his meanness makes sense. I thought he was just being cruel for cruelty's sake. But, he was really trying to nip it in the bud so his gf wouldn't find out. It's crappy of him, and now I know what kind of loser I was dealing with. Thank you all for your help and friendship. xoxoxo

YES! A guy i was so in love with (and admittedly still see from time time) broke off our FWB arrangements to go back to his ex. I literally cried and begged this man to not just discard me. At one point through my tears I cried out, "I promise I can be normal!" I was willing to accept anything! After he ignored a few more of my text messages and calls, I went back to my lonely existence.

A few weeks later, I'm in the store looking at all of the couples shopping together. Feeling shitty, i thought to myself "what am I doing with life?"
At that exact moment he texts to say he misses me, blah blah.
My very next thought was, "whatever the hell I'm doing, I'm not getting cheated on!"

Good riddance to him-glad you're doing better!

 

[Final Escape]

I'm 40, and still letting this shit happen. Can anyone relate--like, right now--to someone having seen you naked and done all this stuff to/with you, and lives in the same fucking town as you, but wants nothing to do with you? And, you quit your bullshit job over it? And, you started stalking the guy? I feel so much shame and embarrassment. He's out there. He's seen me at my most vulnerable, and he doesn't want any more. Why did I put myself in this spot AGAIN?!?! Like a fucking 19-year-old. "What?!?! He doesn't LOVE me?!?!" I don't wanna be so mentally ill that I do shit like this...so desperate for momentary approval that I do something that I know will hurt me. I knew I wasn't strong enough for a casual fling, and I knew that's all I wanted, but I went through with it anyway because I thought it'd work out in my favor in the end. LOVE would prevail. I hate that I let someone see me naked who never wants to see me again. I hate that. Can anyone relate?

Yes, story of my life too. I have tremendous regret over having sex with the wrong type of guys. I feel completely broken from it too. Like nowadays I can't help but feel angry at younger self over my naivety about men when I was young. For women, it's more impactful to have casual sex and causes problems for us even with birth control available. It doesn't change the reality that we are hurt by too many partners or that we need to be sure someone wants to stick around before we have sex preferably. Women attach more emotionally during sex, so we are more apt to get hurt. The more times this happens to you, the more difficult it becomes to have a relationship in the future.

 

[Final Escape]

I really relate to you, I've been used too many times, it's the reason I want to ctb, I just don't want to get a massive crush again, put all my hopes on the guy and then he just leaves...

Or worse yet, u figure out the guy is a antisocial and you end up fleeing because the guy is dangerous and irresponsible.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Or she marries you, has you emigrate to the other side of the world for her, and when your mental health fails and you wind up in a psych clinic, she kicks you out of the house and runs off with a random guy from Facebook.

I'm in a new relationship now, but if this one doesn't work out, I can honestly say I would rather cut my penis off with a rusty breadknife than date another person on this godforsaken earth. What a farce it all is.

 

[Final Escape]

Or she marries you, has you emigrate to the other side of the world for her, and when your mental health fails and you wind up in a psych clinic, she kicks you out of the house and runs off with a random guy from Facebook.

I'm in a new relationship now, but if this one doesn't work out, I can honestly say I would rather cut my penis off with a rusty breadknife than date another person on this godforsaken earth. What a farce it all is.

Lmao!

 

[azucaramargo]

YES! A guy i was so in love with (and admittedly still see from time time) broke off our FWB arrangements to go back to his ex. I literally cried and begged this man to not just discard me. At one point through my tears I cried out, "I promise I can be normal!" I was willing to accept anything! After he ignored a few more of my text messages and calls, I went back to my lonely existence.

A few weeks later, I'm in the store looking at all of the couples shopping together. Feeling shitty, i thought to myself "what am I doing with life?"
At that exact moment he texts to say he misses me, blah blah.
My very next thought was, "whatever the hell I'm doing, I'm not getting cheated on!"

Good riddance to him-glad you're doing better!

Sundayafternoon, you are SUCH a badass!!!! That's awesome! I too have used those exact same pleading words about being normal. You give me strength. Thank you .

 

[azucaramargo]

Yes, story of my life too. I have tremendous regret over having sex with the wrong type of guys. I feel completely broken from it too. Like nowadays I can't help but be bitter over my naivety about men when I was young. For women, it's more impactful to have casual sex and causes problems for us even with birth control available. It doesn't change the reality that we are hurt by too many partners or that we need to be sure someone wants to stick around before we have sex preferably. Women attach more emotionally during sex, so we are more apt to get hurt. The more times this happens to you, the more difficult it becomes to have a relationship in the future.

You SAID it, Finalescaoe!!! You're SO right! Thank you for this.

 

[azucaramargo]

Or she marries you, has you emigrate to the other side of the world for her, and when your mental health fails and you wind up in a psych clinic, she kicks you out of the house and runs off with a random guy from Facebook.

I'm in a new relationship now, but if this one doesn't work out, I can honestly say I would rather cut my penis off with a rusty breadknife than date another person on this godforsaken earth. What a farce it all is.

O

 

[azucaramargo]

Whoa! What a horrific tale! Glad you found someone better. My hat is off to you.

 

[Final Escape]

You SAID it, Finalescaoe!!! You're SO right! Thank you for this.

But how to change it? That's what's hard. If you are having this situation it might have aspects of addiction combined. If you are 40 and still find yourself repeating destructive habits and tendencies like this, you would have to go celibate for a while, 1 or 2 yrs maybe to get past it. For me this is not possible right now because I'm a sex worker :( for a living. If u are able to go celibate for awhile I would try that. I really want to be celibate because I'm just tired of all the sex with strangers lol! It doesn't help me feel better because it's not in the right context. Plus I'm kinda older now and feel like my skin starting to sag, my female part drying up lol! I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm still doing this at my age. If u want to chat about this privately please message me. I very much relate to your story. Going celibate can help u gain clarity and lower the compulsivity of chasing that sex high. It might actually help u regain your self esteem over time. The tough part is how will u fill the void when u do go celibate.

 

[azucaramargo]

Thank you, Final Escape. I will contact you privately. You are a great writer, by the way. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I send you lots of love.

 

[gingerplum]

La Douleur Exquise: A French attempt to describe the heart-wrenching pain that one feels when they love someone they cannot have. Similar to unrequited love, but not quite the same. Unrequited love attempts to describe the status of the relationship, one loves another who does not love them back. La douleur exquise however focuses on the feelings of the one whose love is unrequited. That painful feeling of loving someone you will NEVER have.

 

[Fernweh]

La Douleur Exquise: A French attempt to describe the heart-wrenching pain that one feels when they love someone they cannot have. Similar to unrequited love, but not quite the same. Unrequited love attempts to describe the status of the relationship, one loves another who does not love them back. La douleur exquise however focuses on the feelings of the one whose love is unrequited. That painful feeling of loving someone you will NEVER have.

I LOVE it when i come across words or expressions which are as universal as it gets but for some reason havent made it into "my" language. Its like crack to me.

Just a side note, had to comment.. :)

 

[azucaramargo]

La Douleur Exquise: A French attempt to describe the heart-wrenching pain that one feels when they love someone they cannot have. Similar to unrequited love, but not quite the same. Unrequited love attempts to describe the status of the relationship, one loves another who does not love them back. La douleur exquise however focuses on the feelings of the one whose love is unrequited. That painful feeling of loving someone you will NEVER have.

Thank you.

 

[azucaramargo]

La Douleur Exquise: A French attempt to describe the heart-wrenching pain that one feels when they love someone they cannot have. Similar to unrequited love, but not quite the same. Unrequited love attempts to describe the status of the relationship, one loves another who does not love them back. La douleur exquise however focuses on the feelings of the one whose love is unrequited. That painful feeling of loving someone you will NEVER have.

Thank you for that, gingerplum.

 

[stellabelle]

It happens in relationships, too. I'm sorry you feel used. I've been through this cycle so many times that it became "normal", even when I didn't want it at all.

 

[azucaramargo]

It happens in relationships, too. I'm sorry you feel used. I've been through this cycle so many times that it became "normal", even when I didn't want it at all.

Thank you, Stellabelle. I guess it's all about self esteem and all that. I really appreciate your posting. Thank you.

 

[azucaramargo]

I don't want to sound preachy because we all view things differently. This is only my perspective.

I have felt this way before. But the vulnerable state they witnessed was not my nudity. I shared thoughts, feelings, tears, eye-contact, my hand to hold - only to have the other person really not give damn either way.

I don't believe in souls or anything but I'd be hard pressed to say you aren't more than just your body.

Think of an impactful memory (it doesn't even have to be a good one, just personal and impactful to you), a special song, a work of art that moves you.. think of one of those things that you DIDN'T share with this person.

I'm sure there is so much more to you that he didn't see.

This was such a beautiful response to my agitated post. Thank you so, so much. I'm sorry for this delayed reply. Much love to you, Sundayafternoon. Thank you for being there for me.