GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
Most people, I think, want others to think well of them.
However, it seems that many -- most?-- people would rather look good than to actually be good, to have without having to earn.
Even though it's an ancient human trait, tied in, perhaps, with the primate trait of saving face, I have a hard time understanding that. If someone wants others to think well of them, but it's not based on the truth, then what do they get out of it?
Camouflage?
Acceptance?
Admiration?
But what if it gets revealed that they are not what they claim? And then they lose the acceptance? And are despised?
Do they spend their lives in fear of others discovering the truth and rejecting them? Do they spend extraordinary effort keeping up a facade? Are they so awful that they would be rejected for who they are of it were discovered? Do they do awful things behind closed doors? Wouldn't it be less effort to just be oneself, and if what they do behind closed doors is so bad, then to work on it lest the doors come open and they get revealed? How do they manage knowing they are admired for what they are not? Does it bring safety? To me, it seems to bring stress, because it could all come crashing down. Or is there a high in that challenge and fear?
I'm struggling to understand this because I came from a family that is supposedly all about honesty and trustworthiness and integrity and good Midwestern Christian values, yet I was beaten behind closed doors, my supposedly super-honest parents lied to the world that we had a relationship years after shunning me, and I am the only one in the family who actually walks my talk and strives to live in integrity:
I'm also struggling because the world is shit. There are so many "winners" and people in incredibly powerful positions who have little to no integrity. I see so little evidence of it in the world, and I ache because the world needs it so much, at every level. I ache because there are many people who would choose integrity, but are subjected to abusive power such that they have to choose between integrity and survival, for themselves and perhaps their families. There is so much abusive power and dominance in the world, and it seems like they win. This breaks my heart, to be a good person and to have no power to help, heal, or make change. It seems the good makes a difference here and there, makes life more livable, brings soothing, brings much-needed moments of decency and safety and even love and healing amidst all the suffering and torture and soul-crushing dominance. But it's not going to win. It won't be dominant, maybe because dominance is against the very nature of such good, which honors and values boundaries and autonomy and freedom, which uplifts rather than oppresses. The dominant insists on fighting, on war. It says, "Destroy me. It is the only way. And then you will be just like me. So even then, I win." Dominant power says, "I have power, and I want more power." Good power says, "I have power over myself, and I want everyone else to have power over themselves."
I got a bit off track there. Those last two paragraphs surprised me. I was crying as I wrote, as I felt the concurrent goodness and helplessness. I feel defeated. I cannot pour the good, integrity, and love where they do not want to be received -- my family, social groups, leaders, governments, the world.
Anyhow, I wanted to ask:
What about you? I want to listen, and I promise I won't judge or condemn.
If you're one who seeks the camouflage, acceptance and admiration, but aren't who or what you project, why? How does that serve you? What would happen if you were revealed? Do you think you could benefit and grow from being revealed? Do you think those who are vulnerable to you, such as dependents and loved ones, would get more value and safety from the real you if you could no longer hide? Would you truly be in danger if your vulnerability and actual self were revealed? There are so many things I could ask you! Do you feel powerful? Do you feel like you win? Do you feel good about it?
If you ever did lose your camouflage, acceptance and admiration, how did that change your life and change you?
If you're like me, and accept yourself for all your weirdness and difference, and live the same both publicly and privately, do you find it brings benefit or not? Do you get enough reward for walking the harder road of integrity and self-acceptance? Do you feel lonely because it seems so few others walk that path?
Are you some combination of the above? How does that feel? Are you comfortable? What are the challenges, and what are the benefits?
However, it seems that many -- most?-- people would rather look good than to actually be good, to have without having to earn.
Even though it's an ancient human trait, tied in, perhaps, with the primate trait of saving face, I have a hard time understanding that. If someone wants others to think well of them, but it's not based on the truth, then what do they get out of it?
Camouflage?
Acceptance?
Admiration?
But what if it gets revealed that they are not what they claim? And then they lose the acceptance? And are despised?
Do they spend their lives in fear of others discovering the truth and rejecting them? Do they spend extraordinary effort keeping up a facade? Are they so awful that they would be rejected for who they are of it were discovered? Do they do awful things behind closed doors? Wouldn't it be less effort to just be oneself, and if what they do behind closed doors is so bad, then to work on it lest the doors come open and they get revealed? How do they manage knowing they are admired for what they are not? Does it bring safety? To me, it seems to bring stress, because it could all come crashing down. Or is there a high in that challenge and fear?
I'm struggling to understand this because I came from a family that is supposedly all about honesty and trustworthiness and integrity and good Midwestern Christian values, yet I was beaten behind closed doors, my supposedly super-honest parents lied to the world that we had a relationship years after shunning me, and I am the only one in the family who actually walks my talk and strives to live in integrity:
- Choosing courage over comfort
- Choosing what's right over what's fun, fast, or easy
- Practicing values, not just professing them
I'm also struggling because the world is shit. There are so many "winners" and people in incredibly powerful positions who have little to no integrity. I see so little evidence of it in the world, and I ache because the world needs it so much, at every level. I ache because there are many people who would choose integrity, but are subjected to abusive power such that they have to choose between integrity and survival, for themselves and perhaps their families. There is so much abusive power and dominance in the world, and it seems like they win. This breaks my heart, to be a good person and to have no power to help, heal, or make change. It seems the good makes a difference here and there, makes life more livable, brings soothing, brings much-needed moments of decency and safety and even love and healing amidst all the suffering and torture and soul-crushing dominance. But it's not going to win. It won't be dominant, maybe because dominance is against the very nature of such good, which honors and values boundaries and autonomy and freedom, which uplifts rather than oppresses. The dominant insists on fighting, on war. It says, "Destroy me. It is the only way. And then you will be just like me. So even then, I win." Dominant power says, "I have power, and I want more power." Good power says, "I have power over myself, and I want everyone else to have power over themselves."
I got a bit off track there. Those last two paragraphs surprised me. I was crying as I wrote, as I felt the concurrent goodness and helplessness. I feel defeated. I cannot pour the good, integrity, and love where they do not want to be received -- my family, social groups, leaders, governments, the world.
Anyhow, I wanted to ask:
What about you? I want to listen, and I promise I won't judge or condemn.
If you're one who seeks the camouflage, acceptance and admiration, but aren't who or what you project, why? How does that serve you? What would happen if you were revealed? Do you think you could benefit and grow from being revealed? Do you think those who are vulnerable to you, such as dependents and loved ones, would get more value and safety from the real you if you could no longer hide? Would you truly be in danger if your vulnerability and actual self were revealed? There are so many things I could ask you! Do you feel powerful? Do you feel like you win? Do you feel good about it?
If you ever did lose your camouflage, acceptance and admiration, how did that change your life and change you?
If you're like me, and accept yourself for all your weirdness and difference, and live the same both publicly and privately, do you find it brings benefit or not? Do you get enough reward for walking the harder road of integrity and self-acceptance? Do you feel lonely because it seems so few others walk that path?
Are you some combination of the above? How does that feel? Are you comfortable? What are the challenges, and what are the benefits?
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