Venting Being unhealthy since childhood

[seeker]

I have arrhythmia since I was 12. I don't know if it started because I was being bullied at school, but since that age I feel like I'm going to die. I can feel my heartbeat every second. I feel like I'm too close to death, at the same time I feel bad for not being dead already. I started smoking last year but I got some other diseases related to my blood. Now I'm drinking alcohol. I never heard of anybody that was so fucked up in terms of healthy and heart disease in such an early age, at least not in my social bubble. I know that maybe this heart disease could have been triggered by the stress I had when I was being bullied, but I'm not sure of it.

After smoking for around 6 months I started feeling some pain in my legs and I went to the doctor, but nothing was diagnosed, although he noted a dilated vein in my left leg. So I'm taking some meds for now waiting it to get better. Not only my leg, but some other veins in my arms were affected in those months where I was smoking . I'm 20 now , but I feel like I'm 90 just waiting to be dead in some years or even months. I'm feeling really trapped with all these things, the death of my father and the suicide attempts of my brother fucked me up in a bad way. And now, not even cigarettes can be my distractions anymore...

I'll not ask what you folks would do in my situation. It's just a venting. I wish y'all never experience this...

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, life is just so tiring. Our bodies really can torture us. I wish you well.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

I hope if hearing your heartbeat constantly you can/do get decent anti-anxiety meds to deal with this. I can't imagine this. Sorry to hear about your dad and brother. I hear you about smoking, I have been smoking a very long time and I hate it but it gives me something to do.

Take care. I guess at least you're getting meds...and medical attention.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I'm sorry you're experiencing all that you are, and at such a young age too. It's so hard to deal with physical issues and pain at ANY age but when you're young, it adds another dimension to it because you feel so angry at your body for betraying you and all you want is to experience being young and healthy (I have been in your shoes, so I totally, utterly, completely get it and what I wrote I guess is my own experience and emotions about dealing with health issues at a young age, so I apologize if it seems I spoke for you and how you feel...that wasn't my intention).

As for the heart condition you're dealing with, I also have some mild heart related stuff so I know how disturbing that pounding sensation is, or palpitations where it feels like your heart is all out of rhythm or 'vibrating' or fluttering. I can feel it in my neck sometimes even. Have you had an echocardiogram done? Can they give you any meds to help, like beta blockers?

I hope your health issues stabilize and I wish you well. You deserve to enjoy your youth and to get relief from what's causing you pain or to feel physically uncomfortable. Please know you're not alone and though I'm considerably older than you, I'm here if you ever need to vent or want a sympathetic ear.

 

[seeker]

I'm sorry you are suffering, life is just so tiring. Our bodies really can torture us. I wish you well.

Thank you. My body kills me every day, slowly, at the same time it keeps me alive.

I hope if hearing your heartbeat constantly you can/do get decent anti-anxiety meds to deal with this. I can't imagine this. Sorry to hear about your dad and brother. I hear you about smoking, I have been smoking a very long time and I hate it but it gives me something to do.

Take care. I guess at least you're getting meds...and medical attention.

SSRI like Prozac made me feel even worse, most anti-depressant and anti-anxiety made me feel more anxious and made my heartbeat increase. I wish I could smoke all my life, at least to relief me from the struggle it's to keep living like this. Be careful smoking, anyway. Meds and medication are helping me, but it's having no effect for now. I feel trapped..

I'm sorry you're experiencing all that you are, and at such a young age too. It's so hard to deal with physical issues and pain at ANY age but when you're young, it adds another dimension to it because you feel so angry at your body for betraying you and all you want is to experience being young and healthy (I have been in your shoes, so I totally, utterly, completely get it and what I wrote I guess is my own experience and emotions about dealing with health issues at a young age, so I apologize if it seems I spoke for you and how you feel...that wasn't my intention).

As for the heart condition you're dealing with, I also have some mild heart related stuff so I know how disturbing that pounding sensation is, or palpitations where it feels like your heart is all out of rhythm or 'vibrating' or fluttering. I can feel it in my neck sometimes even. Have you had an echocardiogram done? Can they give you any meds to help, like beta blockers?

I hope your health issues stabilize and I wish you well. You deserve to enjoy your youth and to get relief from what's causing you pain or to feel physically uncomfortable. Please know you're not alone and though I'm considerably older than you, I'm here if you ever need to vent or want a sympathetic ear.

It feels weird being like this, I'm almost certain that I'll not last until my 30s. It's okay to relate to this, it's your right, thanks for understanding it. I did some exams, including echocardiogram, and I was diagnosed with extrasystoles. They told me that I didn't need treatment, but I guess now I need some. I guess I wouldn't mind being alone and depressive without those diseases. I got out from the last job I applied for and college. I don't have more motivation to read books or study for hours, not with this sense of pressure in my veins all over my body. Btw, thanks for being here to listen, I wish you well too.