Venting Being the youngest

[someguy404]

I don't mean to single out older siblings with this one but just let me have this lol.

My older sisters and I are 11-12 years apart. I was never been included in anything, and constantly had to be watched because my mom would leave the house (which meant they couldn't hang out with friends or see boyfriends). They resented me and I knew it. I tried to fix my annoying behavior. I stopped talking, I stopped asking for things, and at the ripe age of 7 I tried to kill myself; though, it was a half-ass attempt.

All I've ever wanted to do was to be less annoying, be less in the way because I was such a bother to them. Such a nuisance of a younger brother. I tried to kill myself on my birthday so they could return the gifts they bought me, so they wouldn't have to think about me on two days of the year; everything I've ever done has been to be less annoying, but it never works.

Suicide is really the only option to fix this in my eyes. I have an annoying personality which I've tried so hard to change but just can't, trying to fix my appearance to look better, be smarter, be the son my mom always wanted, everything. Why keep trying to fix all these damn things when I could just kill myself and make everyone happy?

"Oh, he will be missed," "Rest easy," instead of, "he's so annoying I just wish he'd leave us alone," "he's so loud," "Why do we have to take care of him?"

Being loved in memory is better than being alive as a burden

 

[kindalone]

Don't be so harsh on yourself, my friend. Your existence is not annoying just because your sisters were too focused on their own experiences and couldn't care properly for you. You should have been cared for. Changing yourself to the image people wanna have of you will make you lose yourself in the process. Trust me, I tried that shit. Your worth as a person should not depend on how convenient you are for your sisters or how well you fit your mother's expectations. I feel like you were robbed of the validation you craved early on and I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you have others who appreciate you and make you aware of the worth you have.

 

[someguy404]

Don't be so harsh on yourself, my friend. Your existence is not annoying just because your sisters were too focused on their own experiences and couldn't care properly for you. You should have been cared for. Changing yourself to the image people wanna have of you will make you lose yourself in the process. Trust me, I tried that shit. Your worth as a person should not depend on how convenient you are for your sisters or how well you fit your mother's expectations. I feel like you were robbed of the validation you craved early on and I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you have others who appreciate you and make you aware of the worth you have.

Been staring at this reply for a while and I'm truly in shock at how you took the time to write that for me.

I really appreciate it your words, made me cry a little but still appreciate them nonetheless lol. I'm trying to become happier with myself and feel less of a need to change. I'm sorry you've tried this/went through this too before. Thanks, man.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you had this experience but it really wasn't your fault- whatsoever. We are needy as children- everyone is! That's not a personality flaw.

If I'm honest, it's kind of hard not to pity your older siblings also to an extent. They were children/ young adults too. It's by no means your doing or fault but they likely didn't want that responsibility at that age. Maybe your Mum didn't have the choice but it wasn't actually fair on any of you. You were all robbed of your childhood/ young adulthood to a degree.

I think it's naive to think this won't affect you. It sounds as if you have supressed so much of yourself to try and not be a nuisance to others. Plus, it's bound to make you paranoid about how others perceive you if you have been made to feel a certain way so much. Still- you are an adult now. You don't need to be supervised now. None of that was your fault. It's unfortunate that it all happened but your older sisters don't need to feel responsible for you now. I'd say all you can do now is to try and be as independant as you can be. All you can do is to try and put it behind you now. I hope you are able to.

 

[someguy404]

I'm so sorry you had this experience but it really wasn't your fault- whatsoever. We are needy as children- everyone is! That's not a personality flaw.

If I'm honest, it's kind of hard not to pity your older siblings also to an extent. They were children/ young adults too. It's by no means your doing or fault but they likely didn't want that responsibility at that age. Maybe your Mum didn't have the choice but it wasn't actually fair on any of you. You were all robbed of your childhood/ young adulthood to a degree.

I think it's naive to think this won't affect you. It sounds as if you have supressed so much of yourself to try and not be a nuisance to others. Plus, it's bound to make you paranoid about how others perceive you if you have been made to feel a certain way so much. Still- you are an adult now. You don't need to be supervised now. None of that was your fault. It's unfortunate that it all happened but your older sisters don't need to feel responsible for you now. I'd say all you can do now is to try and be as independant as you can be. All you can do is to try and put it behind you now. I hope you are able to.

Yeahhhh, I feel bad for my sisters all the time, lol.

We still argue about it sometimes, making me feel bad because they had to do certain things for them, so "why can't I do this one thing for them?"

They were still so young and missed out on a great HS experience because of me. Didn't mention this in my post but my mom had cancer (she's all better now!) at the time and they had to deal with that while dealing with me lol. I feel REALLY bad for them all the time and I feel like me being there didn't make things any better for them; thats mainly why I speak so harshly of myself.

I'm trying to realize that we were all children, going thru stuff, and putting it all behind me; but it's kinda hard when thats what I've based my entire self-worth and identity on, my childhood.


Thank you for taking the time to reply to my little rant, I really appreciate it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeahhhh, I feel bad for my sisters all the time, lol.

We still argue about it sometimes, making me feel bad because they had to do certain things for them, so "why can't I do this one thing for them?"

They were still so young and missed out on a great HS experience because of me. Didn't mention this in my post but my mom had cancer (she's all better now!) at the time and they had to deal with that while dealing with me lol. I feel REALLY bad for them all the time and I feel like me being there didn't make things any better for them; thats mainly why I speak so harshly of myself.

I'm trying to realize that we were all children, going thru stuff, and putting it all behind me; but it's kinda hard when thats what I've based my entire self-worth and identity on, my childhood.


Thank you for taking the time to reply to my little rant, I really appreciate it.

I do understand why you would feel like you do but I think you do need to try and bring logic into it. It wasn't your fault you were born. It wasn't your fault that you were a child with needs. It wasn't your fault that your sisters were the only ones that could fulfill those needs at the time.

I'm sorry about your Mum but I'm glad she's better now. Obviously- it wasn't her fault either. It was just really unfortunate for all of you.

Hmm- so- is it kind of emotional blackmail with your sisters? We did all this for you- so- now it's your turn- type of thing? That doesn't sound fun.

 

[someguy404]

I do understand why you would feel like you do but I think you do need to try and bring logic into it. It wasn't your fault you were born. It wasn't your fault that you were a child with needs. It wasn't your fault that your sisters were the only ones that could fulfill those needs at the time.

I'm sorry about your Mum but I'm glad she's better now. Obviously- it wasn't her fault either. It was just really unfortunate for all of you.

Hmm- so- is it kind of emotional blackmail with your sisters? We did all this for you- so- now it's your turn- type of thing? That doesn't sound fun.

I guess it's sorta emotional blackmail, but truly, I think it's fine; they're getting out all their anger now, and I do not blame them for that. Hell, I'd be mad too
It's a very shitty situation to be living in

I know it wasn't my fault I was born; it's a clear thing in my mind, I'm just upset I couldn't minimize the needs my sisters had to deal with for me at that time and I'm doing the best I can to make up for them now.

It's not my fault, but I always feel like I could've done smth more, yk?
Also, thank you for the sympathy for my mom, she's very strong.