sadlyexisting
I don't know who I am anymore.
- Jun 26, 2023
- 110
So, it's been a long while since I last posted something on this site. And I must say that my life had been at least a little better over this period of time, I even managed to get myself a loving partner, even though it's probably important to mention that we are long distance.
In these recent few weeks everything started going down hill again though. I lost a few friends, my suicidality has been through the roof and the friends I have left keep always leaving me out, to that I already don't have Wi-Fi for an entire week now. So I can't really distract myself at all, either.
Even my partner is getting colder and colder with me. I don't even know if I can believe he loves me anymore. We talked about that situation a lot in these recent days, and he basically said into my face that he can't commit himself to someone like me, since there's always the risk I might kill myself. Honestly, I can't blame him for that, I completely understand it, but those words still hurt me a lot.
It makes me think that it's just a matter of time till we break up, because I can't really change my suicidal ideations, just like he can't change being not able to commit himself to me. And just thinking about it breaks me, while he seems so cold with just everything. I truly can't get it.
He has a lot of struggles in his life as well, which I do respect, and I try to give him as much space as he possibly needs. It's just sometimes we don't talk for an entire day and I just sit here with my own thoughts, having no one besides him to talk to. It breaks me, since my emotions are heavily dependent on what he does. Just two days ago I had 4 panic attacks in the span of 6 hours (some related to that situations and some not) and I didn't message him since I feel like I am just bothering him. I just sat there, completely alone, waiting for him to maybe message me, which he didn't.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I know why he is the way he is and that it's not his fault, but it's destroying me inside out. We talked about it multiple times, and we do understand each other, it just seems like we both are unable to change.
I am genuinely at the end now, especially because I have no methods available to get out of this shit, I am just forced to endure everything of this.
Thank you for reading all that. And I would really appreciate if someone would be open to talking to me, I really don't have anyone to talk to at the moment, just message me. Thanks a lot.
In these recent few weeks everything started going down hill again though. I lost a few friends, my suicidality has been through the roof and the friends I have left keep always leaving me out, to that I already don't have Wi-Fi for an entire week now. So I can't really distract myself at all, either.
Even my partner is getting colder and colder with me. I don't even know if I can believe he loves me anymore. We talked about that situation a lot in these recent days, and he basically said into my face that he can't commit himself to someone like me, since there's always the risk I might kill myself. Honestly, I can't blame him for that, I completely understand it, but those words still hurt me a lot.
It makes me think that it's just a matter of time till we break up, because I can't really change my suicidal ideations, just like he can't change being not able to commit himself to me. And just thinking about it breaks me, while he seems so cold with just everything. I truly can't get it.
He has a lot of struggles in his life as well, which I do respect, and I try to give him as much space as he possibly needs. It's just sometimes we don't talk for an entire day and I just sit here with my own thoughts, having no one besides him to talk to. It breaks me, since my emotions are heavily dependent on what he does. Just two days ago I had 4 panic attacks in the span of 6 hours (some related to that situations and some not) and I didn't message him since I feel like I am just bothering him. I just sat there, completely alone, waiting for him to maybe message me, which he didn't.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I know why he is the way he is and that it's not his fault, but it's destroying me inside out. We talked about it multiple times, and we do understand each other, it just seems like we both are unable to change.
I am genuinely at the end now, especially because I have no methods available to get out of this shit, I am just forced to endure everything of this.
Thank you for reading all that. And I would really appreciate if someone would be open to talking to me, I really don't have anyone to talk to at the moment, just message me. Thanks a lot.
