Venting Being punished for seeking out help

[Thisgirlwantstosleep]

I recently saw crisis workers who came to my house, because I've been feeling extremely suicidal for some months now, and one of them said to, "People that want to kill themselves just do it, so why didn't you do it?".

Every time I talk to these people it feels like I'm being challenged—dared almost.

It feels like every time I reach out for help in being mocked in one way or another, because if I wanted to kill myself, I'd be dead, or planning to be promptly dead, not talking to people on the phone. And as such, it means I'm not serious and they don't need to worry (not that they ever worry; it's just that someone dying under their care is a lot of liability and paperwork, and who wants to deal with that?).

A lot of people think they do not matter, not many can say that that is the case definitively. I've been iced out from seeking help and even when I do no one ever cares or understands what's going on with me.

This needs to be the last year for me. I've been debating and debating and debating, thinking and thinking and thinking, and I've to the conclusion that I genuinely do not have anything to live for. I never have. So far I've been living in the hope that I'd eventually have something to truly live for and it's honestly never coming.

I think I've made my peace with dying now. I hope to be gone before winter starts.

 

[plan c]

I'm sorry to hear u have suffered a mental breakdown and to know that u had to come to this point.

I don't have much of a pleasant experience with crisis workers. In fact most of them are under-trained and are more just random student volunteers than professionals.

The person talking to u was probably trying to ask for your reason to hang on despite wishing to kill urself. He/she 's done an awful job on that, and I feel so hurt seeing what he/she said myself.

And perhaps u don't have to refrain from seeking help too early. There could be amateurs or ignorant ppl doing everything wrong when they're supposed to help u, but they don't stand for all ppl u can reach out to.

I believe there can be some ppl u can trust on the forum. I know u would very likely agree with me on that, cuz that's perhaps why u post the thread here.

It's a good thing that u've made peace with death. To me that's what everyone has to do, regardless of whether considering to ctb or not. I'm terrible at this making-peace-with-death debate myself. As a result I often swing back and forth between being too scared of dyinf and having an impulse to immediately kill myself. I think it would be nice if I have ur determination on this.

I wish u all the best on this side or the other, and hope u would find everything u live or die for.

 

[fatladysings]

I recently saw crisis workers who came to my house, because I've been feeling extremely suicidal for some months now, and one of them said to, "People that want to kill themselves just do it, so why didn't you do it?".

Every time I talk to these people it feels like I'm being challenged—dared almost.

It feels like every time I reach out for help in being mocked in one way or another, because if I wanted to kill myself, I'd be dead, or planning to be promptly dead, not talking to people on the phone. And as such, it means I'm not serious and they don't need to worry (not that they ever worry; it's just that someone dying under their care is a lot of liability and paperwork, and who wants to deal with that?).

A lot of people think they do not matter, not many can say that that is the case definitively. I've been iced out from seeking help and even when I do no one ever cares or understands what's going on with me.

This needs to be the last year for me. I've been debating and debating and debating, thinking and thinking and thinking, and I've to the conclusion that I genuinely do not have anything to live for. I never have. So far I've been living in the hope that I'd eventually have something to truly live for and it's honestly never coming.

I think I've made my peace with dying now. I hope to be gone before winter starts.

I can't believe a crisis worker actually said that to you, that is awful. I think you could think about reporting them to their manager, they are completely out of line. It's dangerous to have someone like that in that kind of a job.

I've found in my experience that a lot of mental health workers are not very helpful, at best. Even psychiatrists aren't all that helpful. The only thing that has ever helped with my MH problems is medication.

You sound like you once had hope and now it's gone - was there something that you were waiting to have happen that never happened and, if yes, what was it?

 

[FuneralCry]

To me that truly is cruel, but anyway I wish you all the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[pain6batch9]

I hate it when people challenge it by saying things like, 'if you really wanted to die, you just would... etc.' That's totally missing the point. I always reply with the idea that people are quite capable of holding two different opinions on the same subject. I want the pain to end so, I'm checking out altogether, vs, I want the pain to end so help me. The problem is modern society sees everything as a binary choice. That comes from above. Many of these so called 'professionals' have never lived in the real world and so are completely oblivious to the grey areas that exist for the rest of us.

 

[Thisgirlwantstosleep]

You sound like you once had hope and now it's gone - was there something that you were waiting to have happen that never happened and, if yes, what was it?

My hope was that one day things would be better, or one day I'd have something to live for, which was never going to happen.

There's so much that has happened and so much going on that I just don't want to deal with. I don't have the strength, I don't have the stamina and I don't have the care anymore.

I appreciate your comment however.

I hate it when people challenge it by saying things like, 'if you really wanted to die, you just would... etc.' That's totally missing the point. I always reply with the idea that people are quite capable of holding two different opinions on the same subject. I want the pain to end so, I'm checking out altogether, vs, I want the pain to end so help me. The problem is modern society sees everything as a binary choice. That comes from above. Many of these so called 'professionals' have never lived in the real world and so are completely oblivious to the grey areas that exist for the rest of us.

Yes, I think they ultimately see it as cowardice but they don't understand the reason why I struggle to do it is the same reason they don't want to kill themselves at all.

I desperately want to get away from my reality and my issues, that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to my death either. I have no idea what happens next or what the process of dying is like, not to mention that whilst I hate my life I do have a, level of care towards myself.

It's simply not that simple

 

[uglyugly]

That "crisis worker" needs a new job... now. They clearly have no idea what they are doing. There's a huge difference between challenging someone to kill themselves and genuinely hearing the person when they say they are in that much pain. Disgusting behavior. I'm really sorry that happened to you. I wish you the best no matter what path you take.

 

[cosmic-freedom]

I am sorry that you had to listen to that of all things.Most people only put on a "show" of empathy to validate their so called humanity,while just trying to fan their own ego.They base right and wrong based on what makes them feel most validated by the people around them,rather than what conscience tells them.
I have lost faith in this braindead species a long time ago.

 

[fatladysings]

My hope was that one day things would be better, or one day I'd have something to live for, which was never going to happen.

There's so much that has happened and so much going on that I just don't want to deal with. I don't have the strength, I don't have the stamina and I don't have the care anymore.

I appreciate your comment however.

Yes, I think they ultimately see it as cowardice but they don't understand the reason why I struggle to do it is the same reason they don't want to kill themselves at all.

I desperately want to get away from my reality and my issues, that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to my death either. I have no idea what happens next or what the process of dying is like, not to mention that whilst I hate my life I do have a, level of care towards myself.

It's simply not that simple

Do you have any family members or close friends that could be your something-to-live-for? I'm currently staying alive for my mum ( but once she's gone then I'll hopefully ctb). Is there anybody who wouldn't manage too well if you weren't around any more? I just think it's a terrible shame that you are wanting to ctb because of what one idiot said to you but it sounds like you had plenty of problems before that stupid crisis worker opened their mouth.

It's completely normal to want to escape from all your problems but, at the same time, to be hesitant about dying. You don't have to be 100% suicidal, you can be 70% or 40%, but it doesn't change the fact that you are suicidal. It's good that you have a level of care towards yourself.

Not wanting to ctb is not cowardice, you are not a coward.

 

[Thisgirlwantstosleep]

Do you have any family members or close friends that could be your something-to-live-for?

I don't have any friends, never really have, and my relationship with my family is turbulent.

I'm currently staying alive for my mum ( but once she's gone then I'll hopefully ctb). Is there anybody who wouldn't manage too well if you weren't around any more?

No, I have no one. My family would be upset which I know sounds oxymoronic but I think that's typical irrespective of any prior relationship. As it stands I'm a burden and they let me know every day.

I just think it's a terrible shame that you are wanting to ctb because of what one idiot said to you but it sounds like you had plenty of problems before that stupid crisis worker opened their mouth.

Yes, it's not just them. That situation has made it worse though because now I know I can't seek help from anywhere.

It really messed with my head because they don't care when you're alive because they just see you as an attention seeker but then they also don't care when you're dead and absolve themselves of all responsibility by saying you were crazy anyway and were always going to do that.

I hate this reality.

 

[Marine]

I recently saw crisis workers who came to my house, because I've been feeling extremely suicidal for some months now, and one of them said to, "People that want to kill themselves just do it, so why didn't you do it?".

Every time I talk to these people it feels like I'm being challenged—dared almost.

It feels like every time I reach out for help in being mocked in one way or another, because if I wanted to kill myself, I'd be dead, or planning to be promptly dead, not talking to people on the phone. And as such, it means I'm not serious and they don't need to worry (not that they ever worry; it's just that someone dying under their care is a lot of liability and paperwork, and who wants to deal with that?).

A lot of people think they do not matter, not many can say that that is the case definitively. I've been iced out from seeking help and even when I do no one ever cares or understands what's going on with me.

This needs to be the last year for me. I've been debating and debating and debating, thinking and thinking and thinking, and I've to the conclusion that I genuinely do not have anything to live for. I never have. So far I've been living in the hope that I'd eventually have something to truly live for and it's honestly never coming.

I think I've made my peace with dying now. I hope to be gone before winter starts.

Ask them to try it to see if it goes that easily. Spoiler : it doesn't.

Here is an example of someone who tried very hard to kill herself going to extreme lengths according to medical professionals themselves and still failed because humans don't necessarily die easily actually. Especially if you don't want to add further suffering to the one you're in, which is the whole point of dying in the first place unlike what dumb dehumanized freaks assume.

Newsflash : no, non psychopaths aren't ok just cutting random holes in themselves until it's fatal, drinking all of the bleach around the house or throwing themselves under any vehicle, that's just called not being a psychopath, not not being suicidal, very different. Integrity # Life.

I'm sorry you had to deal with brain dead moronic robots, unfortunately that's most of social and medical workers nowadays, especially in psychology and psychiatry. The opposite of what it should be but this system was never created to help anyone, so I would strongly recommend against it.

Unfortunately many people are cowards and refuse to look at the truth of suffering because they can't handle it. We need to change such a doomed society to get anywhere in the future.

But real human beings do exist, some of which are here, so I really hope you find help and support at least on this forum, and if possible outside of it as well, regardless of what you chose to do.

 

[fatladysings]

I don't have any friends, never really have, and my relationship with my family is turbulent.

No, I have no one. My family would be upset which I know sounds oxymoronic but I think that's typical irrespective of any prior relationship. As it stands I'm a burden and they let me know every day.

Yes, it's not just them. That situation has made it worse though because now I know I can't seek help from anywhere.

It really messed with my head because they don't care when you're alive because they just see you as an attention seeker but then they also don't care when you're dead and absolve themselves of all responsibility by saying you were crazy anyway and were always going to do that.

I hate this reality.

It's hard going through life without any friends, you must feel very isolated. I have some friends but none of them know I'm suicidal and that makes me feel isolated, but I'm glad I have the friends anyway, even if I'm keeping a rather large secret from them. I hope you feel that you have some friends in this forum. Forum friends aren't quite as good as real life friends but they're the next best thing. Maybe this forum is somewhere you can come to when you are having difficulties with your family - nobody in here would consider you a burden the way your family does.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'll give that "crisis worker" the benefit of the doubt and assume they're just not the best at articulating the point they were trying to convey - that you should do some serious introspection whether you truly want to die and, hopefully, in their mind, come up with some reasons why you shouldn't. They were, at least, very clumsy in the way they talked to you and definitely need some refresher training. It doesn't matter what anyone tells you, or tries to suggest to you - only you will be able to decide what's best for you, and when enough is actually enough. In an event, I hope you can find peace in your life and whatever decision you end up making for yourself.