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Thisgirlwantstosleep
A pointless life had in a pointless world
- Mar 11, 2019
- 134
I recently saw crisis workers who came to my house, because I've been feeling extremely suicidal for some months now, and one of them said to, "People that want to kill themselves just do it, so why didn't you do it?".
Every time I talk to these people it feels like I'm being challenged—dared almost.
It feels like every time I reach out for help in being mocked in one way or another, because if I wanted to kill myself, I'd be dead, or planning to be promptly dead, not talking to people on the phone. And as such, it means I'm not serious and they don't need to worry (not that they ever worry; it's just that someone dying under their care is a lot of liability and paperwork, and who wants to deal with that?).
A lot of people think they do not matter, not many can say that that is the case definitively. I've been iced out from seeking help and even when I do no one ever cares or understands what's going on with me.
This needs to be the last year for me. I've been debating and debating and debating, thinking and thinking and thinking, and I've to the conclusion that I genuinely do not have anything to live for. I never have. So far I've been living in the hope that I'd eventually have something to truly live for and it's honestly never coming.
I think I've made my peace with dying now. I hope to be gone before winter starts.
Every time I talk to these people it feels like I'm being challenged—dared almost.
It feels like every time I reach out for help in being mocked in one way or another, because if I wanted to kill myself, I'd be dead, or planning to be promptly dead, not talking to people on the phone. And as such, it means I'm not serious and they don't need to worry (not that they ever worry; it's just that someone dying under their care is a lot of liability and paperwork, and who wants to deal with that?).
A lot of people think they do not matter, not many can say that that is the case definitively. I've been iced out from seeking help and even when I do no one ever cares or understands what's going on with me.
This needs to be the last year for me. I've been debating and debating and debating, thinking and thinking and thinking, and I've to the conclusion that I genuinely do not have anything to live for. I never have. So far I've been living in the hope that I'd eventually have something to truly live for and it's honestly never coming.
I think I've made my peace with dying now. I hope to be gone before winter starts.