Venting Being on my 20th edit for my suicide note, I am starting to wonder if people deserve to hear my story.

[wordsonscreen]

I'm not sure they do. People did not show up in my lifetime, what is the point in knowing me when I am dead?

I also think this is my apathy and anger speaking. I'm seeing my light die with each day and my disgust with the world growing. I have been a very soft and compassionate person. I just cannot continue to be that in a world that has watched me bleed out. Part of me wants to leave a very angry note. Part of me wants to delete everything and take SN on an island where no one will find my body- to just leave everyone wondering and be a real dick about it. How did people let all this happen to me? what the actual fuck. I asked for help so many times!! I tried so much :( I really did.

Like, I am RIGHT HERE. I am still here. I have been VERY honest about what is happening in my life with many people. There is no point grieving a dead girl when she died while she still had a fucking body and people just let it happen. Is it only bad enough AFTER we are dead? Should people not celebrate us finding relief finally? Grieve me now. I am in pain now. No point in caring after.

A part of me wants the people who have harmed to feel what I feel. I want them to hurt too. What is the point of anyone caring later? We are all in pain for unique reasons. And everyone that let us suffer when they could have helped has blood on their hands. When a single child in a community dies of starvation while everyone else ate, each person in that community is blameworthy. We all have a certain responsibility to care- to give a shit. Because THIS is what happens when people do not- we end up needing to find corners of the internet to buy SN from. And even then we are blamed for it- we are supposedly the sick ones. We are not given relief and when we find one way to have some freedom, we are ostracized for it during life and even after our life. This is so warped. Sorry for such strong language but I feel so disgusted by our society.

I have spent the last few weeks going over my entire life- all the music, pictures, memories... it has been pretty fucked up. I've gone through some REALLY fucked up horror movie shit and still STILL in my last days I am thinking about others- trying to mitigate harm to them, when they just hurt me and watched me get hurt. wtf. I think I want to write this in my note that I no longer think they deserve my story but I am sharing to honor the loving, kind, gentle soul I had. I feel like a shell now- hollow and just suffering in each moment. I feel like my soul has already left me- something essential about me died already, I just need to lay my body to rest with it. All the poison of the world finally got to me. yay.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

To speak so passionately, even if filled with hurt, your soul cannot have left you.
Write the angriest fucking note and letters you need. Get everything out. Whether they are your final drafts to be shared or not, don't worry for now. But get out your anger for others now and say what you need to say so if and when you're ready to ctb you can use your energies for you. You deserve to feel some peace before taking that step.

 

[wordsonscreen]

To speak so passionately, even if filled with hurt, your soul cannot have left you.
Write the angriest fucking note and letters you need. Get everything out. Whether they are your final drafts to be shared or not, don't worry for now. But get out your anger for others now and say what you need to say so if and when you're ready to ctb you can use your energies for you. You deserve to feel some peace before taking that step.

I love you :( This made me cry. You're right ugh. I'm still here- but I am in so much pain, littlebabynothing. So you think it is okay to be angry in my notes? I'm not very comfortable with expressing anger- I've learned anger is bad. It feels like an ethical dilemma- I will be dead. It wont do anything for me except hurt others. I am trying to write kind loving soft notes but I no longer feel that way. I am so angry. And yet, you are correct. This is about me. I deserve some peace before I go. I should use my energy for me and not to comfort others. I guess the question is are the notes being written for me or others? If they are for me, then they will hurt others because people will be forced to see what they did. If they are for others, people will likely recover better and never know the reality fully. Maybe I can do a middle ground and add another section for my honesty/anger.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

Start raw, completely for you. Your eyes only and get out all you can. Angry is a horrible emotion and typically taints everything. Your beautiful soul wants to protect others from that but you're hurting yourself in doing that. Get that fucking anger out hun.
Then sleep on it, vent here, pm me. Then write again, and again or not. Just take your time and do what you need most in that moment. You've got your tickets and plan, so focus on you now. You've got this. And we're here with you

 

[wordsonscreen]

Start raw, completely for you. Your eyes only and get out all you can. Angry is a horrible emotion and typically taints everything. Your beautiful soul wants to protect others from that but you're hurting yourself in doing that. Get that fucking anger out hun.
Then sleep on it, vent here, pm me. Then write again, and again or not. Just take your time and do what you need most in that moment. You've got your tickets and plan, so focus on you now. You've got this. And we're here with you

I genuinely appreciate you so fucking much. Thank you. This is a good plan. I will do this :) Thank you for guiding me and supporting me!! <3 I am lucky.

 

[Spiral]

I'm not sure they do. People did not show up in my lifetime, what is the point in knowing me when I am dead?

I also think this is my apathy and anger speaking. I'm seeing my light die with each day and my disgust with the world growing. I have been a very soft and compassionate person. I just cannot continue to be that in a world that has watched me bleed out. Part of me wants to leave a very angry note. Part of me wants to delete everything and take SN on an island where no one will find my body- to just leave everyone wondering and be a real dick about it. How did people let all this happen to me? what the actual fuck. I asked for help so many times!! I tried so much :( I really did.

Like, I am RIGHT HERE. I am still here. I have been VERY honest about what is happening in my life with many people. There is no point grieving a dead girl when she died while she still had a fucking body and people just let it happen. Is it only bad enough AFTER we are dead? Should people not celebrate us finding relief finally? Grieve me now. I am in pain now. No point in caring after.

A part of me wants the people who have harmed to feel what I feel. I want them to hurt too. What is the point of anyone caring later? We are all in pain for unique reasons. And everyone that let us suffer when they could have helped has blood on their hands. When a single child in a community dies of starvation while everyone else ate, each person in that community is blameworthy. We all have a certain responsibility to care- to give a shit. Because THIS is what happens when people do not- we end up needing to find corners of the internet to buy SN from. And even then we are blamed for it- we are supposedly the sick ones. We are not given relief and when we find one way to have some freedom, we are ostracized for it during life and even after our life. This is so warped. Sorry for such strong language but I feel so disgusted by our society.

I have spent the last few weeks going over my entire life- all the music, pictures, memories... it has been pretty fucked up. I've gone through some REALLY fucked up horror movie shit and still STILL in my last days I am thinking about others- trying to mitigate harm to them, when they just hurt me and watched me get hurt. wtf. I think I want to write this in my note that I no longer think they deserve my story but I am sharing to honor the loving, kind, gentle soul I had. I feel like a shell now- hollow and just suffering in each moment. I feel like my soul has already left me- something essential about me died already, I just need to lay my body to rest with it. All the poison of the world finally got to me. yay.

*standing ovation*
You speak the truth <3 and with such passion.
I agree with littlebabynothing. You need to let the truth of how you feel out, you deserve to be heard and you can certainly still do that and add your kind words as a side dish xx

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

I genuinely appreciate you so fucking much. Thank you. This is a good plan. I will do this :) Thank you for guiding me and supporting me!! <3 I am lucky.

As i'm writing it to you i realise it's what i need to do for myself. My writing is still too censored to protect others. That's no good for me.
i like reading your posts, it's in my interests to keep you venting here longer

 

[wordsonscreen]

As i'm writing it to you i realise it's what i need to do for myself. My writing is still too censored to protect others. That's no good for me.
i like reading your posts, it's in my interests to keep you venting here longer

hehe okay, fine. Thank you for your honesty. It feels odd to want to protect others even though we have been hurt so much. And then there are people who really have no desire to do any good- people that are very comfortable with hurting others. I'd love to read some of your writing! You always always welcome to share with me :) a friend I met on here is also working on their notes and we found an anon version of google docs to share our notes with each other during the editing process. We have a suicide writing group haha

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

hehe okay, fine. Thank you for your honesty. It feels odd to want to protect others even though we have been hurt so much. And then there are people who really have no desire to do any good- people that are very comfortable with hurting others. I'd love to read some of your writing! You always always welcome to share with me :) a friend I met on here is also working on their notes and we found an anon version of google docs to share our notes with each other during the editing process. We have a suicide writing group haha

i love this!! Meds are kicking in tonight but will pm you tomorrow about writings...
Remember being angry is normal, how we act on it is what makes the difference. Writing is a safe place to get that anger out. You really do deserve to not have it overrule you, we all do.

 

[wordsonscreen]

i love this!! Meds are kicking in tonight but will pm you tomorrow about writings...
Remember being angry is normal, how we act on it is what makes the difference. Writing is a safe place to get that anger out. You really do deserve to not have it overrule you, we all do.

Thank you for this much needed reminder. pm me whenever :)

 

[mini_weeny]

I'm not sure they do. People did not show up in my lifetime, what is the point in knowing me when I am dead?

I also think this is my apathy and anger speaking. I'm seeing my light die with each day and my disgust with the world growing. I have been a very soft and compassionate person. I just cannot continue to be that in a world that has watched me bleed out. Part of me wants to leave a very angry note. Part of me wants to delete everything and take SN on an island where no one will find my body- to just leave everyone wondering and be a real dick about it. How did people let all this happen to me? what the actual fuck. I asked for help so many times!! I tried so much :( I really did.

Like, I am RIGHT HERE. I am still here. I have been VERY honest about what is happening in my life with many people. There is no point grieving a dead girl when she died while she still had a fucking body and people just let it happen. Is it only bad enough AFTER we are dead? Should people not celebrate us finding relief finally? Grieve me now. I am in pain now. No point in caring after.

A part of me wants the people who have harmed to feel what I feel. I want them to hurt too. What is the point of anyone caring later? We are all in pain for unique reasons. And everyone that let us suffer when they could have helped has blood on their hands. When a single child in a community dies of starvation while everyone else ate, each person in that community is blameworthy. We all have a certain responsibility to care- to give a shit. Because THIS is what happens when people do not- we end up needing to find corners of the internet to buy SN from. And even then we are blamed for it- we are supposedly the sick ones. We are not given relief and when we find one way to have some freedom, we are ostracized for it during life and even after our life. This is so warped. Sorry for such strong language but I feel so disgusted by our society.

I have spent the last few weeks going over my entire life- all the music, pictures, memories... it has been pretty fucked up. I've gone through some REALLY fucked up horror movie shit and still STILL in my last days I am thinking about others- trying to mitigate harm to them, when they just hurt me and watched me get hurt. wtf. I think I want to write this in my note that I no longer think they deserve my story but I am sharing to honor the loving, kind, gentle soul I had. I feel like a shell now- hollow and just suffering in each moment. I feel like my soul has already left me- something essential about me died already, I just need to lay my body to rest with it. All the poison of the world finally got to me. yay.

Wow this resonates so strongly with the way I feel right now. My S note does say my family were jerks, if I day they will forget about me pretty quick but they deserve to be called out for what they are, un emphatic assholes that wouldn't send me a single message in months even when they knew I was going through hell, so I say leave a note with all those feelings in it. Maybe, just maybe they will change a bit for the better. I think a kind soul like yours deserved positive ppl, the kind of ppl that are happy when good things happened to you, that are happy when you grow. It's unfair that you are here now in this forum like many of us maybe just wondering how the hell did things got so bad, it saddens me :(

 

[Nicothe13th]

I'm keeping mine loving and brief.

I think in their heart of hearts my family know all to well how bad I really was suffering and the news of my death hopefully won't come as to much of a surprise.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Wow this resonates so strongly with the way I feel right now. My S note does say my family were jerks, if I day they will forget about me pretty quick but they deserve to be called out for what they are, un emphatic assholes that wouldn't send me a single message in months even when they knew I was going through hell, so I say leave a note with all those feelings in it. Maybe, just maybe they will change a bit for the better. I think a kind soul like yours deserved positive ppl, the kind of ppl that are happy when good things happened to you, that are happy when you grow. It's unfair that you are here now in this forum like many of us maybe just wondering how the hell did things got so bad, it saddens me :(

I want to hug you! I am sorry too. We all deserved better.. I am so far away from the kindness I give to others. I've never really had that and I have been grieving it a lot over the last few months. Yeah, how the hell did we end up here. what the actual fuck.

Honestly, what @LittleBabyNothing said resonates a lot with me and I would recommend you try those suggestions too. We deserve to go out however tf we want :)