Being happy is almost worse

[MisterOGBongWater]

Since its not a constant state, any glimpse of it, and an escape from this torment gets absolutely ruined and the torment comes back tenfold when things get scary.
im tired of feeling alone

the only feeling of safety i can run to is a gun

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I know what you mean, I felt like that yesterday after I spent a day with a loving person that I know will get tired of me very soon.
A happy day with someone makes me feel guilty of fooling myself with something that is not at my reach. With the awareness that once I get back to my normal status of a rejected person I will feel worse than before.

The person also tried to convince me to seek psychological help to step out of my introversion and isolation. But I really don't want that others look into my soul, realize that I harbor feelings of suicide, restrain my freedoms and treat me even more as a psycho.

 

[kunikuzushi]

agreed. it's so exhausting getting a break from this torture and then realizing again that this is reality and "happiness" is only meaningless fleeting moments

 

[Neowise]

I believe in the physical principle "actio = reactio" meaning that any action results in an equally strong reaction.
Every time I am in a phase where I have a better mood or get naive enough to think "hey, today life isn't too bad" I know that soon I will be hit with full depression to make up for it. And it happens every time, like a physical law.

 

[coolgal82]

the worst part is when you can feel it leaving and are just like desperately clawing at it and begging it to stay. but then you just kinda accept that nope its gone again.