Hello SS - new to the forum. I am 40 years old, and have been suffering from major depression and anxiety since at least my teenage years. Since my mid-20s, I have suffered from chronic headaches, which have no medical solution. I recently survived an attempt. Along with these conditions, I suffer from complex PTSD. Every painful experience I have ever had - small or big, recent or years ago - replays itself in my head again and again. I live my life in a constant state of reliving and attempting to rewrite those experiences in my head. It is constant suffering.
There aren't very many people in my life, but there are 2 people who are attached to me - husband and mother. After my recent attempt, my husband engineered for my mother to live with us so that I am under supervision all/most of the time. I have tried to explain to them my pro-choice stance, and have tried to show them how much legitimate pain I am in, and the fact that my pain has been treatment resistant. Despite all my efforts, they are unbearably pro-life. They refuse to hear. They just want me to live, like living is the only priority, even if it's a life lived in pain.
My mother believes that my problems are self-inflicted, and wants me to change the way I think / snap out of it. She has also put it into my head that if I commit suicide, God will punish me and send me to hell, i.e. eternal suffering.
My husband wants me to get help, i.e. psychiatry and therapy, and gets angry and lashes out when I point out that I have been getting help for years, and it has not helped.
I feel for them. I know they are trying to keep me alive. Despite the difficulties in my relationship with each of them, they are afraid of losing me. Simultaneously, I am in pain all the time, and I have lost faith in the "treatment" modern mental health care has to offer.
I think about death/dying/ctb all the time. The idea of living another 40 to 45 years in order to die naturally feels terribly overwhelming/intolerable. I hurt all the time, and I feel like I am being forced to live by these pro-lifers.
There aren't very many people in my life, but there are 2 people who are attached to me - husband and mother. After my recent attempt, my husband engineered for my mother to live with us so that I am under supervision all/most of the time. I have tried to explain to them my pro-choice stance, and have tried to show them how much legitimate pain I am in, and the fact that my pain has been treatment resistant. Despite all my efforts, they are unbearably pro-life. They refuse to hear. They just want me to live, like living is the only priority, even if it's a life lived in pain.
My mother believes that my problems are self-inflicted, and wants me to change the way I think / snap out of it. She has also put it into my head that if I commit suicide, God will punish me and send me to hell, i.e. eternal suffering.
My husband wants me to get help, i.e. psychiatry and therapy, and gets angry and lashes out when I point out that I have been getting help for years, and it has not helped.
I feel for them. I know they are trying to keep me alive. Despite the difficulties in my relationship with each of them, they are afraid of losing me. Simultaneously, I am in pain all the time, and I have lost faith in the "treatment" modern mental health care has to offer.
I think about death/dying/ctb all the time. The idea of living another 40 to 45 years in order to die naturally feels terribly overwhelming/intolerable. I hurt all the time, and I feel like I am being forced to live by these pro-lifers.
