Being Divorced and I am so utterly devastated

[Mace66]

I have a question. I am about to be 55 years old. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. My life is more than half over. I have been married for 31 years.
My wife who is largely responsible for helping me stay alive has abandoned me and is now divorcing me. I feel so alone. I am in agony. My best friend is gone forever.

I have attempted suicide twice since she left. Hanging with alcohol and Xanax (was found unconscious and blue in the face and rescued because i sent a suicide text and my rope knot slipped from the rafters) and sitting in a closed garage with two cars running (took too long and I dialed the suicide hotline who called the police).

I am not sure how much of my intense desire to CTB is grief and how much of my desire is just ordinary depression. I cannot tell the difference. I have cried everyday for almost five months in a row now. I lost my access to Xanax. I have been hospitalized twice.

I am off all antidepressants at the moment. I accidentally quit one of them (cold turkey) a week before the hanging and they took me off the other one (cold turkey) while I was in the hospital because there were no beds in the psych ward. Man did I suffer! I was under 24/7 watch and banging my head on the sink in the bathroom.

I still want to CTB but without Xanax all I can think of is jumping. I am afraid. My ideal way to go would be a massive heroin overdose But I have no idea where I can attain it nor have I ever done anything accept take pills that were prescribed to me. How does one use a drug like that if you have never done it or even seen it done except in the movies?

Does anyone have any advise for me?
My support system is gone.
I refused additional antidepressants and they were forced to release me.
I could go jump but I am scared.
i have no access to firearms anymore

This is my first post and just found this site yesterday.

 

[NextSummer]

Mate I can understand the pain of getting divorced after such a long time and not wanting to live. But rushing things won't help. If you have the chance to be at your own home, go to work, talk to friends and walk around in nature, you should do it. You just found this website yesterday... You need time to recover from your divorce. If not, you will still need time to read about the different suicide methods.

 

[ARW3N]

I personally knew someone who separated who killed himself. Humans are social pack animals and it's been known for a long-time that those who are socially isolated such as divorcees and widows are most at risk from suicide. Human beings simply don't handle social isolation very well at all. The question I would like to ask you is whether you were depressed during your marriage or after your wife left you. It's also not entirely clear why your wife left you. I'm not being intrusive but trying to figure out whether your wife left you because of your mental health issues or some other reason.

 

[k75]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can tell you're drowning in your emotions right now. I know it's hard, but I really think you need to slow down before you do some serious harm to yourself. This isn't something you should rush into.

The first thing you need to do is what you've already said: untangle grief from depression. You need to figure out what you really want. Is there any chance you can recover from this?

And you should at least take the time to read through the resources here and do some research. Educate yourself on what you can and shouldn't do.

You can always just talk, too. There are always plenty of people here who don't mind listening and offering support.

 

[Mace66]

I am in my car right now. I took a few practice runs at a commercial buildings brick wall at 70mph.
My family is out looking for me because they know I am in the middle of a mental crisis. I think they are going to have me committed against my will. I am so scared!!!

My wife left me due to my depression. I was drinking for a few days straight after being laid off from my 10 year job. I was the only person to not get severance pay because I refused to stay for a 4th consecutive month. They kept changing their minds about laying me off four months in a row and I had another job lined up waiting for me for 6 weeks at this point.
I told my wife after drinking a few days in a row that I was going to CTB in the next day or two. Her response was to call the police and later to pack and leave me.
That was the first of three hospitalizations last year.

I have no access to guns because they took them all. No Xanax so now I cannot relieve my anxiety. I am out driving and looking for a tall bridge at the moment.
I am really in trouble here.

 

[Egddios]

I am in my car right now. I took a few practice runs at a commercial buildings brick wall at 70mph.
My family is out looking for me because they know I am in the middle of a mental crisis. I think they are going to have me committed against my will. I am so scared!!!

My wife left me due to my depression. I was drinking for a few days straight after being laid off from my 10 year job. I was the only person to not get severance pay because I refused to stay for a 4th consecutive month. They kept changing their minds about laying me off four months in a row and I had another job lined up waiting for me for 6 weeks at this point.
I told my wife after drinking a few days in a row that I was going to CTB in the next day or two. Her response was to call the police and later to pack and leave me.
That was the first of three hospitalizations last year.

I have no access to guns because they took them all. No Xanax so now I cannot relieve my anxiety. I am out driving and looking for a tall bridge at the moment.
I am really in trouble here.

I'm really sorry for what you're experiencing right now. I can empathize with that frantic feeling of wanting to end it NOW. My first attempt was impulsive, not planned out, and obviously failed.

I'm pulling for you either way.

 

[k75]

I'm really worried about you. Nothing about this feels rational or well planned, and that almost never ends well. Is there any way I could convince you to just take a few minutes to talk things out?

 

[Final Escape]

I don't know what I would do in this situation because I know exactly what u are feeling right now. Like there's no way to move forward it feels like. You're in a very bad head space and it would take some time to calm down out of this state. I'm not sure u should ctb right now. Just not long ago a guy stopped seeing me and I felt that same overwhelming crazy response where u have crushing heartache and can't sleep, I even opened my N bc I could not sleep for days. I really would hold off if u can till u are in a better mental state if it's possible. I know it's really really intense stress responses right now.

 

[Soul]

@Mace66, please keep talking with us. I'm sorry you've been struggling so and don't want you to do anything that could worsen your situation. Please be careful and take some time to rest and consider what to do. (((Hug)))

 

[134340]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I cannot even begin to imagine the grief you're feeling. I agree with other users who said that taking a moment to think would be beneficial for you, trying to ctb when you're feeling this desperate may not have the outcome you're hoping for. We're here for you. Sending you lots of hugs if you want them

 

[Mace66]

I think they are trying to locate me. I have blocked every contact on my phone. My phone has rang a few times with a no caller ID but I hang up, shut down my phone and drive/change locations.

I am going into Walmart after I turn off my phone this time to buy a a charcoal grill and charcoal. I am going to let it burn until the coals are white hot and then bring it into my car. That is my plan.
I cannot keep my phone on or they will find me. I drove 60 miles away from my house to get here. I do not think I will make it through the night. I hope not. I do not want to be committed. Thank you for the hugs! I am sorry that I am so weak and cannot do this anymore!

Turning off my phone again.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

I think they are trying to locate me. I have blocked every contact on my phone. My phone has rang a few times with a no caller ID but I hang up, shut down my phone and drive/change locations.

I am going into Walmart after I turn off my phone this time to buy a a charcoal grill and charcoal. I am going to let it burn until the coals are white hot and then bring it into my car. That is my plan.
I cannot keep my phone on or they will find me. I drove 60 miles away from my house to get here. I do not think I will make it through the night. I hope not. I do not want to be committed. Thank you for the hugs! I am sorry that I am so weak and cannot do this anymore!

Turning off my phone again.

You have nothing to apologize for. You are not weak - weak people do not endure for 55 years in the face of such adversity. I wish you peace and an easy transition.

 

[k75]

You have nothing to apologize for. It doesn't sound like you've done anything you can't come back from. Driving away is not a crime.

If you can just take a few minutes to clear your head, I think we can figure this out. Erratic behavior might get you committed. Being found with a grill in your car definitely will.

Calming down so you can speak rationally and convince people you're not in danger is what you want to do. I believe you're in crisis and not thinking clearly.

I'm concerned because you're rapid cycling among all the available methods, and you're not thinking any of it through. The co thing isn't as easy as it sounds. I've been reading threads about failed attempts at that lately.

I really wish you'd talk to us.

 

[Soul]

@k75 has said what I wanted to.
You don't have to rush this.
There are tricky aspects to the charcoal method - just for example:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-messed-up.21130/

I feel for you and want the best for you and taking the time to do things calmly can only help. (((Hugs)))