KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,682
I have lived with PTSD since I was 6 years old. Years of torment, of feeling dirty for being abused, for being negelected by my family and growing up with no parents, was pure hell. Every one told me that it would get better.
Having just reached the beginning stages of my 20s, I know those platitudes were a lie. I have spent over half my life in the mental health care system. Therapist after therapist. Drug after drug. I have been on nearly 20 different psychiatric medications throughout the course of my life and many of the treatments I tried hurt me rather than helped, but doctors gaslit me and acted like the side effects, which included me fainting, being unable to eat, and shaking all the time, weren't so bad.
I was misdiagnosed for many years with anxiety when I actually had autism, and not having any sort of assistance fucked me over so bad. I still have problems with speech. I had to live my life being bullied at every turn for a disability I cannot control. Autistic people are frequently discriminated against especially in employment and no one cares.
Despite suffering many instances of abuse (one of them coming from a doctor who ignored my lack of consent and scarred me for life) and being traumatised I kept trying to tell myself that somehow things could improve. Then at 17 I got ill and developed post viral complications, which is now full blown Chronic Fatigue syndrome.
I cannot understate how much pain I am in all of the time. I have gotten used to my limbs feeling heavy and having neuropathic pain everyday. Nothing helps. And I'm terrified to be around any medical professionals after they scarred me for life.
It has been 4 years now and my condition does not get better. I have developed IBS as well. I live with permanent brain fog and struggle to stay awake and focus. There is nothing more I can try. The world parades these performative fb posts about how your life matters and disabled people are valued but everything else shows me that isn't true. Everyday I fear what will happen when I graduate university and inevitably do not get employed because I cannot work 40 hrs.
Most of my family is dead and hardly anyone wants to be around me because they see my very existence as toxic, it contradicts their just world fallacy ridden views of life and that hard work can achieve anything. Hard work will not fix my broken body.
All I have is my partner who knows about my wishes to CBT and end my misery. He does not understand. I love him greatly but our relationship also causes both of us pain. He does not currently want to commit to me and make sure that I am able to survive since I cannot get disability benefits in this country. Everyday I feel like I am a burden and I ruined people's lives because I am always exhausted and cannot do much activity wise. My bf thinks I need to just "get over my ptsd" and then force myself to start going to doctors again. My ptsd isn't going away and I retraumatised myself doing that.
This is not a life worth living. I know my destiny is to CTB but everyone says I am foolish and life will change because I am only 21 years old. As long as my worth is determined by how much value I produce to an economy, and people don't want to be around be because they see my existence as toxic, my reality as false, because it is not sunshine and rainbows, I do not see anything changing.
I am scared for what happens post mortem. At the same time, my life has been hell on earth. I do not have the courage to exit yet, but everyday I pray that this nightmare will end and I can be at peace.
Having just reached the beginning stages of my 20s, I know those platitudes were a lie. I have spent over half my life in the mental health care system. Therapist after therapist. Drug after drug. I have been on nearly 20 different psychiatric medications throughout the course of my life and many of the treatments I tried hurt me rather than helped, but doctors gaslit me and acted like the side effects, which included me fainting, being unable to eat, and shaking all the time, weren't so bad.
I was misdiagnosed for many years with anxiety when I actually had autism, and not having any sort of assistance fucked me over so bad. I still have problems with speech. I had to live my life being bullied at every turn for a disability I cannot control. Autistic people are frequently discriminated against especially in employment and no one cares.
Despite suffering many instances of abuse (one of them coming from a doctor who ignored my lack of consent and scarred me for life) and being traumatised I kept trying to tell myself that somehow things could improve. Then at 17 I got ill and developed post viral complications, which is now full blown Chronic Fatigue syndrome.
I cannot understate how much pain I am in all of the time. I have gotten used to my limbs feeling heavy and having neuropathic pain everyday. Nothing helps. And I'm terrified to be around any medical professionals after they scarred me for life.
It has been 4 years now and my condition does not get better. I have developed IBS as well. I live with permanent brain fog and struggle to stay awake and focus. There is nothing more I can try. The world parades these performative fb posts about how your life matters and disabled people are valued but everything else shows me that isn't true. Everyday I fear what will happen when I graduate university and inevitably do not get employed because I cannot work 40 hrs.
Most of my family is dead and hardly anyone wants to be around me because they see my very existence as toxic, it contradicts their just world fallacy ridden views of life and that hard work can achieve anything. Hard work will not fix my broken body.
All I have is my partner who knows about my wishes to CBT and end my misery. He does not understand. I love him greatly but our relationship also causes both of us pain. He does not currently want to commit to me and make sure that I am able to survive since I cannot get disability benefits in this country. Everyday I feel like I am a burden and I ruined people's lives because I am always exhausted and cannot do much activity wise. My bf thinks I need to just "get over my ptsd" and then force myself to start going to doctors again. My ptsd isn't going away and I retraumatised myself doing that.
This is not a life worth living. I know my destiny is to CTB but everyone says I am foolish and life will change because I am only 21 years old. As long as my worth is determined by how much value I produce to an economy, and people don't want to be around be because they see my existence as toxic, my reality as false, because it is not sunshine and rainbows, I do not see anything changing.
I am scared for what happens post mortem. At the same time, my life has been hell on earth. I do not have the courage to exit yet, but everyday I pray that this nightmare will end and I can be at peace.