Venting Being an addict but living sober and being suicidal fucking sucks!

[KillingPain267]

Once you have felt artificial chemical happiness there is no going back. Because all you think about is using again. With nothing to live for or look forward to other than using it's fucking torture.

I feel alone because I am a sober addict but also suicidal. Other addicts who have overcome withdrawals are happy they survived and boast about how much healthier they feel.

But health and life are not things I am interested in, so basically I have no purpose in staying sober, so I lack motivation compared to other addicts.

Are there other addicts here who have ideas to how to stay motivated in being clean even while suicidal?

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

Chasing the dragon its a worlwind of a storm especially when your already a suicidal person, perhaps your post got me thinking of my big brother in jail,, he couldn't get off he kept chasing,, I remember the moments he was at his best, when he use to protect me, and when he'd confine in me about his dreams, dreams to have a wife and kids, he wanted to be a firefighting family man,, I can only imagine what your going through, I'm only really addicted to pot and tobacco, I'm sorry in advance if it was kinda inappropriate of me to bring up my brother just I feel for you even though I don't know you, I really do,,
you try your hardest to keep up this battle, not that this will help but if you need ideas for somthing to fight for or against, you could really try to get sober just to potentially keep yourself from hurting somone you care about or don't care about, I can't imagine your somone who'd be happy to accidentally kill somone in crash, or to threaten those around you for drug money,, it's a hard battle I can't tell you how to face but I sure can at least encourage your sobriety heh

 

[losing hope]

I'm in the same boat as OP. Perhaps the way to distract yourself is to find a "bigger better offer" other than the drugs. For me this might be a relationship, or a dog (10% chance this will happen). Or I might never find that "bigger better offer" and ctb (90% chance this will happen).

Obviously NOTHING will replace that inital chemical high from drugs, but longer term sustainable happiness without drugs will help even things out to help find and keep that "bigger better offer". How that works in reality, there would be times I would want to relapse. But then if I did that would hinder my relationship, so I CHOOSE not to relapse in that moment. That is when you have known you have found a "bigger better offer" than drugs.

 

[astr4]

100%, i try and cycle between benzos and adderall so that i don't develop too much of a tolerance to either, plus weed, i'm sure this is awful for my heart but whatever, i don't even bother with pretending i wanna be sober or anything idk. seems like a guaranteed way to drive myself to ctb even sooner. right now having money for my drugs is what keeps me going. once the government assistance cuts off its probably over for me.

 

[theolivanderroach]

I'm on the same boat as you. I've been completely sober since the end of July and these have been the worst months of my life. I've had sober periods before which also sucked but I at least had some temporary goals I was working to. The only thing I'm looking forward to now is ctb. I want as little tolerance as possible and I have no money to waste on drugs anymore so that's the only thing keeping me sober. Ironically, drugs are the only thing that have kept me alive this past decade.

 

[maniac116]

I'm in recovery from substances. Have you talked to anyone about your problem.
One issue with us addicted people is we quit what we used as a coping mechanism & have no other coping mechanisms to help us deal with life issues. I'm not gonna preach 12 step programs but they can be sooooo helpful.
I hope you're able to get thru your issues & that peace is able to find you

 

[KillingPain267]

I'm in recovery from substances. Have you talked to anyone about your problem.
One issue with us addicted people is we quit what we used as a coping mechanism & have no other coping mechanisms to help us deal with life issues. I'm not gonna preach 12 step programs but they can be sooooo helpful.
I hope you're able to get thru your issues & that peace is able to find you

Yes I have a professional to talk to about one of my substances of choice. But I never told her I also had heavy binge drinking periods because I don't want my general doctor to find out. I really can't trust any professionals. Anyway, I have resisted alcohol for 70 days now on my own but I use reddit and watch scare videos of alcohol withdrawal to remind me of why I should continue sober. So far it worked for this week at least.

 

[butimbleeding]

I'm with you OP. My alcohol use, along with the other drug I would often use while drunk, caused me nasty manic episodes where I acted senseless and needlessly confrontational with others.
So it was morally the right thing to do to get sober. My psychiatrist said it's the #1 thing that will help me. I've been clean from everything other than medication for 1.5 months and overall a much calmer, kinder person…
And I've pretty much been suicidal the whole time without the "artificial chemical happiness"

As you said, I feel alone. And life is not really something I'm interested in. I think that's maybe what drove me to substance abuse in the first place. Appreciate you sharing your feelings about it.

 

[Broken247]

I'm an addict too. I quitting again today. I'm not happy when I'm doing drugs, or when I'm sober. I just don't want to get arrested, I like my job as a driver and pet sitter too much. I quit and start, quit and start. I'm never happy. I hate life. I can not live I can not die, like the Metallica song.

I'm quitting Cigarettes, pot and booze today. Not going to bars or clubs. Shoot me now and fuck my life. I can empathize with you is what I'm really saying. Recovery groups are great, but I never feel like a member when I'm there. Like a fly on the wall more. Sooner I'm out of this world the better. Best of everything to you my friend.

 

[KillingPain267]

I'm with you OP. My alcohol use, along with the other drug I would often use while drunk, caused me nasty manic episodes where I acted senseless and needlessly confrontational with others.
So it was morally the right thing to do to get sober. My psychiatrist said it's the #1 thing that will help me. I've been clean from everything other than medication for 1.5 months and overall a much calmer, kinder person…
And I've pretty much been suicidal the whole time without the "artificial chemical happiness"

As you said, I feel alone. And life is not really something I'm interested in. I think that's maybe what drove me to substance abuse in the first place. Appreciate you sharing your feelings about it.

Yeah, alcohol made me feel happy and content for 40 minutes and then I would drink more and start having emotional rollercoasters, so I didn't like that either. I sleep better after stopping too. But I still battle intense anxiety for which I often crave a few drinks to calm down. It just rarely ever stops with a few, and it's simply too unhealthy to keep drinking. My liver cannot handle much.

 

[Cloud Busting]

May I ask how long your sobriety has been?

I felt like shit for the first three months of my sobriety. It's 5 months now and I feel much better. Albeit I still miss drugs sometimes. I really had to learn new ways of coping. Without these major changes in habit there is no chance I'd remain clean. Recovery for me is a lifelong lifestyle change and I'm learning to accept that. I have to embrace overall wellness, which isn't a bad thing tbh.

You are correct that nothing will replace artificial chemical happiness. Do remind yourself that the happiness is fleeting and therefore unsustainable. Chasing the high only leads to suffering. Hell, no subsequent high could ever compare to the first high I experienced. Yes, it may have been the best I ever felt, but to chase that sensation feels empty now. I'm not even convinced humans are meant to feel that elated in the first place.

There are definitely a lot of struggling sober addicts- look up the concept of a dry drunk. I think the people who are struggling are less likely to speak up. Don't let sanctimonious addicts who traded the high of drugs for the high of proselytizing discourage you. They don't speak for all.

Personally I tend to avoid the twelve steps because the long term converts tend to be self-righteous, myopic, and preachy. They also tend to be religious despite often claiming to absolutely not be. lol

 

[KillingPain267]

May I ask how long your sobriety has been?

I felt like shit for the first three months of my sobriety. It's 5 months now and I feel much better. Albeit I still miss drugs sometimes. I really had to learn new ways of coping. Without these major changes in habit there is no chance I'd remain clean. Recovery for me is a lifelong lifestyle change and I'm learning to accept that. I have to embrace overall wellness, which isn't a bad thing tbh.

You are correct that nothing will replace artificial chemical happiness. Do remind yourself that the happiness is fleeting and therefore unsustainable. Chasing the high only leads to suffering. Hell, no subsequent high could ever compare to the first high I experienced. Yes, it may have been the best I ever felt, but to chase that sensation feels empty now. I'm not even convinced humans are meant to feel that elated in the first place.

There are definitely a lot of struggling sober addicts- look up the concept of a dry drunk. I think the people who are struggling are less likely to speak up. Don't let sanctimonious addicts who traded the high of drugs for the high of proselytizing discourage you. They don't speak for all.

Personally I tend to avoid the twelve steps because the long term converts tend to be self-righteous, myopic, and preachy. They also tend to be religious despite often claiming to absolutely not be. lol

About 70 days fully sober, after binge drinking periods. Yeah, it's not sustainable, I learned that the hard way with a health scare and withdrawal symptoms starting each time I tried to stop. I replaced drinking with watching a movie every night after dinner consistently and eating sweets. Still, it's healthier than alcohol. But for me it's severe anxiety that sometimes just makes me want a few drinks to calm down. But I ruined that for myself by excess binging. Before alcohol though, I abused opioids too. I had to stop that due to running out of money. You see? Both of those I was basically forced by nature to get sober and clean, not because I really want to be sober. I see so many addicts claim sober life is so much better, and how lucky they are to be alive, but I don't have those things to motivate me. I only have fear of failing health and finances. I'm really tempted to drink myself to death, but even that gives me fear, so I plan to just ctb with a better method, before I relapse.

 

[LittleJem]

I just want to agree it fucking sucks.

When I have occasionally gone to 12 Steps meetings I am at least relieved in the situation that the drugs I use are not the kind that lead to doctor's warnings and sobriety becoming essential. I cannot handle being sober. The suicidal thoughts and misery. I tried it.

Agree - when I can't afford the drugs that is when I will go…

 

[Cloud Busting]

About 70 days fully sober, after binge drinking periods. Yeah, it's not sustainable, I learned that the hard way with a health scare and withdrawal symptoms starting each time I tried to stop. I replaced drinking with watching a movie every night after dinner consistently and eating sweets. Still, it's healthier than alcohol. But for me it's severe anxiety that sometimes just makes me want a few drinks to calm down. But I ruined that for myself by excess binging. Before alcohol though, I abused opioids too. I had to stop that due to running out of money. You see? Both of those I was basically forced by nature to get sober and clean, not because I really want to be sober. I see so many addicts claim sober life is so much better, and how lucky they are to be alive, but I don't have those things to motivate me. I only have fear of failing health and finances. I'm really tempted to drink myself to death, but even that gives me fear, so I plan to just ctb with a better method, before I relapse.

Good for you!

Keep in mind that while 70 days is impressive, it's still in the early recovery stage. It took me three months to not feel completely miserable. I've heard it can take up to two years for the brain to fully restore. Sobriety takes a ton of patience.

It sounds like you have underlying mental health issues you were self-medicating for. Have you talked to a doctor about it? I can relate to drinking to socialize and relax. It's not uncommon. It just makes everything worse, but you know that.

External motivation is typically what gets an addict to finally sober up. In each attempt to get sober for real this time, I was pressured by outside forces myself. Keep in mind that things can change. After discovering the benefits of sobriety I finally want to get clean for myself, but that was a gradual process and not an initial drive. Before it was running out of money/getting caught by my employer and wanting to avoid getting fired/fears of jail. lol!

 

[KillingPain267]

Good for you!

Keep in mind that while 70 days is impressive, it's still in the early recovery stage. It took me three months to not feel completely miserable. I've heard it can take up to two years for the brain to fully restore. Sobriety takes a ton of patience.

It sounds like you have underlying mental health issues you were self-medicating for. Have you talked to a doctor about it? I can relate to drinking to socialize and relax. It's not uncommon. It just makes everything worse, but you know that.

External motivation is typically what gets an addict to finally sober up. In each attempt to get sober for real this time, I was pressured by outside forces myself. Keep in mind that things can change. After discovering the benefits of sobriety I finally want to get clean for myself, but that was a gradual process and not an initial drive. Before it was running out of money/getting caught by my employer and wanting to avoid getting fired/fears of jail. lol!

I felt fine after just a week of sobriety. But by fine I mean back to normal, the normal I am used to before I started experimenting with drugs.

And by my normal, yes, it means severe social anxiety since age 13, moderate generalized anxiety, severe depression and a little OCD sprinkled in with insomnia during summer and a divorce to spice things up.

Yes, I have talked with the doctor, many doctors in fact, and tried different medications. Some CBT as well. Nothing really working, nothing as calming as a few shots of rum or half an oxy pill. And that is the problem right there. My brain now knows where to go. I don't think I will ever be fully "healed" from cravings until my mental health is fixed. But I doubt it will because any of their "treatments" are inferior to the hard stuff if their treatments have any effect at all.

So basically I give up. The final solution is to fully end my brain and nervous system, getting rid of both mental illnesses and addictive pathways for good. No more struggle.

 

[Lifeless Star]

I got off hard stuff around 6 months back because I was kinda forced to. Made it all of a month before I just feel back to binge drinking like I did when I was younger before I found out that harder stuff just felt better. I know I can't be happy when I'm sober, I've known it for over a decade at this point. I know everyone says that when you get sober life is just so much more enjoyable and I'm happy for the people that's the case for. But for me it's the option of being miserable all the time and not even being able to enjoy watching a movie or playing a game let alone being social with people, or I can drink or get high and feel okay and enjoy things at least a small amount of the time even if it's making me sick all the time and I know it's killing me.

And I very much relate to feeling normal when sober, but normal just being unbearable.

Anyway sorry for rambling just nice to be able to relate to this since I've never met anyone else who gets what it's like since everyone I've tried to explain this to before never does.

 

[KillingPain267]

I got off hard stuff around 6 months back because I was kinda forced to. Made it all of a month before I just feel back to binge drinking like I did when I was younger before I found out that harder stuff just felt better. I know I can't be happy when I'm sober, I've known it for over a decade at this point. I know everyone says that when you get sober life is just so much more enjoyable and I'm happy for the people that's the case for. But for me it's the option of being miserable all the time and not even being able to enjoy watching a movie or playing a game let alone being social with people, or I can drink or get high and feel okay and enjoy things at least a small amount of the time even if it's making me sick all the time and I know it's killing me.

And I very much relate to feeling normal when sober, but normal just being unbearable.

Anyway sorry for rambling just nice to be able to relate to this since I've never met anyone else who gets what it's like since everyone I've tried to explain this to before never does.

Yeah, being an addict AND suicidal makes sobriety much harder to stay motivated for. Other addicts only have benefits from getting sober.

 

[Lifeless Star]

Yeah, being an addict AND suicidal makes sobriety much harder to stay motivated for. Other addicts only have benefits from getting sober.

It just seems to be negatives every time I've tried to get sober in the past. Like I mean I'm sure my physical health was better but that doesn't really matter compared to having to deal with all the stuff that made me an addict in the first place.

I still think being sober for 70 days is really great though! Way longer than I've ever made it without relapsing and I think that's something to be proud of.

 

[KillingPain267]

It just seems to be negatives every time I've tried to get sober in the past. Like I mean I'm sure my physical health was better but that doesn't really matter compared to having to deal with all the stuff that made me an addict in the first place.

I still think being sober for 70 days is really great though! Way longer than I've ever made it without relapsing and I think that's something to be proud of.

Honestly, I try to be sober and heal as much as possible only so I can try moderation eventually. The cravings simply don't disappear. It's not physical craving but more a sadness that I lost the ability and right to drink or use moderately.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I felt fine after just a week of sobriety. But by fine I mean back to normal, the normal I am used to before I started experimenting with drugs.

And by my normal, yes, it means severe social anxiety since age 13, moderate generalized anxiety, severe depression and a little OCD sprinkled in with insomnia during summer and a divorce to spice things up.

Something people who haven't experienced addiction before fail to understand is that sobriety comes with facing all the things you were trying to escape. I'd say that's even harder than overcoming withdrawals (which is also hell.)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Divorce is tough and relapse is common during it. It happened to my mom.

Nothing really working, nothing as calming as a few shots of rum or half an oxy pill. And that is the problem right there. My brain now knows where to go.

One thing I took away from group therapy is that addiction is basically a brain rewiring. It reshapes your reward circuits. It's an issue with associative learning. Your brain associates certain things with reward (drugs) and that makes the pull of cravings so irresistible.

Learning what my triggers are and how to manage them was literally the only way I was able to stay clean. It meant blocking tons of people and changing my lifestyle and routine for me. Once I began to benefit from sobriety things got easier for me, and that took about three months.

I don't think I will ever be fully "healed" from cravings until my mental health is fixed.

I gave up on being fully healed from cravings and have just accepted they are inevitable. Learning to cope with them is the more attainable goal for me.

So basically I give up. The final solution is to fully end my brain and nervous system, getting rid of both mental illnesses and addictive pathways for good. No more struggle.

I'm sorry it's come to this, but I hope you find freedom from your mental illness and addiction. It's a hell I'd not wish on anyone.

It's clear you've tried very hard so no one can say you haven't. Finding effective mental health treatment is difficult, and therapy and meds aren't the magic cure people make them out to be.

Have you tried other therapies? Honestly cbt wasn't particularly my jam. I got more benefits from dbt and act myself. You can always try online support groups or discord servers if you've given up on paying for professionals. Workbooks too.

Honestly, I try to be sober and heal as much as possible only so I can try moderation eventually. The cravings simply don't disappear. It's not physical craving but more a sadness that I lost the ability and right to drink or use moderately.

I really used to struggle with this. Honestly, sometimes I still do. I'm very fortunate in that I have a job I love and was forced to get clean to keep it. I was so miserable, and tried to moderate, but it became clear I can't use my DOC and keep my job. It interferes with it too much.

I've come to the conclusion I'm just a cooler person when I'm not wasted or high on speed. Sure, sometimes I wish I could be normal, but I'm not, and I'm finally ok with that. Sobriety is the better trade off than being able to drink or use. I no longer care if I seem weird or like a square. Again, it took time to get there and it's not as if I never long for the ability to moderate, but sobriety is just really worth it to me.

I totally relate to what you have to say though. Again I think I'm just lucky.

 

[Lost Magic]

I used to drink alcohol a fair bit, but I replaced it with Kratom tea (there are different strains. I use Red Borneo). It calms me down significantly compared to what I was doing. Maybe try it or something else to help with your cravings?

 

[Lifeless Star]

Honestly, I try to be sober and heal as much as possible only so I can try moderation eventually. The cravings simply don't disappear. It's not physical craving but more a sadness that I lost the ability and right to drink or use moderately.

At best for me the cravings are like this empty longing feeling. At worst I still have days were they entirely consume my every thought and become really unbearable.

I've told myself I would try moderation after a little while of being sober so often and I always relapse. But I really hope you can get to a point where you can try moderation.

 

[KillingPain267]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Divorce is tough and relapse is common during it. It happened to my mom.

I didn't even relapse, it was the first time except for a few party drinks in my teenage years. I was a religious teetotaler for a decade before the divorce and never thought I would ever have a problem with drinking. Even my faith couldn't stop me from looking for an escape.

Have you tried other therapies? Honestly cbt wasn't particularly my jam. I got more benefits from dbt and act myself. You can always try online support groups or discord servers if you've given up on paying for professionals. Workbooks too.

I have a new appointment again with psychiatrists in December, so I'll see what they say. What is dbt? Yes, I'm using reddit groups as well simply watching videos of scare scenarios of what addiction and drinking can lead to more when I feel cravings.

I used to drink alcohol a fair bit, but I replaced it with Kratom tea (there are different strains. I use Red Borneo). It calms me down significantly compared to what I was doing. Maybe try it or something else to help with your cravings?

I've looked for kratom. It seems to be mentioned in all withdrawal forums. But it's simply not popular in my country. Weed is not an option either because it always gave me paranoia every time I tried it.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I didn't even relapse, it was the first time except for a few party drinks in my teenage years. I was a religious teetotaler for a decade before the divorce and never thought I would ever have a problem with drinking. Even my faith couldn't stop me from looking for an escape.

This goes to show that addiction can truly happen to anyone.

I have a new appointment again with psychiatrists in December, so I'll see what they say.

Good luck!

What is dbt?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

I'm happy to provide recommendations of resources I've found useful/helpful if you're interested.

Yes, I'm using reddit groups as well simply watching videos of scare scenarios of what addiction and drinking can lead to more when I feel cravings.

Have you found these resources helpful? Have you considered attending meetings? I'm happy to share twelve step alternatives if you'd like.

I won't knock what works. People are different. I think scare tactic videos would trigger me though. Just thinking about drugs when I'm craving feeds the devil even more for me.

Playing the tapes helps me. It's tempting to entertain thoughts like, "It will be different this time!" I've learned to counter that by referring to my personal history, which has yet to prove I'm responsible with my use. Every time I tried to moderate I failed, and to expect a different result would be insanity. I tend to hold my own experiences with more weight over broad or generalized experiences, so this may or may not apply to you.

I find urging surfing particularly helpful. Also accepting the reality of my situation in favor of wishing, regretting, or holding onto value judgments. Maintaining sobriety is a lot of trial and error and takes much patience and persistence. It can take awhile to find what sticks or works.

At best for me the cravings are like this empty longing feeling.

Beautifully put. This describes it perfectly!

At worst I still have days were they entirely consume my every thought and become really unbearable.

How often does this occur for you? Do you find these days have lessened with extended sobriety?

I've told myself I would try moderation after a little while of being sober so often and I always relapse. But I really hope you can get to a point where you can try moderation.

Yeah, I've honestly given up on being able to moderate my DOC. I can be ok with beer but other alcohol I really have to watch.

I remember my goal being moderation, and the idea of being entirely abstinent sounded like the worst thing in the world to me. I'm actually… ok with sobriety more and more? I'm even considering cutting back on weed, a thing I never thought I'd do. I dunno. Life is weird and preferences and opinions change.

 

[KillingPain267]

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

I'm happy to provide recommendations of resources I've found useful/helpful if you're interested.

Yes, please share recommendations

Have you found these resources helpful? Have you considered attending meetings? I'm happy to share twelve step alternatives if you'd like.

Meetings trigger my severe social anxiety and I get tempted to knock a few shots down or pop a pill to ease the stress of going to meet strangers. So anything social has the opposite effect of helping.

I won't knock what works. People are different. I think scare tactic videos would trigger me though. Just thinking about drugs when I'm craving feeds the devil even more for me.

Yeah there is that element. Sometimes I better not even think about drugs. But alcohol is shown everywhere so it's almost impossible to avoid thinking about it. So when I REALLY crave I use scare tactics on myself to avoid relapsing. Anything from people explaining their experiences of delirium tremens or liver failure scares the shit out of me enough to know that if I relapse I get closer and closer to those experiences.