Being among people

[ForensicallyAware]

I know it's awful but when I'm among people the hate and resentment I feel is immense.

I hardly talk , because my depression is deep and like a knife in my head .
I observe people and their relatively carefree lives and social lives and the way they chatter away and it's hard not to feel angry that I'm excluded from all this.
I feel the only way to avoid these feelings is to live a life of isolation.

Increasingly I feel a person must have a thick skin just to exist in the real world.

What a finely tuned hell we have created.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

What a finely tuned hell we have created.

Is that a quote from someone?

I agree you need a thick skin or a lot of money at least to be shielded; I wish I had enough money to live as an eccentric.

 

[Oyoy]

The pain is immence. I feel mute. I only ask questions in disbelief about how others cope.

 

[bpdteacher]

I find the same sort of responses occur with me, but instead of rage I usually feel immense sadness. It's like you're peeking into a secret world that you could perhaps have been a part of had your circumstances been different. I spend a lot of time trying not to look out of place in the real world and it does irk me how easy some people make 'being normal' look.

 

[Donk]

for me its more jealousy than hate. im jealous of seeing others happy while im suffering inside

 

[ForensicallyAware]

Is that a quote from someone?

Mine

 

[autumnal]

I know it's awful but when I'm among people the hate and resentment I feel is immense.

I hardly talk , because my depression is deep and like a knife in my head .
I observe people and their relatively carefree lives and social lives and the way they chatter away and it's hard not to feel angry that I'm excluded from all this.
I feel the only way to avoid these feelings is to live a life of isolation.

Increasingly I feel a person must have a thick skin just to exist in the real world.

What a finely tuned hell we have created.

A lot of those people you see are probably going through similar things and hiding it from others, in the same way you are.

Not a solution as such, but perhaps a way to put things into better perspective?

 

[ForensicallyAware]

A lot of those people you see are probably going through similar things and hiding it from others, in the same way you are.

Not a solution as such, but perhaps a way to put things into better perspective?

For example late on Friday night I took a coach journey and my neighbours did not shut up the entire trip.
When depression means you hardly speak it is a kick in the stomach.
Not considering the bad manners of not shutting up for a second, (which the driver twice stopped the coach to tell them off about) another reason I hate people.

Yes, generally people have worries and problems they hide. Definitely.

 

[seafarer]

Yep I dont go out at all I'm forced literally unless I m forward to. I don't go funerals and only to the church part of my sister's wedding and missed my nans wake. That's how much I avoid people. I have never been in a nightclub except one in Epping forest during the day as I was on one of the boxing teams and they have unlicenced shows there. Not even pubs. All the noise and chatting drives me crazy.if my mum who I visit tells me she has friends or family are visiting I don't bother going that day. Like today on Sundays they have some people for Sunday dinner so I avoid it at all costs. My life is just solitary and I prefer it that way as strange as it is from the norm

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

You know, to everyone else, I seem relatively happy on the outside... usually. I'm the kind of person who can seem like I'm in a great mood, be laughing and making jokes, all the while still planning on killing myself that night. I use humor as a way to mask my true feelings. I remember I told a coworker, who had to drive me home, that I was miserable and they couldn't believe it. They said I was always so nice and seemed like I was in a good mood most of the time. Of course, sometimes my real mood shows but I try not to let it, mostly because I don't want to be a bummer to anyone else. I guess I've also been so conditioned to put on a "happy face" no matter what, that it actually comes naturally. I've been told I can seem distant sometimes or just tired, but still okay. I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes, "happy" people can be just as miserable as you, we just hide it. But it's not always fake, either. I do get these brief moments of feeling good or just okay when I'm around friends, but they are very fleeting. Misery is baseline, but I can occasionally be lifted for a moment.. but I always immediately go back down. But that being said, I've been having a much more difficult time recently seeming okay and all of my problems are starting to become apparent to friends. So, five months ago if I killed myself, mostly everyone would have been shocked. If I killed myself now, not as shocking anymore and for a handful of people, expected.

 

[LittleJem]

I'm more and more becoming a hermit. I was forcing myself to see friends, but I'm just not enjoying seeing people or enjoying anything. So I may as well be alone. I am also withdrawing from my bf, as I don't want to hurt him when I CTB, and I am agitated and grumpy and I don't want to inflict that on him. So...hermit life for me. Alone in bed all weekend, dreaming of ending it asap.

 

[Marktheghost]

Yeah I can relate. Isolation makes things worse for me though. I need relationships with other people!

 

[lanitoasmr]

I'm 18. All my high school mates are with their partners, going to college, have a nice life. And here I am, dealing with my mental problems trying to stop that voice saying "kill urself"

 

[ForensicallyAware]

 

[Steamm]

You described me

 

[departing]

What a finely tuned hell we have created.

Indeed we have... and there's no turning back.

 

[ForensicallyAware]

 

[Empty Smile]

Yep. It's a crock of shit how people can live a happy carefree life, and we are stuck in a life of hell.

I avoid people as much as possible, including family. I deal with people daily because of work, but I try to keep the chit chat quick and brief.

 

[ghostspace]

I'm quite agoraphobic (take that COVID-19) but I do like being around people. It's just that I get so jealous of the ease and weightlessness they seem to have while I'm all weighed down and panicky. In my head, I go to imaginary clubs and wear amazing makeup and look super cute. In reality, I'd feel disgusting and angry at everyone else for being able to tolerate the world when I'm stuck in my brain prison.

 

[Why you?]

You know, to everyone else, I seem relatively happy on the outside... usually. I'm the kind of person who can seem like I'm in a great mood, be laughing and making jokes, all the while still planning on killing myself that night. I use humor as a way to mask my true feelings. I remember I told a coworker, who had to drive me home, that I was miserable and they couldn't believe it. They said I was always so nice and seemed like I was in a good mood most of the time. Of course, sometimes my real mood shows but I try not to let it, mostly because I don't want to be a bummer to anyone else. I guess I've also been so conditioned to put on a "happy face" no matter what, that it actually comes naturally. I've been told I can seem distant sometimes or just tired, but still okay. I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes, "happy" people can be just as miserable as you, we just hide it. But it's not always fake, either. I do get these brief moments of feeling good or just okay when I'm around friends, but they are very fleeting. Misery is baseline, but I can occasionally be lifted for a moment.. but I always immediately go back down. But that being said, I've been having a much more difficult time recently seeming okay and all of my problems are starting to become apparent to friends. So, five months ago if I killed myself, mostly everyone would have been shocked. If I killed myself now, not as shocking anymore and for a handful of people, expected.

This is a lot like my situation. Even I told one of my 'supposed' best friend. He just wrote me off. And I can literally see my depression fucking develop in front of me, but I don't want to do anything about it. What can I do? I have been isolating myself. At least online. I didn't even realize it unless someone pointed it out to me.

 

[Aleandra Felix]

I've been through that. I still do sometimes. Back when I understood my life was pure fucking hell, I slowly developed a huge resentment for the world. Because "everyone" had the chance to be happy and enjoy cool stuff I could only dream of. As I got older I found out it was my parents' fault and nobody else's. Then I channeled my rage to them. I've never done anything to them, but God I wish. I truly and deeply hate them for ruining my life. I hate them more than anything and anyone in this entire world.
Anyway, I rarely ever feel angry when I see others doing things I wish I could. Especially because I know life in general is just shitty and, even though I believe there are legitimately happy people out there, most people are usually miserable. I know the good feeling they're showing might not be real. So I don't really care. But occasionally some attitude or something said will trigger my traumas and I get into a blind rage state.

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

I avoid people as much as possible they drain me Isolation is the gift everything else is a test of your endurance.

 

[WhiteDespair]

I'm tasked with increasing my soft skills this year. I'm not enthused. Lack of self esteem, projection of vacuity, and obfuscation of my life all combine into one big fat leave me the fuck alone.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I feel a lot of what's written here. I used to be outgoing, able to make friends easily. But now I'm at a level where Ik how fake and meaningless it all really is. I don't even have the energy to try at this point. It makes me sick when I have to deal with people irl now, whether I know them or not.

 

[BabyYoda]

It's disappointing how I can make friends and keep them but not have a best friend or anything like that. On the bright side, it will be easier for me to CTB because the impact is less strong anyways.

 

[Epsilon0]

This is my experience as well:

"Increasingly I feel a person must have a thick skin just to exist in the real world."

@ForensicallyAware

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

This is my experience as well:

"Increasingly I feel a person must have a thick skin just to exist in the real world."

@ForensicallyAware

I'd personally use the word survive.

 

[Rider66]

I know it's awful but when I'm among people the hate and resentment I feel is immense.

I hardly talk , because my depression is deep and like a knife in my head .
I observe people and their relatively carefree lives and social lives and the way they chatter away and it's hard not to feel angry that I'm excluded from all this.
I feel the only way to avoid these feelings is to live a life of isolation.

Increasingly I feel a person must have a thick skin just to exist in the real world.

What a finely tuned hell we have created.

I feel the same. Waste my time in pubs. Constantly jealous of how others manage. Speaking less and less as all I can do is try to figure out whats going on, how have I come to this. Have almost nothing left to say. Have erased my existence. The only thing that interests me currently is the methods here

 

[selfhater]

for me its more jealousy than hate. im jealous of seeing others happy while im suffering inside

same this is my second main reason why i isolate myself

 

[Nem]

I am very isolated too, because of work I socialize but it's a minimum. Holy shit this is complete hell
Peace/hugs