Venting Being alone

[Yorkshire91]

I spend the majority of my time alone with all the mental shite, even when I'm with people I feel so alone. I've made attempts before on my own yet when I think about it part of me really doesn't want to be alone when it happens. I know I will be as it's the only way and it makes me so fucking angry. Why should anyone have to be alone in their last moments, why can't anyone understand and comfort us in our exit. I know there's the legal and moral aspects and I'd never ask anyone to be there it wouldn't be fair I accept this. In an ideal world I would lay in the arms of my love fall asleep and drift away. The reality of it will be me alone in my car parked in a dark secluded spot, our society really needs a long hard look at itself when people are forced to go through this. I'm really sorry for waffling and being long winded about this. Everything I've had to bottle up is bursting out most of which I dont even understand. Wish I could make sense of this. Sorry if I've wasted your time with this, thank you for giving me a platform to get this out.

 

[BipolarExpat]

Don't feel bad for venting, Yorkshire. The majority of us here wonder about /are perplexed by the same issue(s).

If mental illnesses were recognized as the degrees of pain they actually are....rather than this misunderstood, shamed/shunned, feared and stigmatized mess that they currently are,....maybe there'd be more empathy/assistance.

 

[EmptySteph62]

I feel this so much, I just wish it wasn't so unethical and societally inappropriate for my best friend to just hug me and be there for me when I do it.
I would even settle for someone being able to help me first aid my self harm wounds without making me feel like a total waste of life.
I hate feeling so alone, especially when I'm physically around other people. It's so odd being so lonely while still interacting with people.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I spend the majority of my time alone with all the mental shite, even when I'm with people I feel so alone. I've made attempts before on my own yet when I think about it part of me really doesn't want to be alone when it happens. I know I will be as it's the only way and it makes me so fucking angry. Why should anyone have to be alone in their last moments, why can't anyone understand and comfort us in our exit. I know there's the legal and moral aspects and I'd never ask anyone to be there it wouldn't be fair I accept this. In an ideal world I would lay in the arms of my love fall asleep and drift away. The reality of it will be me alone in my car parked in a dark secluded spot, our society really needs a long hard look at itself when people are forced to go through this. I'm really sorry for waffling and being long winded about this. Everything I've had to bottle up is bursting out most of which I dont even understand. Wish I could make sense of this. Sorry if I've wasted your time with this, thank you for giving me a platform to get this out.

Interesting, I've always found people's desire to go surrounded by loved ones hard to relate to as I would be incredibly self conscious having an audience during the death process. Partially because it can be so unceremonious and ugly and partially because I think they'd prevent me from fully facing the death experience, if that makes sense. Maybe I've just never been close enough with anyone to understand people's desire to be surrounded by loved ones during death, though–that's very possible.

I do agree that our culture needs some serious revisions, especially when it comes to the topic of bodily autonomy and death. You should be able to have the kind of death you want when you want it. I wish we could all go as we pleased :(

 

[Yorkshire91]

Don't feel bad for venting, Yorkshire. The majority of us here wonder about /are perplexed by the same issue(s).

If mental illnesses were recognized as the degrees of pain they actually are....rather than this misunderstood, shamed/shunned, feared and stigmatized mess that they currently are,....maybe there'd be more empathy/assistance.

So true!! I feel like society feels the need to try force their idea of "help" upon us to make themselves feel better, like they'd be affected by our passing anyway it's pure hypocrisy. The amount of times I've opened up to people just to be told to "get a grip" "sort yourself out" "get back to work and do something" "see the doctor take the meds" is ridiculous. Even my mother seems to think it's as easy as snapping yourself out of it. Society needs to realise that the help we need is not the help they give.

 

[BipolarExpat]

It's so odd being so lonely while still interacting with people.

It is odd and (I believe) one of the reasons we still feel alone (among others) is because we know.

We know that our true feelings and motivations aren't acceptable to most members of society.

 

[Yorkshire91]

I feel this so much, I just wish it wasn't so unethical and societally inappropriate for my best friend to just hug me and be there for me when I do it.
I would even settle for someone being able to help me first aid my self harm wounds without making me feel like a total waste of life.
I hate feeling so alone, especially when I'm physically around other people. It's so odd being so lonely while still interacting with people.

I know it's something other people will never understand, when I self harmed I was told I was attention seeking and abusive by the person who made me feel that low, I genuinely dont think they meant to make me feel that way tbh I think it's more to do with how I perceive things. Either way I'm hated for it

 

[Bathsheba]

I know it's something other people will never understand, when I self harmed I was told I was attention seeking and abusive by the person who made me feel that low, I genuinely dont think they meant to make me feel that way tbh I think it's more to do with how I perceive things. Either way I'm hated for it

I really hate when people ask if you self harm for attention.. a very toxic person did that with me recently, and all it does is make you feel more shit about yourself. It's ignorant and damaging xx

 

[Yorkshire91]

I really hate when people ask if you self harm for attention.. a very toxic person did that with me recently, and all it does is make you feel more shit about yourself. It's ignorant and damaging xx

So very true!! If it was for attention there's a lot of easier more effective ways. I was told all the things I wanted to talk about were trivial and didn't matter so I opened up and showed them. They sat with me whilst I spoke to the crisis team and told them everything, came across like they cared yet down the line I only showed them and opened up in order to abuse them wtf. Only people who have been where we are will ever understand. I just wish I didn't have to do this in order to achieve peace xx

 

[woxihuanni]

Partially because it can be so unceremonious and ugly and partially because I think they'd prevent me from fully facing the death experience, if that makes sense.

I think most people want to avoid facing the death experience.

 

[SinisterKid]

You bring the transport, I'll bring the SN and we can watch the sun rise one last time and drift off into a very long, very deep sleep.

Beats alone in a car in some dark place by any stretch of the imagination.

 

[Yorkshire91]

You bring the transport, I'll bring the SN and we can watch the sun rise one last time and drift off into a very long, very deep sleep.

Beats alone in a car in some dark place by any stretch of the imagination.

Are you in the uk? I've just drank a bottle of whiskey and dropped 50 10mg diazepam if I dont get my exit this sounds perfect

 

[SinisterKid]

I am just up the road from you if your name is anything to go by. But it sounds to me like you wont be going anywhere in a hurry any time soon.

Its a romantic notion, that is just better than dying alone for most of us. But who would deny a old man his dreams huh

 

[Yorkshire91]

I am just up the road from you if your name is anything to go by. But it sounds to me like you wont be going anywhere in a hurry any time soon.

Its a romantic notion, that is just better than dying alone for most of us. But who would deny a old man his dreams huh

Just up the road sounds spot on. I'll let you know what tonight brings

 

[Partial-Elf]

I think most people want to avoid facing the death experience.

Dang, you're totally right. I've always been curious about what dying is like... more curious than scared, for sure

 

[woxihuanni]

Dang, you're totally right. I've always been curious about what dying is like... more curious than scared, for sure

I am scared, it's because I don't like to do anything dramatic and/or irreversible. Cannot even yell at someone, don't like changing my habits, etc. Dying is as dramatic as it gets, it's changing everything (in my case for the better, because I live like a worm). Still, it's dramatic and uncomfortable.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I am scared, it's because I don't like to do anything dramatic and/or irreversible. Cannot even yell at someone, don't like changing my habits, etc. Dying is as dramatic as it gets, it's changing everything (in my case for the better, because I live like a worm). Still, it's dramatic and uncomfortable.

I see what you're saying. I'm thinking about a career change and am struggling because I tend to think the same way–risk averse, tendency to ride it out and not make waves. I think the difference here is that those other dramatic changes are dramatic because they have an effect on your day to day life in the following weeks and years.

However, with dying you don't exist to experience the dramatic change–the weeks and years stop, and there are no more decisions to be made. Thoughts, feelings, and relationships all end. That's what excites me about death

 

[woxihuanni]

I see what you're saying. I'm thinking about a career change and am struggling because I tend to think they same way–be conservative, ride it out, don't make waves. I think the difference here is that those other dramatic changes are dramatic because they have an effect on your day to day life in the following weeks and years.

However, with dying you don't exist to experience the dramatic change–the weeks and years stop, and there are no more decisions to be made. Thoughts, feelings, and relationships all end. That's what excites me about death

Ah, my favourite difficulty is that I cannot really envision future. I make plans, buy tickets, book things and it does not really dawn on me at some level, that I'm going somewhere, for instance. So part of me will never understand it is the end, even when I am carefully taking my AE and then my poison.

 

[Centerism]

Hey OP,
I hate being alone also. My partner recently died and left me here alone. Once again I'm trying to find love by posting on this site. The good people here have become my family and it feels so good do be understood.

I'm a romantic person by nature. I'm here trying to find a partner. I want to go out with somebody I trust, care for and who understands me. I'd like to watch the sunset/sunrise with someone holding my hand while we take our last breath together. To me, that's perfect.

I saw you drank a bunch and took some pills. I have to say this. I've tried to do the same before, although I only took 30 Xanax, and I just woke up in the hospital. I really hope the same doesn't happen to you. I truly hope you achieve bliss in eternity.

I just want you to know. I love you, no matter what. And I understand you. You belong here and you belong to eternity. And most of all... I support you.

Good luck. Keep us updated

 

[AtomicNewt]

Interesting, I've always found people's desire to go surrounded by loved ones hard to relate to as I would be incredibly self conscious having an audience during the death process. Partially because it can be so unceremonious and ugly and partially because I think they'd prevent me from fully facing the death experience, if that makes sense. Maybe I've just never been close enough with anyone to understand people's desire to be surrounded by loved ones during death, though–that's very possible.

I do agree that our culture needs some serious revisions, especially when it comes to the topic of bodily autonomy and death. You should be able to have the kind of death you want when you want it. I wish we could all go as we pleased :(

Yes. Completely feel like death is like birth, the only thing any of us have in common. It's - rightly - accepted that you should have at least reasonable control over giving birth, therefore the same should apply to death. Autonomy over ones body. And, like giving birth, death should be a private or at least very intimate affair.

Personally feel that, however silly it seems, if there was any audience at all I would just feel too self-conscious or focused on that particular social discomfort rather than on the act itself. If that makes any sense. Do not want the worry about how I'm doing it right/wrong etc at that point!

That said most people do not even vaguely understand such things. At least here, if and when I choose, I won't feel alone, even if I am not physically with anybody

 

[scorpiooo2]

You shouldn't feel bad for venting on here it's good to discuss your feelings.

I understand where you're coming from when you talk about being alone, I'm really double sided about it. Sometimes I like it because I don't have to deal with others but other times I don't like it because honestly nobody wants to be completely alone.

I hope things improve for you

 

[oopswronglife]

Personally feel like, however silly it seems, if there was any audience at all I would just feel too self-conscious or focused on that particular discomfort rather than the act itself.

Walking into the death room trying to be all polite..."Oh pardon me...please you go first"...not-gonna die people look at you nervously..."Uhh...that's ok...after you..we insist".

I also wouldn't want people around for that same reason. I feel I'd be too concerned with their comfort as if I was hosting tea or something. I am sure its quite different it you are dying in some hospital outside of your control and family are there. Nobody can change it. It's just happening and that constrains people. But for a conscious act of turning this meatbag off it's different in my mind and I would find an audience quite uncomfortable and surely somebody would panic or something since TECHNICALLY it doens't have to happen and people will respond to that possible path when they are overwhelmed.

 

[Partial-Elf]

Yes. Completely feel like death is like birth, the only thing any of us have in common. It's - rightly - accepted that you should have at least reasonable control over giving birth and so the same should apply to death. Autonomy over ones body. And, like giving birth, death should be a private or at least very intimate affair.

Personally feel that, however silly it seems, if there was any audience at all I would just feel too self-conscious or focused on that particular social discomfort rather than on the act itself. If that makes sense. Do not want the worry about how I'm doing it, right/wrong etc at that point!

That said most people do not even vaguely understand such things. At least here if and when I choose I won't feel alone, even if I am not physically with anybody

Walking into the death room trying to be all polite..."Oh pardon me...please you go first"...not-gonna die people look at you nervously..."Uhh...that's ok...after you..we insist".

I also wouldn't want people around for that same reason. I feel I'd be too concerned with their comfort as if I was hosting tea or something. I am sure its quite different it you are dying in some hospital outside of your control and family are there. Nobody can change it. It's just happening and that constrains people. But for a conscious act of turning this meatbag off it's different in my mind and I would find an audience quite uncomfortable and surely somebody would panic or something since TECHNICALLY it doens't have to happen and people will respond to that possible path when they are overwhelmed.

@oopswronglife I genuinely laughed out loud at that. exactly

It makes me feel good that you both get it. When I'm around others I'm always:

1. Trying to determine what they feel or think but aren't willing to say. What are their hidden motives and judgments?
2. Putting on a performance. Generally whatever version of myself is advantageous in the situation, as much as I hate to admit it
3. Pretty self conscious about body function and appearance... things like hair, breath, skin, teeth, smell

I've always been stressed out by this distance between me and others and found it hard to be at ease or genuinely myself around them. Even with parents and lovers I have had to hide so many things that I can hardly relate to them anymore. The process of dying is a time when I don't want to have to wonder about others' hidden thoughts, don't want to feel the need to perform a certain way, and for damn sure don't want to feel self conscious about my body as it'll probably be doing some really gross things.

PS: Alcohol makes all those uncomfortable insecurities go away, but at a steep cost

 

[EmptySteph62]

It is odd and (I believe) one of the reasons we still feel alone (among others) is because we know.

We know that our true feelings and motivations aren't acceptable to most members of society.

Yes exactly

I know it's something other people will never understand, when I self harmed I was told I was attention seeking and abusive by the person who made me feel that low, I genuinely dont think they meant to make me feel that way tbh I think it's more to do with how I perceive things. Either way I'm hated for it

Its really not fair that people react that way about self harm, yet if I broke my leg biking everyone would feel pity, ya know? Its fu^*ed up

 

[Darkhaven]

People are weak and stupid.
They get all sentimental when someone talks about suicide, even when there are logical reasons to do it.
Then there's the greedy and selfish ones that want to keep others alive just to feel better themselves and don't give a single f**k about how desperate people are feeling.
This world needs a good cleansing.
Not my duty though.

 

[CURSED again]

Then there's the greedy and selfish ones that want to keep others alive just to feel better themselves and don't give a single f**k about how desperate people are feeling

thats the hell hole i'm in right now and i'm afraid if i fail another attempt that i will be put in the terrible psych place again (they are horrible here), i feel so all alone - if i had N (its so complicated to get!) I would already be gone - alot of other methods are problematic for me.

 

[eve2004]

Interesting, I've always found people's desire to go surrounded by loved ones hard to relate to as I would be incredibly self conscious having an audience during the death process. Partially because it can be so unceremonious and ugly and partially because I think they'd prevent me from fully facing the death experience, if that makes sense. Maybe I've just never been close enough with anyone to understand people's desire to be surrounded by loved ones during death, though–that's very possible.

I do agree that our culture needs some serious revisions, especially when it comes to the topic of bodily autonomy and death. You should be able to have the kind of death you want when you want it. I wish we could all go as we pleased :(

I think if I cared so much to want to have my loved ones there (or even leave hints in advance) then I'd feel close enough to them (or anyone) to not CTB. As it stands I am close to no one, the only people I talk to are my therapist and psychiatrist and even then, they seem to have given up and not give a shit so I'm feeling like I have less reason to stay (from guilt) and more to CTB (zero guilt anymore).

 

[Dawn0071111]

I hear you. I would love nothing more than to die with my loved ones. Holding someones hand..seeing a kind face and eyes..... But since we are suiciding, we must be alone due to how our culture works. And that is very hard to pull off. Dying all alone. Unless as some commenters have said is thier prefernce;

 

[Xaphous]

I endure solitary confinement. I don't have even one conversation a year. Almost 11 years of that, life was absolutely shit before too, nothing but abuse. I know im forced to kill myself.

 

[pole]

i feel like im a lonely extrovert. i need to be around people, cause thats when im the most happiest.

but i isolate myself, pushing people away from me, force myself to be alone when i dont want to, and when i know its so terrible for me. its like i wanna see myself suffer or something.