I almost tried to CTB last night. I had everything ready to go, SN mixed with water but SI prevented me from drinking it. I'm so tired... I don't have anyone to talk to and the people that try to interact with me end up leaving because I end up just being a burden. I keep forgiving the people that clearly have no good intentions... the girl I love so much probably doesn't give a single crap about me and keeps piling on more drama that I have to deal with. She keeps torturing me yet I don't have the balls to just block her and move on. I thought I finally got better and I found myself confident, good looking, smart, sweet, caring but she knows exactly which buttons to push to break me into a million little pieces. She feels exactly the same way I do and I finally thought I found someone I could relate to but no... she isn't so different from everyone else after all. I've never felt so alone before... surrounded by people that don't give a crap but pretend they do just to keep me around. I have severe abandonment issues so even fake friends leaving is enough to set me off and I constantly fear others will leave me too.
I'm a snowflake... either I'm too good for this world or I'm just stupid... I don't know anymore. I believe bad people don't exist. No one wants a man like me... I'm very sensitive and emotional and I have a lot of empathy but that just makes me vulnerable and people abuse that on a daily basis. No amount of self love is going to fix this because it's my personality and I can't change it. I have so much love to give yet no one to give it to... if I died right now, my 'friends' wouldn't even notice that I'm gone so maybe that's what needs to happen. Maybe my destiny is just simply suicide. Being completely alone with no one to vent to or cry to is the worst feeling ever... I've experienced this way too much in my life and I always promised myself I would never abandon people that are having a rough time but this just leads to more problems for me. The girl I love has BPD... she can be very nice but she can also be a pain in the ass to deal with. I promised her that I would never leave her because of it, never but I feel like I'm just a toy for her to play with.
I'm exhausted... I have a job I love that I can no longer do because I have 0 motivation. I can't stop crying, I can't deal with this anymore. No one wants to listen to me, no one wants to hear my story and I don't blame them. The people that have tried in the past just end up blocking me or ignoring me because I'm such a pain to deal with. I'm always there for my friends but they're never there for me when I need them the most. I don't need hundreds of friends... just 1 person that is willing to listen to me and comfort me is enough, but I don't even have that. I wish someone would love me, I wish someone would care. Even my therapist doesn't understand how I feel and it's driving me crazy. A psychiatrist told me there was nothing they could do for me...
Who knows, I might successfully CTB today. I hate giving up but I feel like there is no other solution, I've fought for too long.
I'm a snowflake... either I'm too good for this world or I'm just stupid... I don't know anymore. I believe bad people don't exist. No one wants a man like me... I'm very sensitive and emotional and I have a lot of empathy but that just makes me vulnerable and people abuse that on a daily basis. No amount of self love is going to fix this because it's my personality and I can't change it. I have so much love to give yet no one to give it to... if I died right now, my 'friends' wouldn't even notice that I'm gone so maybe that's what needs to happen. Maybe my destiny is just simply suicide. Being completely alone with no one to vent to or cry to is the worst feeling ever... I've experienced this way too much in my life and I always promised myself I would never abandon people that are having a rough time but this just leads to more problems for me. The girl I love has BPD... she can be very nice but she can also be a pain in the ass to deal with. I promised her that I would never leave her because of it, never but I feel like I'm just a toy for her to play with.
I'm exhausted... I have a job I love that I can no longer do because I have 0 motivation. I can't stop crying, I can't deal with this anymore. No one wants to listen to me, no one wants to hear my story and I don't blame them. The people that have tried in the past just end up blocking me or ignoring me because I'm such a pain to deal with. I'm always there for my friends but they're never there for me when I need them the most. I don't need hundreds of friends... just 1 person that is willing to listen to me and comfort me is enough, but I don't even have that. I wish someone would love me, I wish someone would care. Even my therapist doesn't understand how I feel and it's driving me crazy. A psychiatrist told me there was nothing they could do for me...
Who knows, I might successfully CTB today. I hate giving up but I feel like there is no other solution, I've fought for too long.
