Venting Beginning to Relapse on this Depressive Mentality

[Pancake]

It's been a while since I've visited this site, maybe 2 years. Last time I visited this site, I was in a mental state that caused me to very nearly catch the bus, but I couldn't go through with it.

These past two years I've been trying my hardest to get out of this depressive rut. And for the most part it worked. I got a job, I went to therapy and started taking medications for my anxiety. But once in a while, I still feel it. The awful feeling of dread and self-loathing, born entirely out of my inability to grow and change, despite desperately wanting to. It's starting to come back to me.

I have a girlfriend, and I love her so much. But I can't stop these feelings. I want to die. Really badly. But when I think about what my death would do to her, I feel like I'll burst into tears.

To be honest, I feel trapped. Sometimes I wish I never met her so I can leave in peace. There's so many things I would like to leave behind on this world, but she is not one of them. I don't think I can tell her. Despite all the love and care she gives me, it can't fix me, and I think that might break her heart.

I don't know what to do. I'm also incredibly afraid of death. To me, death is incredibly tempting because it's the easy way out, but frankly speaking, death is incredibly scary.

That's all from me. Maybe I'll visit this site again in another two years. Or maybe I'll be dead. Idk.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

It's definitely difficult to ponder: leaving a partner behind. You constantly want to stay behind for their sake but your mind is constantly screaming at you, telling you to end it all. Even if you know that you don't want to die, knowing that every time you step up to the edge you back off, the call of the void is just too tempting. I also have a partner which I love very much and I believe the only thing you can do is be open with them. Let them know that you have these thoughts and that it wouldn't be their fault if, one day, you stopped responding.

I also believe we all have grown and changed from who we used to be in the past. Even the most depressed among this site are still learning something new every day and it'd be wrong to say that we're stuck in an intransient state we can never grow out of. I keep telling myself is that it's wrong to look upon others' achievements, even my partner's achievements, as something to be glorified when I'm constantly putting myself down. It doesn't help all the time, but it does remind me that sometimes I need to observe the bubble of my being from the outside.