Venting Before I go...(fill in the blanks)

[NoPoint280491]

I'm waiting for my SN to arrive and I'm confident that I want to CTB. I have shared my Google Photos access with my sister so my family and loved ones have access to my memories etc for my funeral and have chosen my funeral songs... however I haven't written a will or sorted out how they can access my money/savings. There's a part of me that wants to go blow it all and have a stupidly expensive holiday or something else but if I then survive I'm even more fucked.

What are some of your impulsive thoughts or desires before you go/ what have you done to get your affairs in order?


On a separate note... anyone in UK who knows how to test their SN and how to source other bits needed for SN please P*M me as would like to have it all sorted and board the bus by October latest.


First post here so please reply and be kind x

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Before I go, I'd like to finish reading a few books, and I'd like to finish my own. I believe writing should be short and impactful, so I don't plan on writing an awful lot.

 

[NoPoint280491]

Before I go, I'd like to finish reading a few books, and I'd like to finish my own. I believe writing should be short and impactful, so I don't plan on writing an awful lot.

I wish I had the attention span to read... used to love reading when I was younger. What genre do you write?

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I wish I had the attention span to read... used to love reading when I was younger. What genre do you write?

I love reading many different genres, but for writing, I simply adore symbolism

 

[NoPoint280491]

I love reading many different genres, but for writing, I simply adore symbolism

I feel dumb because I didn't know that was a genre but I hope you get to read and write everything your heart desires before(if) you decide to CTB x

 

[Trav1989]

I honestly own nothing besides a vehicle and I'm planning on just leaving my money at my parents house hidden in their top dresser drawer before I CTB on one final visit. I'm going to leave a long note that is many pages long on my person that I've been working on for quite a while now but going to also leave a short summary on three pages as well for a tl:dr version.

Planning on just driving two+ hours out in the middle of nowhere before walking deep into the woods, finding a nice spot, taking my SN, and calling my ex wife (she never answers my calls) and leaving a short message telling her of my decision to CTB and that I'm sorry for not noticing her mental illnesses as well as I should have which led to things falling apart and me choosing to CTB.

I'm going to just tell her that it's not her fault and I'll wish her the best for her future and not to think about me because I will be in a better place where I won't have to suffer anymore. I will also tell her that that I know she chose to move on without me but I just wasn't strong enough to continue without her.

Simple as that.

Then I'll lay down and just let everything fade away as I pass out for good. I won't mention my method on the message so even if found, the antidote (MB) won't be readily available and I'm going to make sure I'm deep enough in the woods that it will take a long hike (an hour or two) to gather me and take me back to an ambulance but by then I'll be gone but my family will still have a body to recover as the animals wouldn't have got to it in theory.

Just a relatively peaceful ending to a life that was anything but peaceful, I want my last moments to just be me staring at the stars with nobody around on an autumn night.

Would have preferred not to go like this but sometimes life just doesn't go as you expected and it's a better end than most so I can't complain. Sure, it could have been longer but to be fair I checked out over a year ago and have been dealing with depression for nearly two decades.

 

[newjourney]

I've had SN for 2months but been waiting for October as my plan is quite specific. I am planning to do it in the same month I was born. I intend to blow all my savings in the final days and if it doesn't work I'm going to make multiple SN drinks and down them until it does. Tbh if you've got doubts about those sort of things then it could be good news. It might mean there is a world where you can live and be happy. Maybe not but it's a good sign IMO anyways.

In terms of plans, I've booked a hotel to do it in and acquired SN/AE. I've cut ties with friends and most family. Intend to go total ghost in the next few weeks and ignore everything IF I am contacted. Quit my job already. I wanted to visit people or even reach out but thought it might be worse so I decided to stay away. I've written a brief letter about funeral/death arrangements but I don't actually want one and stressed I don't even want a headstone etc. Cremation can be very cheap if you don't do all the other main stuff which seems to be mostly for family anyways, I've never understood that.
All of my stuff is already in storage so this makes it easier. I've written a final letter addressing the main points about the reasoning and emphasised that it was no one's fault/nothing anyone could do etc. I'm still working on actual plans for the final week as I won't know exactly how much money will be available until later this month.

I created a thread a while back so people can write about final hours/days and what they plan to do. You might find it interesting. You can find it here:

What are you doing in your final days/hours?

I've seen a lot of planned actions for how to CTB, but as I now have a plan, I am curious about the last few days/hours and what to actually do. It is quite an important time. Firstly, I've chosen SN as my CTB method, mainly due to the ease of getting the antiemetics and SN. While not ideal it...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[NoPoint280491]

I honestly own nothing besides a vehicle and I'm planning on just leaving my money at my parents house hidden in their top dresser drawer before I CTB on one final visit. I'm going to leave a long note that is many pages long on my person that I've been working on for quite a while now but going to also leave a short summary on three pages as well for a tl:dr version.

Planning on just driving two+ hours out in the middle of nowhere before walking deep into the woods, finding a nice spot, taking my SN, and calling my ex wife (she never answers my calls) and leaving a short message telling her of my decision to CTB and that I'm sorry for not noticing her mental illnesses as well as I should have which led to things falling apart and me choosing to CTB.

I'm going to just tell her that it's not her fault and I'll wish her the best for her future and not to think about me because I will be in a better place where I won't have to suffer anymore. I will also tell her that that I know she chose to move on without me but I just wasn't strong enough to continue without her.

Simple as that.

Then I'll lay down and just let everything fade away as I pass out for good. I won't mention my method on the message so even if found, the antidote (MB) won't be readily available and I'm going to make sure I'm deep enough in the woods that it will take a long hike (an hour or two) to gather me and take me back to an ambulance but by then I'll be gone but my family will still have a body to recover as the animals wouldn't have got to it in theory.

Just a relatively peaceful ending to a life that was anything but peaceful, I want my last moments to just be me staring at the stars with nobody around on an autumn night.

Would have preferred not to go like this but sometimes life just doesn't go as you expected and it's a better end than most so I can't complain. Sure, it could have been longer but to be fair I checked out over a year ago and have been dealing with depression for nearly two decades.

This is sad and beautiful at the same time. I can completely relate to the last sentence as been dealing with MH issues for nearly 2 decades too and checked out mentally last year (had brief bounce back and now worse than I could have ever imagined as I've lost everything.) I also went through a long term relationship breakdown but he was the one who couldn't understand or my MH.


I haven't fully decided on if I will leave a note or the location yet but I have a car so it won't be hard to find somewhere. Think I want to have everything I need to do it first before I begin final arrangements as don't want to raise my hopes and be stuck here disappointed.

I've had SN for 2months but been waiting for October as my plan is quite specific. I am planning to do it in the same month I was born. I intend to blow all my savings in the final days and if it doesn't work I'm going to make multiple SN drinks and down them until it does. Tbh if you've got doubts about those sort of things then it could be good news. It might mean there is a world where you can live and be happy. Maybe not but it's a good sign IMO anyways.

In terms of plans, I've booked a hotel to do it in and acquired SN/AE. I've cut ties with friends and most family. Intend to go total ghost in the next few weeks and ignore everything IF I am contacted. Quit my job already. I wanted to visit people or even reach out but thought it might be worse so I decided to stay away. I've written a brief letter about funeral/death arrangements but I don't actually want one and stressed I don't even want a headstone etc. Cremation can be very cheap if you don't do all the other main stuff which seems to be mostly for family anyways, I've never understood that.
All of my stuff is already in storage so this makes it easier. I've written a final letter addressing the main points about the reasoning and emphasised that it was no one's fault/nothing anyone could do etc. I'm still working on actual plans for the final week as I won't know exactly how much money will be available until later this month.

I created a thread a while back so people can write about final hours/days and what they plan to do. You might find it interesting. You can find it here:

What are you doing in your final days/hours?

I've seen a lot of planned actions for how to CTB, but as I now have a plan, I am curious about the last few days/hours and what to actually do. It is quite an important time. Firstly, I've chosen SN as my CTB method, mainly due to the ease of getting the antiemetics and SN. While not ideal it...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Thank you so much for sharing... I am about to head there now and get lost in the thread. I honestly don't see a way out or back and have been doing so many self destructive things including being signed off from work for months because of my MH despite knowing my job is at risk. I've completely isolated myself from friends and social media/ don't go out except to church and my MH appointments.

 

[Trav1989]

This is sad and beautiful at the same time. I can completely relate to the last sentence as been dealing with MH issues for nearly 2 decades too and checked out mentally last year (had brief bounce back and now worse than I could have ever imagined as I've lost everything.) I also went through a long term relationship breakdown but he was the one who couldn't understand or my MH.


I haven't fully decided on if I will leave a note or the location yet but I have a car so it won't be hard to find somewhere. Think I want to have everything I need to do it first before I begin final arrangements as don't want to raise my hopes and be stuck here disappointed.

Thank you so much for sharing... I am about to head there now and get lost in the thread. I honestly don't see a way out or back and have been doing so many self destructive things including being signed off from work for months because of my MH despite knowing my job is at risk. I've completely isolated myself from friends and social media/ don't go out except to church and my MH appointments.

Funny how we both seem to be similar in age and both chose October to CTB, I guess life just hits hard when your in your 30's and 40's. You've been through enough to know what to expect in life at that point and that the train has already left the station. Yeah, it just feels right to go at this point, Will have been here for 35 years by then which just seems like a great chapter in life to end things on.

Your at the climax of everything and there isn't much left of interest after it and I think we all know how the next chapters go and there isn't much to look forward to. Could have waited until 40 but honestly.. just not interested at all. There just isn't much left for me here anymore other than my aging parents, the more I try to think of things that give me hope for the future the more I realize that there is none.

My survival instinct just left the building and other than my parents there is nothing tying me to this existence.

If anything I'm just looking forward to nothingness or whatever else is next, why hang out in the waiting room when you can just skip the queue and see what the fuss is about?

Everyone is dying to get there anyways.

 

[Anon7b8]

I wish i could have finished a few books, novels, series, and games that interested me. Also, i don't think any of my affairs will be in order. As it would be an impulsive attempt that hopefully succeeds. As my preferred method would be SN, the most i would do would be to drive to a beautiful place near here and listen to some relaxing music or maybe watch one of my favourite movies. It's ironic, but if i go with the last one, the movie I'll be watching would most likely be "Black Beauty"

 

[NoPoint280491]

I think my SN is almost here. Planning to CTB next week whilst my Dad is out of the country... do you have to test the SN... if anyone in the UK has a good amazon link for test trips and any idea where I can get AE... meto isn't available to me

 

[NoPoint280491]

It's here finally!!! The sweet relief. I need to get everything ready I didn't really think it would come. I haven't opened the package yet as need privacy to do that

 

[NoPoint280491]

I am really stuck on the testing aspect. I honestly can't make sense of any of the aquarium tests I've read about and don't have enough SN to waste it... I could try to do the blood test? I don't want this to set me back.

 

[sneab]

I honestly own nothing besides a vehicle and I'm planning on just leaving my money at my parents house hidden in their top dresser drawer before I CTB on one final visit. I'm going to leave a long note that is many pages long on my person that I've been working on for quite a while now but going to also leave a short summary on three pages as well for a tl:dr version.

Planning on just driving two+ hours out in the middle of nowhere before walking deep into the woods, finding a nice spot, taking my SN, and calling my ex wife (she never answers my calls) and leaving a short message telling her of my decision to CTB and that I'm sorry for not noticing her mental illnesses as well as I should have which led to things falling apart and me choosing to CTB.

I'm going to just tell her that it's not her fault and I'll wish her the best for her future and not to think about me because I will be in a better place where I won't have to suffer anymore. I will also tell her that that I know she chose to move on without me but I just wasn't strong enough to continue without her.

Simple as that.

Then I'll lay down and just let everything fade away as I pass out for good. I won't mention my method on the message so even if found, the antidote (MB) won't be readily available and I'm going to make sure I'm deep enough in the woods that it will take a long hike (an hour or two) to gather me and take me back to an ambulance but by then I'll be gone but my family will still have a body to recover as the animals wouldn't have got to it in theory.

Just a relatively peaceful ending to a life that was anything but peaceful, I want my last moments to just be me staring at the stars with nobody around on an autumn night.

Would have preferred not to go like this but sometimes life just doesn't go as you expected and it's a better end than most so I can't complain. Sure, it could have been longer but to be fair I checked out over a year ago and have been dealing with depression for nearly two decades.

Somehow that sounds…nice. The season, the stars. Wish it was easier

 

[uglyugly]

Gotta make arrangements for my animals to all have good homes. Can't and won't do anything until they do.

Not worried about my material possessions and the measly amount of money I may have floating around at the time of death. I frankly don't care about what happens after I leave this world.

That's the extent of my planning. I do, however, intend to eat as much sugar as I want the day I ctb. My body does not process it too well and it almost always makes me sick to my stomach, but if I'm leaving anyhow, why not gorge? I may very well barf my way into oblivion, but at least I'll go happy.

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

I'm waiting for my SN to arrive and I'm confident that I want to CTB. I have shared my Google Photos access with my sister so my family and loved ones have access to my memories etc for my funeral and have chosen my funeral songs... however I haven't written a will or sorted out how they can access my money/savings. There's a part of me that wants to go blow it all and have a stupidly expensive holiday or something else but if I then survive I'm even more fucked.

What are some of your impulsive thoughts or desires before you go/ what have you done to get your affairs in order?


On a separate note... anyone in UK who knows how to test their SN and how to source other bits needed for SN please P*M me as would like to have it all sorted and board the bus by October latest.


First post here so please reply and be kind x

One. Please DM me that link all I find are articles for the man that sold it (and from reading a few articles, it definitely was a rat ) I found one website that was sort of like the requirements for the website. I need some to confirm if it's it... Because sadly it sold out.

And two, I was going to blow my money if leaving America and ctb on a "vacation", but now you got me wanting to save every dime for my sister and ctb where I hate the most... And you know what, for my sister I will wait until my birthday to ctb. That way she only mourns one day as well.

But my birthday is in the summer......soooooooo if I wait that long, this bitch is getting the cheapest flight out and out

 

[NoPoint280491]

So I'm 90% sure tomorrow ill be CTB during the day before my Dad gets back from his trip. I felt so angry today when he suddenly asked me to pick him up from the airport which might obviously not be possible if I'm gone but I'm trying not to get overwhelmed by my usual innate sense of duty.

I can't face being signed off from work for another month or worse being fired because of my long term mental illness. I've isolated myself from all my friends and my ex (our relationship breakdown is a big part of my decision to ctb).


I have felt so hopeless and in physical pain for months just surviving and I can't do it anymore and feel like tomorrow is my best shot. My mom will leave for work early and usually doesn't call me if she thinks I'm going to my CMHTT centre. They're expecting me in but I may make an excuse to not come in as I want my last day to be just for me relaxing before I drink my SN.


I haven't tested as I can't SH so don't know how to draw blood willingly although I missed an opportunity when I injured myself earlier today.


I might use this as my goodbye thread... not much prep. Did take a couple AEs the other day to see how my body reacted but I'll be doing the stat dose method so it's quicker and simpler. Hard part will be fasting, I've eaten what will probably be my last meal now and it was a good one so I'd be content. I've got Rennies for my antacid...and 40g SN which I'm going to split into two classes of 50ml. Not faffing around with scales etc. I taste tested it like a couple granules and it does taste very salty so that's a positive. I just felt all the aquarium testing stuff was too complicated for my foggy brain.


In an ideal world I'd have gone to a hotel to do this but that would require me to book it tonight, check in tomorrow and most likely to get calls from my mom in the evening but surely finding me in my room after work raises less suspicions.. plus if I fail i have more chance of 'recovering' in bed for the evening citing a stomach bug? Idk.



I haven't really got my note written but I will send my account here to my sister and some of my passwords and instructions are for who my money should go to.


It's feeling more and more real and I knew I didn't want to see October... the Christmas cards I saw in the shop the other day triggered me. Everything literally triggers me. I can't even be on social media or see anyone, definitely added social anxiety to my long list of MH issues.


I hope my family will be okay in time, can't even tidy my room, it overwhelms me but least they can just chuck everything in the bin now as I never fully moved back into my parents house. Think I'd started having ideation since then (June) but no official plan.


I've given tried professional help, medication and self medication. I've tried prayer and leaning into my faith and trusting God. And yet I feel no improvement, in fact I feel worse than I ever have in my life. It's impossible to explain just how helpless I feel but I need my family to know this was nothing to do with them. Ultimately I had to help myself and I couldn't.


Not sure how this ramble got here but by this time tomorrow I may no longer be around so may aswell start putting out final thoughts
Just completely a will online and have to wait for a call appointment... I really don't want to drag this out. Can one just write their own will?
Just completely a will online and have to wait for a call appointment... I really don't want to drag this out. Can one just write their own will?
Just completely a will online and have to wait for a call appointment... I really don't want to drag this out. Can one just write their own will?
Just completely a will online and have to wait for a call appointment... I really don't want to drag this out. Can one just write their own will?

 

[NoPoint280491]

I've prepped my meds and told the community team I won't be in today due to my period which is true. I've been drinking albeit I know it's not recommended... I need to go today. My manager sent me an email requesting a meeting due to my continued sick leave and I can't deal. Currently watching Prison Break and looking forward to the long sleep and praying God forgives me and accepts my soul into eternity.



I'm alone.


I wish I wasn't.
So sad, my mom just called but I let her go to vm. I have just taken my 800g ibuprofen. Next up... 30g Prochlorperazine maleate buccal.. then.. yh
Just took 30mg

 

[NoPoint280491]

I'm leaving now I think

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Best of luck on your journey.
(as an aside, I really liked prison break)

 

[AllTheseQuestions]

I relate to a lot of what you have written in this thread.

I hope you are ok, we are all here if you want to talk.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I'm leaving now I think

Are you still with us? If not, I hope you had a peaceful journey.

 

[depthss]

I have about 11 months before I'll be in a position where i can ctb. I've always wanted to write a song. not to put out anywhere or anything. just for fun. but I don't have anything impulsive planned, if i get an impulsive thought, i just do it anyways lol. i dont have any affairs i need to get in order either, it wont matter to me after i ctb

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Before I go, I want my brother to finally be free from this hell of a family. I myself want to finish reading a book my friend recommended me 2 months ago. And hopefully, I wish that friend stops ghosting me and finally replies. I still want her to be on the call with me when I go away, but I think she no longer cares about me, or whatever. Everything's just becoming so fucked up that I want to completly dissapear ASAP. Probably none of those above will happen, and I will just die feeling lonely af, as always tbh.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I hope you found your peace, I'm sorry that you were alone