Before I CTB. Rant #1

[braketimez]

I'm 29 years old, have been battling depression/anxiety for 10 years,
and I never thought I'd be on this forum.

I don't know why I decided to post this.
I'm listening to some music and reflecting on my life--
Perhaps this writing is the first of my "CTB rituals".

Sometimes you get these deep moments of insight
where you're able to see how you've slowly been collapsing
over the course of many years.
As I age, it becomes more and more difficult to learn new things,
love becomes difficult to feel, give, and receive.
Creativity runs dry, and I always feel alone,
no matter how close I stand to you.

If I feel miles away from humanity,
I find no joy in any pastime.
I could probably win the lottery and it wouldn't mean jack shit to me,
because I yearn for social connection.

--Tools in broken hands are Useless--
I feel like such a spoiled piece of shit, to be honest.
My family has always supported me,
I grew up being given everything I wanted,
and I was provided all the tools necessary to live,
but tools in broken hands are useless.

Tools in broken hands are useless.

Tools in broken hands are useless.
And my hands are broken.

--The freedom to live necessitates the freedom to choose to live--
To me, the freedom to live--
a genuine freedom to live, is the freedom to CHOOSE to live.
As these days pass by, this is becoming my mantra.
I'm no longer merely plagued by suicidal thoughts...I am becoming suicidality.
It is becoming a worldview for me.
A philosophy.
Something I can't really escape anymore.

--I think my best friend's death is where this all began--
I had one best friend in college and he died in a car crash.
One year later, I had an existential crisis.
My spiritual beliefs fell apart. I had no idea who I was, or if I was anyone, for that matter.
I became suicidal for the first time in my life,
and I had to build myself up from ground zero.
I took up meditation. I did tons of research to "fix myself".
And I fought for years.
I ended up accomplishing a few of my lifelong dreams...
I sang in a band. I got laid. I traveled. I experimented with drugs.
And then I overdosed by accident.
After that, life got difficult again and all the progress I had made sort of unraveled.
Since then, things have steadily been going downhill.

--My biggest regret is believing I could cure myself in the end--
When I tried to fix such a big problem like mental illness,
I only wound up heartbroken again and again.
I feel like a wind-up toy.
All my efforts to change myself, improve and grow,
are like turning the crank on a wind-up toy...
and for awhile, my efforts pay off.
I sort of launch into temporary momentum
where things start to feel better,
but then my energy eventually runs out.
The wind-up toy is unwound.
Back to square one again.
I feel like I've wasted tons of time pretending to be someone I'm not,
pretending I could change and "heal myself" of this illness.

There's stories out there of people who succeeded,
and those stories kept me going,
but I've come to finally accept the fact that I'm simply not like them.
I'm not one of those people who is strong enough to fight this through to the natural end.
Yes, I am weaker than those people. I fully admit it. I won't pretend I'm "different". I am WEAKER.
I am emotionally weaker. Mentally weaker. And physically weaker. I'm not fit for this life.

I have to think about how CTB will affect other people.
I have to confront that, or else I'll never follow through with it.
If I confront it now, then maybe when I'm about to die, I will have processed it already, and I won't change my mind.

I know that when I CTB, my mother's health could be in great danger.
She has heart troubles already and she is an extremely emotionally sensitive person.
She will be devastated when I am gone. And maybe even have another heart attack.
But the choice to end my life is a choice like any other. It is my own.
I'm just fucking tired.
Tired of fighting.
Tired of trying.
Tired of "reprogramming myself" to enjoy life.
Tired of forcing myself to believe in hope.

Most of all, I'm tired of believing that the will to live is intrinsically dignified.
The will to live is nothing special. It is not worthy of honor.
I'm done finding pride in my ability to "fight" and find my will to live.

Yes. I am weak. I am a coward.
But when I'm surrounded by the enemy,
and all I've got left is a white flag,
the wisest thing to do is to raise it up confidently
and let the wind take me where it will.

 

[Iloveyouall]

That was beautiful. Pretty sad and tragic but beautiful. I don't find it weak to be able to be so honest and conscious about how you feel. It's tough. I wish you won't ctb, especially for what you said about your mother, I'm sorry to make you feel guilt but anyway it is your choice and you seem pretty resolved. I wish you'd find a way to reprogram yourself one last time with a software that would work until your hardware fails naturally. I wish you peace my friend.

 

[braketimez]

That was beautiful. Pretty sad and tragic but beautiful. I don't find it weak to be able to be so honest and conscious about how you feel. It's tough. I wish you won't ctb, especially for what you said about your mother, I'm sorry to make you feel guilt but anyway it is your choice and you seem pretty resolved. I wish you'd find a way to reprogram yourself one last time with a software that would work until your hardware fails naturally. I wish you peace my friend.

Thank you for your kind words. I am pretty resolved, but there's always a chance anything could happen. Yes... perhaps there is some software out there, eh? Maybe I need to update my drivers LOL.

 

[Eridanos]

I really must say that what you wrote really moved me a lot, I wish you the best <3

 

[braketimez]

I really must say that what you wrote really moved me a lot, I wish you the best <3

Thank you. So much.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Man, I relate so much to all of this, with the exception of feeling spoiled and family support. This even reads like something I would write. I also had my time in music, and knew the right people but RA made it to where I can't play music without it flaring up. So, that's gone now too. I wish you the best and hope you find peace in whatever form that comes in. Much love, my friend.

 

[braketimez]

Man, I relate so much to all of this, with the exception of feeling spoiled and family support. This even reads like something I would write. I also had my time in music, and knew the right people but RA made it to where I can't play music without it flaring up. So, that's gone now too. I wish you the best and hope you find peace in whatever form that comes in. Much love, my friend.

I'm glad it resonated with you. I'm really sorry you aren't able to play music anymore due to your RA. That kind of loss is really painful. Thank you for your encouraging words.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I'm glad it resonated with you. I'm really sorry you aren't able to play music anymore due to your RA. That kind of loss is really painful. Thank you for your encouraging words.

It really is a terrible loss. Music was my passion and I was good at it. Really good. Writing songs was my specialty and what I loved most about it. I didn't even care if I made it big or whatever, I just wanted to make enough money that I could get by doing it. That was all. Like I said, I know a lot of people and have good connections so that was a very realistic goal. Not anymore. The thing that really makes it unbearable is that music can be painful to listen to now, as it is a reminder of what I have lost. I could deal with not being able to make a living out of it, but not even being able to play as a hobby and especially barely being able to enjoy listening to it is the real kicker. Sometimes I can, but often times, I have to turn it off and that's the real tragedy in this story. This isn't why I want to die, but it is a rather heavy side note.

 

[braketimez]

It really is a terrible loss. Music was my passion and I was good at it. Really good. Writing songs was my specialty and what I loved most about it. I didn't even care if I made it big or whatever, I just wanted to make enough money that I could get by doing it. That was all. Like I said, I know a lot of people and have good connections so that was a very realistic goal. Not anymore. The thing that really makes it unbearable is that music can be painful to listen to now, as it is a reminder of what I have lost. I could deal with not being able to make a living out of it, but not even being able to play as a hobby and especially barely being able to enjoy listening to it is the real kicker. Sometimes I can, but often times, I have to turn it off and that's the real tragedy in this story. This isn't why I want to die, but it is a rather heavy side note.

Damn. I'm really sorry. Especially if you had the resources at hand to make things happen, I can understand why you feel the way you do. It sounds like you're really talented. It's an ultimate tragedy when our bodies won't fucking cooperate with the dreams of our mind. Can I ask, why is it you want to die then?

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

It's an ultimate tragedy when our bodies won't fucking cooperate with the dreams of our mind.

This. Exactly.
And there are a lot of reasons, really. In short, I've been dealing with severe anxiety for about a decade now which has more or less, ruined my life. While I deal with depression, I honestly feel like it's a natural and rational reaction to how much my anxiety has affected my life. I developed akathisia while on antidepressants and still dealing with it six months later. If you're not familiar with it, people who aren't even suicidal have jumped off buildings and into trains just from getting it. Hell, the Soviets used to induce it in prisoners as a form of torture, if that gives you any idea on how horrifying it is. So it is, literally, torture. At its peak, I lost a good job and benefits, my home, went into debt and had to move in with my father hundreds of miles away from anyone I know. I have several health issues. I have partial seizures that after two decades, have destroyed my memory. Chronic migraines, RA and endometriosis that now affects me everyday. As I get older, I'm finding it more and more difficult to fully take care of myself and I can't stand being a burden. All of this stress and depression has caused pretty severe anhedonia. I find it difficult to even enjoy watching a movie. Lying on my bed in silence, staring at nothing in my dark room has become pretty common or when my akathisia gets bad, pacing in my room. I'm just miserable now, and while I know it's totally possible for things to turn around for me, I also know it's unlikely and I'm simply too exhausted to wait it out any longer.
I guess this wasn't exactly short, but the best I could do.

 

[braketimez]

This. Exactly.
And there are a lot of reasons, really. In short, I've been dealing with severe anxiety for about a decade now which has more or less, ruined my life. While I deal with depression, I honestly feel like it's a natural and rational reaction to how much my anxiety has affected my life. I developed akathisia while on antidepressants and still dealing with it six months later. If you're not familiar with it, people who aren't even suicidal have jumped off buildings and into trains just from getting it. Hell, the Soviets used to induce it in prisoners as a form of torture, if that gives you any idea on how horrifying it is. So it is, literally, torture. At its peak, I lost a good job and benefits, my home, went into debt and had to move in with my father hundreds of miles away from anyone I know. I have several health issues. I have partial seizures that after two decades, have destroyed my memory. Chronic migraines, RA and endometriosis that now affects me everyday. As I get older, I'm finding it more and more difficult to fully take care of myself and I can't stand being a burden. All of this stress and depression has caused pretty severe anhedonia. I find it difficult to even enjoy watching a movie. Lying on my bed in silence, staring at nothing in my dark room has become pretty common or when my akathisia gets bad, pacing in my room. I'm just miserable now, and while I know it's totally possible for things to turn around for me, I also know it's unlikely and I'm simply too exhausted to wait it out any longer.
I guess this wasn't exactly short, but the best I could do.

Oh my goodness. I don't know what to say. I myself am diagnosed with anxiety, but not to the measure you are talking about.

I am familiar with akathisia. I briefly experienced it on an excessive dose of my anti-psychotic, and docs let me know what exactly it was.

For me, it was the feeling that my body was trying to do everything and absolutely nothing at the same time.
And I endlessly paced as I wondered how I could go on if I would wake up every day feeling like that.
It was much different than anxiety, for me at least. Much more intense.
If this is what you experience consistently, please know that I'm terribly sorry.
You not only have lost much of what is valuable to you, but there are clearly dozens of health issues that make it impossible to enjoy life for you.

I appreciate your openness and willingness to be honest, and again...I'm sorry for all the complications you're experiencing. I can't imagine it.

Do you spend most of your time lying down or pacing now then?

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Oh my goodness. I don't know what to say. I myself am diagnosed with anxiety, but not to the measure you are talking about.

I am familiar with akathisia. I briefly experienced it on an excessive dose of my anti-psychotic, and docs let me know what exactly it was.

For me, it was the feeling that my body was trying to do everything and absolutely nothing at the same time.
And I endlessly paced as I wondered how I could go on if I would wake up every day feeling like that.
It was much different than anxiety, for me at least. Much more intense.
If this is what you experience consistently, please know that I'm terribly sorry.
You not only have lost much of what is valuable to you, but there are clearly dozens of health issues that make it impossible to enjoy life for you.

I appreciate your openness and willingness to be honest, and again...I'm sorry for all the complications you're experiencing. I can't imagine it.

Do you spend most of your time lying down or pacing now then?

It depends. When the akathisia is really bad, I have to pace even though I'm so incredibly fatigued that I want nothing more than to sit down. There is both a physical and mental aspect to it and for me, but the mental part is the worst. Physically, there is this relentless need to move. Agonizing restlessness. It's similar to restless leg syndrome but far worse. But it's not just a nagging urge to move and twist my muscles but there is also this, I don't know, unbearable icky burning/tingling pain to it. It's very difficult to describe. It's just.. terribly.. icky. Kind of like scratching a sunburn. Sometimes it's not even so much that I have an actual urge to move like in RLS, but more that moving simply alleviates some of it, therefore, I'm restless because of that. Mentally, it's straight up terror and heartbreak. Extreme bittersweet nostalgia that is just too much to handle. The depression is far worse than any anxiety. I describe it as severe panicky depression. It's not the same as my usual anxiety. Someone else once said, it's like being buried alive and hearing your children being tortured and murdered. This is very accurate. Then when you add the physical sensations, it's just pure torture.
Fortunately, it is no longer constant. It comes in waves and some days are better than others. Mostly because I now take phenibut and kratom and they work to ease it, but since they are addicting and cause dependence, I can't take them every day. But I do get some relief, which is better than none. Usually now, there is only a day or two in a week where I have to endure full on akathisia. It is hell.

 

[braketimez]

It depends. When the akathisia is really bad, I have to pace even though I'm so incredibly fatigued that I want nothing more than to sit down. There is both a physical and mental aspect to it and for me, but the mental part is the worst. Physically, there is this relentless need to move. Agonizing restlessness. It's similar to restless leg syndrome but far worse. But it's not just a nagging urge to move and twist my muscles but there is also this, I don't know, unbearable icky burning/tingling pain to it. It's very difficult to describe. It's just.. terribly.. icky. Kind of like scratching a sunburn. Sometimes it's not even so much that I have an actual urge to move like in RLS, but more that moving simply alleviates some of it, therefore, I'm restless because of that. Mentally, it's straight up terror and heartbreak. Extreme bittersweet nostalgia that is just too much to handle. The depression is far worse than any anxiety. I describe it as severe panicky depression. It's not the same as my usual anxiety. Someone else once said, it's like being buried alive and hearing your children being tortured and murdered. This is very accurate. Then when you add the physical sensations, it's just pure torture.
Fortunately, it is no longer constant. It comes in waves and some days are better than others. Mostly because I now take phenibut and kratom and they work to ease it, but since they are addicting and cause dependence, I can't take them every day. But I do get some relief, which is better than none. Usually now, there is only a day or two in a week where I have to endure full on akathisia. It is hell.

God damn.

Though I will never be able to understand the depths of your pain fully because I'm not you, you have conveyed it clearly. What antidepressants caused this?

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

God damn.

Though I will never be able to understand the depths of your pain fully because I'm not you, you have conveyed it clearly. What antidepressants caused this?

Paroxetine (Paxil). I had horrible brain zaps and dizziness for two months after quitting, but these symptoms paled in comparison to the akathisia. I later found out that paroxetine is one of the worst antidepressants when it comes to withdrawals. It developed while I was taking it, though. It came on suddenly one day after four months of being on it. It took me a while before I realized it was the culprit, when I noticed it greatly intensified about an hour after taking my dose. I thought it would go away after I stopped, but here I am six months later and it's still here. The physical side is very slowly improving more than the mental. It peaked about three months in, which is when I made my unsuccessful suicide attempts by partial hanging. It's not nearly at that level anymore, but hell, even mild akathisia is horrible.

 

[braketimez]

Ah, yes...I've heard bad things about Paxil. I'm glad there has been some improvement. Has there been ANY improvement on the mental side of things?
Yeah...mild akathisia is horrible, for sure. Does physical activity, like biking, help at all? Of course, with the RA and depression, it's probably fucking difficult to move.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Ah, yes...I've heard bad things about Paxil. I'm glad there has been some improvement. Has there been ANY improvement on the mental side of things?
Yeah...mild akathisia is horrible, for sure. Does physical activity, like biking, help at all? Of course, with the RA and depression, it's probably fucking difficult to move.

Yeah, there really has. It's just that it's still at a very unpleasant level so I sometimes forget that it really was far worse about three months ago. Physical activity does help but like you said, it can be very difficult to do. Sometimes the restlessness forces you up though, no matter how badly you just want to lie in bed and it only alleviates it while you're moving. It returns almost immediately upon resting. Ah. Life is just difficult with or without akathisia. I know you feel this too. It straight up sucks that we both are in the pain we are in. It may manifest in different ways for us, but we are both dealing with our own personal hell and I wish this wasn't so. My heart breaks for you as well as my own.

 

[braketimez]

Yeah, there really has. It's just that it's still at a very unpleasant level so I sometimes forget that it really was far worse about three months ago. Physical activity does help but like you said, it can be very difficult to do. Sometimes the restlessness forces you up though, no matter how badly you just want to lie in bed and it only alleviates it while you're moving. It returns almost immediately upon resting. Ah. Life is just difficult with or without akathisia. I know you feel this too. It straight up sucks that we both are in the pain we are in. It may manifest in different ways for us, but we are both dealing with our own personal hell and I wish this wasn't so. My heart breaks for you as well as my own.

I appreciate your empathy, a lot.

I'm about to go to sleep for the night, but it has been great connecting with you.
Indeed, we each have our own personal hell, and it really sucks that it seems to worsen as each day passes.
I hope you find your version of peace, whatever that looks like for you.

Goodnight, friend.