Been trying so hard, but I don't think I can hold on another day.

[CosmicJoke]

I have really been trying to beat this, for my children, but no matter how hard I try, nothing gets better. I finally went to the hospital about 5 months ago, I am going to classes three times a week for five hours a day, I am seeing a psych doctor, seeing a therapist, still nothing has changed. When I was in the hospital I felt good, but once I am back in real everyday life, everything goes back to the way it has always been. This was my last ditch effort. I think today is the day, I am tired of fighting and I am tired of trying, I am exhausted, I have nothing left. I am going out to buy a large sized charcoal grill and a huge bag of charcoal, and go out as peacefully as I can. At this point, my children are better off without me. One is grown and doing very well and has his father, my youngest is young enough, yet old enough she will be okay, she will be with a loving and stable family she has known since birth. They hold a power of attorney so they will get custody of her, the document is iron clad. She will get my SS benefits too, and my other stuff such as property and a little savings, and her Godparents are well off so she will want for nothing. I just hope the method I have chosen works. She is going away for a sleepover tonight, I will leave a note on the front door to call 911 and to not enter. NO one will come until tomorrow afternoon so that should be enough time. I really wanted to live, and I worked so hard at trying to overcome this, but it just didn't work.

 

[Squiddy]

I know how you feel. I'm starting to lose hope as I'm in this partial hospitalization program 5 days a week and nothing is working currently. I'm about ready to give up.

 

[Oyoy]

What would you tell her if she wrote this about your granddaughter? Please don't leave that legacy. Good things happen when you live with integrity. Someone who talks me out of it says not to beat g_d to it and it will happen soon enough and then it's forever so what's the rush. Also G_d is there for the ones in pain and not the perfect people.xoxo please tell us u will.not hurt yourself.

 

[CosmicJoke]

I know how you feel. I'm starting to lose hope as I'm in this partial hospitalization program 5 days a week and nothing is working currently. I'm about ready to give up.

I wish it did work. People who say it works if you work it, don't get it. I have worked it all the way, gave it everything, as I am sure you have too. I know I would love to stay alive, I don't want to die, but what else is there to do?

 

[Girobatol]

What a difficult situation. Can´t imagine how hard is to CTB with siblings as I have none. About doctors and medications, I get worse and more suicidal taking them. But without medications I do all this crazy shit. So seems I don´t have a chance. Been on lithium, depakote, zyprexa, lexapro and ativan and for me is just torture. Hope you find the peace you are searching.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know what it's like to be disappointed by the system. You said that you felt good when you were at the hospital. That's a positive sign that you can get through this, you just need to give yourself time. Give yourself another chance and try again.

And I think you're underestimating how your kids will manage when you're gone. Sure they'll have a home and guardian, but they will miss their Parent. Kids don't care about much except spending time with their parents. Not to mention the trauma that comes with losing a parent. Please think this through.

You have tried hard to overcome this and I applaud you so much for seeking help and trying. You said that you really want to live. I don't think this is the right thing to do. Please give yourself some time and rest. Give yourself another chance and try again.

 

[Squiddy]

I wish it did work. People who say it works if you work it, don't get it. I have worked it all the way, gave it everything, as I am sure you have too. I know I would love to stay alive, I don't want to die, but what else is there to do?

I also would love to stay alive, but I just don't see me getting better. Also on 8 different meds and they work to an extent, but not enough.

 

[seenthelight]

HI CosmicJoke , charcoal is not a good method if unsuccessful it might leave with brain damage. Can you PM me for a chat?

 

[Sensei]

OP, I think you should listen to what angel-of-the-night has to say. That's sound and solid advice if I ever saw any. You're saying that you've been trying to beat this. What is "this" exactly?

 

[seenthelight]

I know I would love to stay alive, I don't want to die, but what else is there to do?

Please CosmicJoke let us understand your pain many people here are desperate like you, you are not alone.

Your problems are your own and we have ours. Let us know what they are, we will not have solutions but unlike your therapists, we are kind in the same boat, thinking that the only solution is the final one.

PM us or post it here. You are not going to be judged. We respect your decision

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey Love..I totally "get" ur pain of just feeling hopeless. I have been there for a while..one thing I will suggest is to stay n talk with us before u make any final decisions. Interestingly enough, I was just on another thread discussing with another member discussing the pain of losing a parent. I lost my amazing dad 3 yrs ago.Then I thought about if I were to lose my mom, that would def b the last straw for me..while ur children may have wealthy godparents, aunts, uncles, whoever, it won't replace u..esp since u sound like a great mom who just needs some help, there is really no replacement for that..doesn't matter how much anyone else who takes care of them after has..plz stick around n reconsider..once u have determined there is no other option n u have exhausted all others, then...we got ur back Mom

 

[CosmicJoke]

HI CosmicJoke , charcoal is not a good method if unsuccessful it might leave with brain damage. Can you PM me for a chat?

I don't know how to private chat.

I don't know how to private chat.

I am getting a really big bag of xharcoal and a relatively biggish grill in a small room, it won't work? I have 26 hours left unbothered.

I don't know how to private chat.

I am getting a really big bag of xharcoal and a relatively biggish grill in a small room, it won't work? I have 26 hours left unbothered.

In a car?

I have really been trying to beat this, for my children, but no matter how hard I try, nothing gets better. I finally went to the hospital about 5 months ago, I am going to classes three times a week for five hours a day, I am seeing a psych doctor, seeing a therapist, still nothing has changed. When I was in the hospital I felt good, but once I am back in real everyday life, everything goes back to the way it has always been. This was my last ditch effort. I think today is the day, I am tired of fighting and I am tired of trying, I am exhausted, I have nothing left. I am going out to buy a large sized charcoal grill and a huge bag of charcoal, and go out as peacefully as I can. At this point, my children are better off without me. One is grown and doing very well and has his father, my youngest is young enough, yet old enough she will be okay, she will be with a loving and stable family she has known since birth. They hold a power of attorney so they will get custody of her, the document is iron clad. She will get my SS benefits too, and my other stuff such as property and a little savings, and her Godparents are well off so she will want for nothing. I just hope the method I have chosen works. She is going away for a sleepover tonight, I will leave a note on the front door to call 911 and to not enter. NO one will come until tomorrow afternoon so that should be enough time. I really wanted to live, and I worked so hard at trying to overcome this, but it just didn't work.

Thank you for all the responses, I really appreciate the kind words.

Please CosmicJoke let us understand your pain many people here are desperate like you, you are not alone.

Your problems are your own and we have ours. Let us know what they are, we will not have solutions but unlike your therapists, we are kind in the same boat, thinking that the only solution is the final one.

PM us or post it here. You are not going to be judged. We respect your decision

I really don't know where to start.

HI CosmicJoke , charcoal is not a good method if unsuccessful it might leave with brain damage. Can you PM me for a chat?

I don't know how to do the private chat.

 

[CosmicJoke]

So, instead of going to the store and buying the charcoal and the grill, I went and bought a bunch of gummy bears and a small bottle of vodka. For some reason, gummy bears make me feel good, and the vodka, because I just want to NOT feel for a little while. Someone asked me what my problems were, I would not even know where to start other than the beginning, which I believe all my mental illness and suicidal ideation started. I have been wanting to and praying for death as far back as I can remember, maybe 5 or 6. My mothers husband, not my bio dad, molested me from 5-15 until I ran away. Then I became a stripper and a drug addict and a alcoholic at 17. fast forward to 27, I sobered up and got pregnant, remained sober for about a year and ended up moving back to the place I ran away from, huge mistake. I then relapsed for 7 years, my son pretty much was with his amazing father for that time, as I didn't want him to be around anything bad, or to see anything. Then I finally sobered up for good about 11 years ago. Thought life was suppossed to get great and I would be all better, but instead, everything I had spent decades numbing came rushing back. I suffer MDD, CPTSD, severe anxiety it is debilitating, and every time I think I am making progress and feel like I can breathe, everything goes to shit. I am in counseling/classes(like in the hospital type classes) trying to get my ESL certificate so I can work from home, but I can't retain any of the information, I ace all my tests, but the next day I can't tell you anything that I learned. I am on SS and section 8, so every day I am scared that will be yanked out from under me and I will be homeless. I deeply regret bringing my beautiful daughter into this world. I love her so much and I am such a good mom, and she loves me more than anything, my entire life is devoted to her. But how the hell am I supossed to prepare her for this world when I can't even bear to live in it. Honestly, had I not been involved with a cult when I got pregnant, I wouldn't have had another child. I can't go a day withoput seeing a child rape victim splashed over the news/social media/etc it is everywhere and I am terrified someone will hurt her like I was hurt. I have not dated since I concieved her because you just never know who the monsters are. I have night terrors of her getting hurt and me not being able to save her. I feel so guilty and selfish for bringing her into such a dark and cold world, I have no family, if it wasn't for her Godparents I am all she has. IDK what else to say. I typed this really fast and I am upset, so sorry if it does not make sense.

 

[seenthelight]

I am getting a really big bag of xharcoal and a relatively biggish grill in a small room, it won't work? I have 26 hours left unbothered.

it might work. It is a risk, but probabilities are against you, most likely you will pass out. Neighbors, fire alarms will quick in, emergency will come to save you and put you in another hospital that will not help you
Many thanks for opening up. It seems you got the worse life can bring. You are a fighter you tried and conquered some of your daemons, sobering up is something hreally hard to do and you did it.

 

[CosmicJoke]

To Seen The Light I tried to answer your pm but when I tried to submit my reply, it said error the server didn't respond in time, or something like that.

it might work. It is a risk, but probabilities are against you, most likely you will pass out. Neighbors, fire alarms will quick in, emergency will come to save you and put you in another hospital that will not help you
Many thanks for opening up. It seems you got the worse life can bring. You are a fighter you tried and conquered some of your daemons, sobering up is something hreally hard to do and you did it.

Even as bad as I feel I have not thought about the drugs, I endeed up moving up north almost 9 years ago. When I moved I made a commitment that I was going to change everything. The kind of people I let into my life, I don't bartend anymore, I don't drink anymore, well, until tonight anyways. But even if I wanted to get high I would not know anyone or any place to get it. I have always been too paranoid and scared to like just walk up to people on the street to get drugs. When I did them it was my fri3ends who were my dealers, and I hate drugs, it stole my youth. Im glad I am not back home, because I would probably be getting high and not being a good mom. All my friends now, all 7 of them lol, never even done drugs or drink or smoke lol.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Goodness! U have been thru so much n r still here! I really n truly admire ur strength! Some r unable to go thru a fraction of what u have. Wow! U can def right a book..once again, I admire ur strength! Sending u love!

 

[CosmicJoke]

Am I doing something wrong? How come it won't let me private chat?

 

[seenthelight]

OK, as the message said I am also a newbie here.
The staff has already called my attention towards the guilty-trip, the suffering it would bring to your daughters - ignore that.
I don't know how to help you. I believe you have been through many trained people and discussed the life you had. It seems they didn't help you.
Do you think you might use your experience and the rubbish support you receive to let other people in your position know about all that does not work?

 

[Ghost2211]

It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into trying to want to be alive. In the end that is all we can really do. I know how you feel. It sucks when all help doesn't help.

 

[CosmicJoke]

OK, as the message said I am also a newbie here.
The staff has already called my attention towards the guilty-trip, the suffering it would bring to your daughters - ignore that.
I don't know how to help you. I believe you have been through many trained people and discussed the life you had. It seems they didn't help you.
Do you think you might use your experience and the rubbish support you receive to let other people in your position know about all that does not work?

I would love to help others, but unfortunately I would not know how to do that, I can't even help myself.

It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into trying to want to be alive. In the end that is all we can really do. I know how you feel. It sucks when all help doesn't help.

That is the thing no one knows how to help me, I don't even know if there is anything anyone can do or say. The childhood trauma shaped every single thing in my life, my thoughts, how I view the world, how I view myself, I can't trust anything even if I try. I have tried everything. NO meds work, most make me worse, or make me sleep all the time. Talking bout it does not make anything better. IDK

 

[seenthelight]

I would love to help others, but unfortunately I would not know how to do that, I can't even help myself.

believe it or not, showing others everything you tried and didn't help, it is helping others.
You have a wealth of experience (unfortunately bad ones), if you go they will be lost

 

[CosmicJoke]

it might work. It is a risk, but probabilities are against you, most likely you will pass out. Neighbors, fire alarms will quick in, emergency will come to save you and put you in another hospital that will not help you
Many thanks for opening up. It seems you got the worse life can bring. You are a fighter you tried and conquered some of your daemons, sobering up is something hreally hard to do and you did it.

I disconnected the carbon monoxide detector and the smoke alarms, but IDK now I am feeling like I am going to keep trying, for my precious daughter. I am giving myself until my birthday June 21st. If nothing changes, then I am out.

I disconnected the carbon monoxide detector and the smoke alarms, but IDK now I am feeling like I am going to keep trying, for my precious daughter. I am giving myself until my birthday June 21st. If nothing changes, then I am out.

Thank you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

1. Have you researched the method sufficiently so that you know what you are doing and have confidence? As an alternate suggestion, perhaps use this time to buy the supplies, research the method, and start working with the supplies to test and prepare.

2. You are already prepared for your child's future care and support. Well done!

3. You need something to get you through so that you don't resort to old methods like drugs and drink. Working on 1 above will give you something to focus on, keep you active and engaged.

Those are my thoughts with intentions to be supportive in your struggle.

 

[CosmicJoke]

Hey Love..I totally "get" ur pain of just feeling hopeless. I have been there for a while..one thing I will suggest is to stay n talk with us before u make any final decisions. Interestingly enough, I was just on another thread discussing with another member discussing the pain of losing a parent. I lost my amazing dad 3 yrs ago.Then I thought about if I were to lose my mom, that would def b the last straw for me..while ur children may have wealthy godparents, aunts, uncles, whoever, it won't replace u..esp since u sound like a great mom who just needs some help, there is really no replacement for that..doesn't matter how much anyone else who takes care of them after has..plz stick around n reconsider..once u have determined there is no other option n u have exhausted all others, then...we got ur back Mom

Thank you for the kindness, it means a lot.
Thank you everyone, I am not going to hurt myself tonight. Like I said before, I don't want to die. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Thank you for the kindness, it means a lot.
Thank you everyone, I am not going to hurt myself tonight. Like I said before, I don't want to die. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

Is there anything that u enjoy doing that can possibly take ur mind off of what's going on n lift ur spirits? Any friends or social life? Im a doctoral student so doing my school work kinda keeps my mind occupied all day. Otherwise I'm sure I would spend my day in bed crying..if I stay busy I'm not able to do that.to much pressure n deadlines with school work..what do u like to do?

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I think the recovery industry is so unfair to sell the tale of a better life while you're getting clean. What everyone needs to know, as you have already found out, is that the crap you left behind will wait for you. I'm so, so sorry that you've had to experience this. You have incredible strength. That you are still able to think of your children just shows what kind of great stuff you're made of.

I'm glad you're going to hang on. There are tons of cool people here and, and as a bunch, we're a supportive lot.

Feel free to keep sharing. We'll listen.

 

[CosmicJoke]

Is there anything that u enjoy doing that can possibly take ur mind off of what's going on n lift ur spirits? Any friends or social life? Im a doctoral student so doing my school work kinda keeps my mind occupied all day. Otherwise I'm sure I would spend my day in bed crying..if I stay busy I'm not able to do that.to much pressure n deadlines with school work..what do u like to do?

IDk justbeing a mom and making my little girl smile and be happy, makes me feel better. Can't focus on school work I try just doesant happen.

IDk justbeing a mom and making my little girl smile and be happy, makes me feel better. Can't focus on school work I try just doesant happen.

I am purchasing a camera to start photography which has beena little secret dream of mine.

I think the recovery industry is so unfair to sell the tale of a better life while you're getting clean. What everyone needs to know, as you have already found out, is that the crap you left behind will wait for you. I'm so, so sorry that you've had to experience this. You have incredible strength. That you are still able to think of your children just shows what kind of great stuff you're made of.

I'm glad you're going to hang on. There are tons of cool people here and, and as a bunch, we're a supportive lot.

Feel free to keep sharing. We'll listen.

Thank you, you all definitely played a part in saving my life tonight. Bevause I was really ready to do it. Now, I feel like I can't give up, I have a little girl that needs me and she didn't ask to be born. I can't let her down.

 

[Lostandfound7]

OK if baby girl makes u happy, then just keep focusing on her! Enjoy every waking moment with her..I lost my baby yrs ago (part of my depression) n would do absolutely anything to have one now..Enjoy her my luv.She is truly a blessing

 

[CosmicJoke]

OK if baby girl makes u happy, then just keep focusing on her! Enjoy every waking moment with her..I lost my baby yrs ago (part of my depression) n would do absolutely anything to have one now..Enjoy her my luv.She is truly a blessing

Thank you, sorry for your loss.
I am going to go for a walk and hopefully see the full moon. Thank you all so much, you saved me for another day on this earth. Scary to think I was so close, I don't think anyone really wants to die, they just don't want to be in pain anymore.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Ty..So happy that we can b here to walk u thru this overwhelmingly difficult n despairing time in ur life...we all need help..Enjoy the moon n b safe