xLosthopex
Tell my dogs I love them
- May 29, 2020
- 1,135
So a few days ago I was in hospital for complications due to my severe anorexia, and I was told by doctors that I could literally go into cardiac arrest at any moment, this is due to chronic hypokalemia which is just getting progressively worse and I'm refusing to go back into inpatient treatment as I cannot cope with gaining weight, I don't want to recover from my eating disorder and I always end up inevitably relapsing anyway so it's pointless.
My eating disorder is the only thing keeping me alive(mentally speaking) right now so I can't decide if I should just wait for this to kill me or ctb with my N which I bought last year...
I can see pros and cons with both of these methods
With N obviously it's considered the most peaceful of methods, but I have concerns about possibly vomiting(domperidone is the antiemetic I'd be using), and fucking up and being left a vegetable or something(although I've not heard of this happening in relation to N but it's still a fear I can't seem to shake), also having to overcome SI in order to drink it is another obstacle.... whereas if I just wait for my anorexia to kill me I won't have to overcome SI and I believe cardiac arrest is a pretty quick death too... but I also don't really like not being in control, if that makes sense, like I kind of want to determine exactly when I die
But as I said my eating disorder is really the only thing in my life that I'm living for at the moment, the enjoyment I get from losing weight/being skinny and the sick pleasure I get from binging and purging, also every time I think about drinking my N I think about how I want to get back down to my lowest weight so that when I die people will hopefully remember me that way (I know, eating disorders are messed up!)
I really don't know what to do... I hate being stuck in this constant limbo but I'm so indecisive
My eating disorder is the only thing keeping me alive(mentally speaking) right now so I can't decide if I should just wait for this to kill me or ctb with my N which I bought last year...
I can see pros and cons with both of these methods
With N obviously it's considered the most peaceful of methods, but I have concerns about possibly vomiting(domperidone is the antiemetic I'd be using), and fucking up and being left a vegetable or something(although I've not heard of this happening in relation to N but it's still a fear I can't seem to shake), also having to overcome SI in order to drink it is another obstacle.... whereas if I just wait for my anorexia to kill me I won't have to overcome SI and I believe cardiac arrest is a pretty quick death too... but I also don't really like not being in control, if that makes sense, like I kind of want to determine exactly when I die
But as I said my eating disorder is really the only thing in my life that I'm living for at the moment, the enjoyment I get from losing weight/being skinny and the sick pleasure I get from binging and purging, also every time I think about drinking my N I think about how I want to get back down to my lowest weight so that when I die people will hopefully remember me that way (I know, eating disorders are messed up!)
I really don't know what to do... I hate being stuck in this constant limbo but I'm so indecisive