Venting Been on this site since August 2018

[BaconCheeseburger]

I'm just too weak to CTB. Fucking useless at it. I joined the day before my friend CTB after years of trying herself.

I've seen people come and go. News stories flash in and out. It hurts starting to recognise usernames and then they're gone whilst I'm still stuck being alive.

I lose my flat in August. All because I broke up with my ex as I don't love him anymore. I could have carried on lying to him and to myself to enjoy a cushy lifestyle with a gorgeous flat, mediocre sex and meals made for me. But no: i was honest and now I'm throwing this all away. The tenancy ends in August.

I just viewed the most hideous flat that I'd rather hang myself in than anything else. Would make a great crime scene.

I joke at work about how when I die noone will have a clue how to run my department (which consists of only me) and I bought a DIY will from the shops the other day and jokingly told the cashier I'd include her in it for her kindness. I think she was quite taken aback and I enjoyed the shock factor.

I just want to drop dead but I guess I'm either too fucking lazy or just plain stupid. I've been using this site on and off for so long. It's embarrassing.

I'm currently stealing my ex's razor blades to cut myself with. I sleep in the bedroom and he has an air mattress in the living room. I feel like a horrible human being.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey sweetie..I commend u for being honest with ur bf n for not leading him on, as that would b the "secure" thing to do.

Can u take between now n august to look for another spot, besides the "crime scene".?..lol. U still have a bit of time...

Ur not at all horrible for being so honest regarding ur feelings towards him..

 

[Surgeon]

You should be proud you've survived longer than anticipated.
You sound like a functioning human, you have a job and nice apartment.
Little wins.
I can relate with the relationship i feel guilty dragging somebody along on this shit show that will end in flames and probably scar another person but the convenience of having her around was too nice.
I've told her there's no love left too and we'll be splitting paths so i really do relate to your situation.

If you're cutting for some kind of relief i understand but it's really not a nice method and have scars on my wrists i regret.
Hoping your situation gets better or you find peace. It's an ugly feeling but try not to panic.

 

[ScornedStoic]

How can you have a bf and still be suicidal

 

[TAW122]

I'm an old time member as well, joined near the end of August 2018. Yes, it sucks to see people come and go, in fact, one of the people I've grown close to over the previous year is no longer on, I presumed he CTB'd or just quit the site altogether (referring to @TiredHorse) and also @Threads is one of the people who I remember fondly. I'm sorry that you are suffering a lot and I wished I had some helpful advice to give you but sadly I don't. I will send hugs your way though and wish you peace in the coming months.

 

[Lostandfound7]

How can you have a bf and still be suicidal

VERY easy! Even a husband..Sometimes they're even the one to push u over the edge ..lol..smh

 

[lostangel]

How can you have a bf and still be suicidal

I see where you're coming from as you think having ''x'' you will be happy and everything will be good. But just because you have a bf doesn't mean he can fix you or your problems.

 

[Jean4]

Awww. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I'm here if you want to talk.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think it's commendable that you were honest with your bf and ended it. That shows real strength of character. Many wouldn't have done that.
I lost my home recently and living in a shitty place that I hate.
I hope you can find somewhere better, it can make all the difference.
I've been here too long and seen so many pass on also. Survival instinct doesn't make you weak, just human.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

How can you have a bf and still be suicidal

Not OP but I want to say a relationship by itself doesn't equal happiness. I had a bf who was abusive and that made my suicidal feelings worse. A healthy, loving, understanding, and respectful relationship might make me happy and postpone suicide but it's been on my mind since 14. A relationship in and of itself won't get rid of the feeling.

 

[Indieblue]

How can you have a bf and still be suicidal

Sometimes suicidal people have a boyfriend or girlfriend I did too. I could have carried on too, lying how i love him, but i couldn't. So i broke up with him, too.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Damn that was a well-written post. I respected the personal integrity, I laughed twice at the gallows humor, I cringed, I felt the sadness and despair.

It's inappropriate to applaud. But from one writer to another: Whew. Damn. Bra-fucking-vo. And a big hug.

 

[s1mplem3]

I understand, I also feel like I'm stuck being alive.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Never be embarrassed for how long you've been on this website. Everyone is living their life at their own individual pace, and on their own terms.

 

[ScornedStoic]

I see where you're coming from as you think having ''x'' you will be happy and everything will be good. But just because you have a bf doesn't mean he can fix you or your problems.

That's not what I think.

 

[crazy1]

I think it's a good think that you've been honest if you don't love him anymore, it's better than just leading him on and can you ever be happy if your in a relationship were you don't even love the other person so maybe it's a good thing. I also don't think it's a bad thing at all that your still here after that long, everyone lives there own life with there own timeline, I've only just started on here and who knows if I'll be alive in a few years but I hope I'll see it as a good thing that I'm still fighting if I am.

 

[lostangel]

That's not what I think.

Ok. In time you'll see.

 

[ScornedStoic]

Ok. In time you'll see.

You clearly have no idea wat I meant or even what I said.

 

[Death.]

There is no shame in admitting that you are cowardice and lack the backbone and fortitude to successfully kill your life. This is not a game for children, my dear.

 

[Largeletters]

You are not a horrible human being, let me just say. A horrible human being does not worry about being a horrible human being.

I understand being too "weak," or feeling that way, at least.

 

[Istanbulite]

I'm just too weak to CTB. Fucking useless at it. I joined the day before my friend CTB after years of trying herself.

I've seen people come and go. News stories flash in and out. It hurts starting to recognise usernames and then they're gone whilst I'm still stuck being alive.

I lose my flat in August. All because I broke up with my ex as I don't love him anymore. I could have carried on lying to him and to myself to enjoy a cushy lifestyle with a gorgeous flat, mediocre sex and meals made for me. But no: i was honest and now I'm throwing this all away. The tenancy ends in August.

I just viewed the most hideous flat that I'd rather hang myself in than anything else. Would make a great crime scene.

I joke at work about how when I die noone will have a clue how to run my department (which consists of only me) and I bought a DIY will from the shops the other day and jokingly told the cashier I'd include her in it for her kindness. I think she was quite taken aback and I enjoyed the shock factor.

I just want to drop dead but I guess I'm either too fucking lazy or just plain stupid. I've been using this site on and off for so long. It's embarrassing.

I'm currently stealing my ex's razor blades to cut myself with. I sleep in the bedroom and he has an air mattress in the living room. I feel like a horrible human being.

Killing one's self is hard. We are wired that way. Don't be too hard on yourself.