Been on hiatus but back to vent

[CaliCatCharlie]

I'm back because my method of coping such as being in a fairytale in my own mind is dwindling because the reality of everything has been hitting me really fuckin' hard. I got back in contact with my father who's in prison about a month ago and got answers to questions I just didn't want to be true. My dad never left because he didn't like me. He was never in my life because my mom didn't like him. Everything she told me about him was a lie and was just her projecting what she felt about us onto him. Though while my father is not at fault for any of that and I forgave him, it just bothers me that he never really fought hard for me or my three siblings. He tells us he loved us but he went and just started a whole new family and we were practically forgotten until he went to jail. So I'm extremely upset and angered at that. All of this has really added on to everything else.

Aside from all of that no things have changed and everything just gets worse and worse and it's like there's no fuckin' end to it. I'm stressed out everyday, I can't sleep, I can't eat and keeping up with my basic hygiene is even hard for me. I'm so alone in all of this it just weighs on me. NO ONE EVER WANTS TO LISTEN TO ME, SPEAK TO ME OR ANYTHING ELSE OF THE SORT! I'M JUST SOME FUCKING NOBODY TO EVERYONE! I don't understand why people treat me like I'm trash and just some easy thing to fuckin' discard and leave in the dirt. I've been ostracized by everyone, including my own family. I just feel so terribly alone. People who say they're there for me just really aren't. I get lied to all the time! There's no light at the end of my tunnel. I just wish I had someone to be there for me and make me feel less alone but that would be naive of me to believe such a thing. I feel like nothing will make me better except CTB. I grew up with no one ever really wanting me and it's really shot my self-esteem to non-existent. I just really want to feel wanted and like I'm important too but I don't think that'll ever happen. I don't even know why my parents had me if they didn't like each other. It's very selfish in the end because now I'm left with a multitude of mental and health problems. I can't wait to CTB so I can escape this shit once and for all. I've had enough of it all.

 

[Julgran]

I'm back because my method of coping such as being in a fairytale in my own mind is dwindling because the reality of everything has been hitting me really fuckin' hard. I got back in contact with my father who's in prison about a month ago and got answers to questions I just didn't want to be true. My dad never left because he didn't like me. He was never in my life because my mom didn't like him. Everything she told me about him was a lie and was just her projecting what she felt about us onto him. Though while my father is not at fault for any of that and I forgave him, it just bothers me that he never really fought hard for me or my three siblings. He tells us he loved us but he went and just started a whole new family and we were practically forgotten until he went to jail. So I'm extremely upset and angered at that. All of this has really added on to everything else.

Aside from all of that no things have changed and everything just gets worse and worse and it's like there's no fuckin' end to it. I'm stressed out everyday, I can't sleep, I can't eat and keeping up with my basic hygiene is even hard for me. I'm so alone in all of this it just weighs on me. NO ONE EVER WANTS TO LISTEN TO ME, SPEAK TO ME OR ANYTHING ELSE OF THE SORT! I'M JUST SOME FUCKING NOBODY TO EVERYONE! I don't understand why people treat me like I'm trash and just some easy thing to fuckin' discard and leave in the dirt. I've been ostracized by everyone, including my own family. I just feel so terribly alone. People who say they're there for me just really aren't. I get lied to all the time! There's no light at the end of my tunnel. I just wish I had someone to be there for me and make me feel less alone but that would be naive of me to believe such a thing. I feel like nothing will make me better except CTB. I grew up with no one ever really wanting me and it's really shot my self-esteem to non-existent. I just really want to feel wanted and like I'm important too but I don't think that'll ever happen. I don't even know why my parents had me if they didn't like each other. It's very selfish in the end because now I'm left with a multitude of mental and health problems. I can't wait to CTB so I can escape this shit once and for all. I've had enough of it all.

Welcome back, even though it's not a happy reunion for you. You are not a nobody to this community, at least.

Do you feel some relief in finding out the truth about your father..? It sounds like a really sad history, but what has already happened can't be changed, of course.

Are you living with your mother now, or do you have a place of your own?

 

[CaliCatCharlie]

Welcome back, even though it's not a happy reunion for you. You are not a nobody to this community, at least.

Do you feel some relief in finding out the truth about your father..? It sounds like a really sad history, but what has already happened can't be changed, of course.

Are you living with your mother now, or do you have a place of your own?

No, I live with some friends. My mom died in 2019. After she died a lot of negative realizations and things just surfaced. Can't say I feel relief in regards to my father.
Good to know I'm not a nobody in this community.

 

[Julgran]

No, I live with some friends. My mom died in 2019. After she died a lot of negative realizations and things just surfaced. Can't say I feel relief in regards to my father.
Good to know I'm not a nobody in this community.

I see.

Do I understand it correctly that various other things - other than the situation surrounding your immediate family - are also bothering you? It's definitely not easy living with constant stress. You have probably gone through this in your own mind thousands of times, but could your friends help you out with some of those things that are bothering you - or are those realizations, that you describe, ghosts from the past?

 

[FuneralCry]

It does seem as though life is just endless problems and misery with no relief from suffering. I'm sorry that you have to endure so much. To me, it is terrible the way that many people treat others. Some people really are so cruel and I know that it is hard to carry on when all you want is to leave. Best wishes.

 

[blue_muse]

I hear you. It sounds like you're giving life your best shot. But; if you're constantly getting lemons when you want oranges, then I think you know the answer to your problems .