becoming severely agitated since decided to ctb

[emma99]

I'm not sure if other people have experienced this but I will do my best to explain.

I discovered that obtaining all the necessary equipment for the inert gas method using Nitrogen
brought about a level of Europa which i haven't experience in a long time.

I first bought the wrong regulator, then I discovered I needed a converter thread so that I could
fit a regulator onto the nitrogen.

I tried ordering some SCBA apparatus only to discover that a bag would suffix.
And now that I have acquired all the necessary equipment I have found my mood slump back
into the dark place which it had previously been at.

My anxiety has gone through the roof.
Im constantly in fear that i might get hit by a car
or that someone is going to break into my house
and discover the nitrogen tanks and paraphernalia

Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

If you truly want to end it, you wouldn't be this anxious - why would you be?

Personally, I wouldn't go through with it as I reckon your body is telling you this. And once you're dead, you can't come back from that mistake

Listen to your body. Our gut instinct is SO important. We should never ignore it - it is there for a reason

 

[emma99]

If you truly want to end it, you wouldn't be this anxious - why would you be?

I don't agree that its a sign i don't want it.
And without sounding like I'm trying to justify
my reasons or where my heart is in this.

My anxiety usually gets bad to the point that
my mind creates stories to accompany the anxiety

 

[CantDoIt]

I think it's completely normal to feel agitated. We are programmed to avoid death, and everyone has a different reaction. There are many circumstances which lead to the decision which can cause anxiety. People who have 'backed themselves into' ctb and feel regret, people with mental illnesses like anxiety and BPD, people with a strong SI, and people who are very calm and self-assured.

 

[emma99]

I think it's completely normal to feel agitated. We are programmed to avoid death, and everyone has a different reaction. There are many circumstances which lead to the decision which can cause anxiety. People who have 'backed themselves into' ctb and feel regret, people with mental illnesses like anxiety and BPD, people with a strong SI, and people who are very calm and self-assured.

Whenever I see people use the term 'SI' I always get confused. I know they mean Survival instincts, but I always read as "Suicidal ideation"

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I don't agree that its a sign i don't want it.
And without sounding like I'm trying to justify
my reasons or where my heart is in this.

My anxiety usually gets bad to the point that
my mind creates stories to accompany the anxiety

You asked, so I gave my opinion. I didn't say you had to justify anything, that's weird to even imply I did.

You said you are constantly scared you're going to get hit by a car, but yet.. you want to kill yourself? That is definitely not rational thinking, hence why I said you evidently don't want to do it, and rushing into it isn't good. But sure, you know best.

Although, I'm not sure why you would ask, if you're SO sure, you wouldn't need to, because you would be set on the decision you made for yourself without the input of others.

You shouldn't need others input when it comes to that, it is your decision and yours only, and you would know if you don't want it or do - perhaps you needed validation from others that are in the same mindset, who knows. Hopefully you have achieved that, and you feel a lot better now.

You seem confused and in two minds. Sometimes it's better to see an outsiders point of view, which you did ask for, you just don't like the fact that I don't agree - it is the Internet - not everyone that is suicidal is going to tell you it is the right decision when you are evidently displaying signs of indecisiveness.

Suicide is permanent and not a decision you should be taking lightly. I was merely stating this, nothing else.

Don't ask for an opinion if you don't want the honest truth.

You cannot expect every single suicidal person to think the same as you, we are not all going to tell you to kill yourself at the drop of a hat, when you are anxious about it - pretty sure that's the definition of feeling unsure about a decision

All the best in whatever you decide

 

[turnip]

Whenever I see people use the term 'SI' I always get confused. I know they mean Survival instincts, but I always read as "Suicidal ideation"

I always think it's self-injury haha

I also feel anxious a lot about ctb. But, for me at least, it's the same feeling I had in the week leading up to me leaving my ex. I knew it was going to hurt me and other people. Our cats would lose a parent. Timing, logistics. Leaving was the correct decision, I knew that, but that in itself feels kind of awful, right?

I don't know what's right for you one way or another but I think there are millions of reasons to feel anxious about a major, irreversible decision with no confirmed outcome.

 

[emma99]

You asked, so I gave my opinion. I didn't say you had to justify anything, that's weird to even imply I did.

You said you are constantly scared you're going to get hit by a car, but yet.. you want to kill yourself? That is definitely not rational thinking, hence why I said you evidently don't want to do it, and rushing into it isn't good. But sure, you know best.

Although, I'm not sure why you would ask, if you're SO sure, you wouldn't need to, because you would be set on the decision you made for yourself without the input of others.

You shouldn't need others input when it comes to that, it is your decision and yours only, and you would know if you don't want it or do - perhaps you needed validation from others that are in the same mindset, who knows. Hopefully you have achieved that, and you feel a lot better now.

You seem confused and in two minds. Sometimes it's better to see an outsiders point of view, which you did ask for, you just don't like the fact that I don't agree - it is the Internet - not everyone that is suicidal is going to tell you it is the right decision when you are evidently displaying signs of indecisiveness.

Suicide is permanent and not a decision you should be taking lightly. I was merely stating this, nothing else.

Don't ask for an opinion if you don't want the honest truth.

You cannot expect every single suicidal person to think the same as you, we are not all going to tell you to kill yourself at the drop of a hat, when you are anxious about it - pretty sure that's the definition of feeling unsure about a decision

All the best in whatever you decide

my fear is being prevented to ctb by some miraculous intervention.
Getting hit by a car could lead me to a months long hospitalisation.
A break in could mean the stealing of my equipment which would drastically disrupt my plans.
This may not of been clear in my opening post.
and my examples may of taken focus away from the question.

Another thing is that I failed my last attempt which given that
overall things didn't get better and have actually gotten worse.

It may be fear that I will fail again, and be forced to endure further suffering.