Empty Smile
The final Bell has rung. Goodbye to all.
- Jul 13, 2018
- 1,785
I was released a few hours ago from the mental unit of my local hospital after spending 7 days there. The first day, which was last Sunday, was spent in the ER, followed by 6 days in the mental section.
My plan last week was to leave, drive several hours to my planned location, hike into the woods, and carry out my plan.
Unfortunately, after last posting here, I took a nosedive, and started drinking. I had so much emotion going through me that day, that I decided to drink a beer before I left. That went from one beer to a six pack, then on to whiskey. At some point, I got into the benadryl and started popping a couple pills every few minutes.
After I got started on the whiskey, everything started fading out, and I don't remember probably 95% of the shit I did. The only thing I know is, when I woke up, a nurse had just inserted an IV into my right arm, and they were putting wires on my chest, and of course, my left wrist was handcuffed to the bed rail. I was then fed that nasty ass liquid charcoal, and puked my fucking brains out.
My brother had found me laying on the floor, found empty benadryl packets, and the half empty whiskey bottle laying next to me, and called 911.
After being in the ER for most the night, the moved me to the unit, where I was grilled over and over about my suicide attempt. It was not a very peaceful first 48 hours in there.
I played stupid from the get go. They asked me repeatedly, the same questions over and over. I guess they were hoping I would change my story, or fuck up and admit it was an attempt.
The most asked question was why I was trying to kill myself. I gave the same answer each time, "I wasn't trying too."
When asked about the benadryl, I said I don't remember taking any pills, and if I did take them, I don't know why I did.
After the constant barrage of questions, they finally had a doctor come in and talk to me. She asked questions, I lied my ass off.....
She asked if I was having suicidal thoughts before I started drinking, I told her no, I never ever thought about suicide.
She asked about my life situation, job, dating, and anything that could be upsetting me. I told her I was content the way my life was going, I wasn't dating and I was happy I was single, I love my job, and nothing was upsetting me, except for that I was being held at a mental unit and not knowing why. She then explained what was found at home, and saying that mixing benadryl with strong alcohol is a recipe for death, and that I should be thankful my brother found me(fuck you brother).
Yesterday morning(Saturday), I was talking to the doctor, and she said that after talking with her other "colleagues", it was determined that for some reason, my brain rewired itself, also known as a chemical imbalance of the brain(as she put it), and caused me to become confused as to what I was doing. They then determined that I was safe from self harm, and that the chemical imbalance was the cause of my "temporary insanity", and that I would be released from custody.
Being there has just made me more determined to do this.
Fuck I am so miserable right now. I have been up and down on emotions, and though I never cry, I have been on the verge of it since I've been home.
But anyway, I'm baaaaaack......
My plan last week was to leave, drive several hours to my planned location, hike into the woods, and carry out my plan.
Unfortunately, after last posting here, I took a nosedive, and started drinking. I had so much emotion going through me that day, that I decided to drink a beer before I left. That went from one beer to a six pack, then on to whiskey. At some point, I got into the benadryl and started popping a couple pills every few minutes.
After I got started on the whiskey, everything started fading out, and I don't remember probably 95% of the shit I did. The only thing I know is, when I woke up, a nurse had just inserted an IV into my right arm, and they were putting wires on my chest, and of course, my left wrist was handcuffed to the bed rail. I was then fed that nasty ass liquid charcoal, and puked my fucking brains out.
My brother had found me laying on the floor, found empty benadryl packets, and the half empty whiskey bottle laying next to me, and called 911.
After being in the ER for most the night, the moved me to the unit, where I was grilled over and over about my suicide attempt. It was not a very peaceful first 48 hours in there.
I played stupid from the get go. They asked me repeatedly, the same questions over and over. I guess they were hoping I would change my story, or fuck up and admit it was an attempt.
The most asked question was why I was trying to kill myself. I gave the same answer each time, "I wasn't trying too."
When asked about the benadryl, I said I don't remember taking any pills, and if I did take them, I don't know why I did.
After the constant barrage of questions, they finally had a doctor come in and talk to me. She asked questions, I lied my ass off.....
She asked if I was having suicidal thoughts before I started drinking, I told her no, I never ever thought about suicide.
She asked about my life situation, job, dating, and anything that could be upsetting me. I told her I was content the way my life was going, I wasn't dating and I was happy I was single, I love my job, and nothing was upsetting me, except for that I was being held at a mental unit and not knowing why. She then explained what was found at home, and saying that mixing benadryl with strong alcohol is a recipe for death, and that I should be thankful my brother found me(fuck you brother).
Yesterday morning(Saturday), I was talking to the doctor, and she said that after talking with her other "colleagues", it was determined that for some reason, my brain rewired itself, also known as a chemical imbalance of the brain(as she put it), and caused me to become confused as to what I was doing. They then determined that I was safe from self harm, and that the chemical imbalance was the cause of my "temporary insanity", and that I would be released from custody.
Being there has just made me more determined to do this.
Fuck I am so miserable right now. I have been up and down on emotions, and though I never cry, I have been on the verge of it since I've been home.
But anyway, I'm baaaaaack......
