Be the hero or the poet?

[ctrl-alt-relief]

My life has been hard but no harder than others I'm sure. I tried to CTB with a gun when I was young, it jammed twice. Whenever I tell that story everyone tells me how lucky I am. I dont feel lucky, and in fact in the moment I don't know why I didn't try again. It did give me some strength tho for awhile knowing that if I ever needed it I had the willpower to end it. I think I'm done suffering now, I don't want to use the same method as I don't want such a gruesome scene left behind. I kind of don't want to be known ctb victim tho... the stigma that leaves doesn't set right with me because people label them as sad and disturbed and needed help. I dont believe that, I don't need help... im just choosing when and how I leave and there something a bit magical about that, something so poetic to be able to go peacefully on your own terms not the terms this life as dictated for you. I'm still shopping for my ticket home, I know I can't change the stigma and part of me wants to try to make a statement with it and try to change it but the other part thinks maybe I just go to a bad part of town and get into a gun fight atleast then I'll go out marked a hero....

Anyone know of a good way yo go and not be labeled?

Death is so simple, life is the hard part.