Venting Be proud of me, dammit

[aimless_arrow]

I just want someone in my life to tell me they're proud of me. All throughout secondary school and university I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. My mom is a single parent and we had to live with my aunt and her family because we were too poor to afford a house. I've never had a good environment to study; my aunt would throw away my school things on the regular, put me down and blast shit on the TV loud enough that I needed earplugs to do schoolwork (I didn't have my own room - I only had a small desk in the living room to study). I remember finding my belongings and family photos (!) in the communal dumpster coming home from school. My mom told me my uncle used to beat me too but I don't remember any of it except once when I had to hide in the bathroom while he was screaming at me and banging on the door.

All of this plus other traumatic BS and I still managed to not flunk out of school and even got a full scholarship to my university. I'm doing postgrad now though things are not going well. My mental health is at an all-time low. I'm not flaunting or anything. It's just that nobody has ever been proud of me for any of this. I could've easily mixed with the wrong crowd, done drugs, gotten pregnant, etc. People just take me for granted and say they expected me to do well anyway. But when I mess up and do things like cut myself or mention that I want to die they get so angry. I don't get it.

Also, a funny thing is my estranged father recently added me on Facebook and all he does is spam me with good morning messages every day with those cheesy boomer images. Sometimes he'll even send me photos of his breakfast. It's as if he thinks that'll make up for his gambling problem that split our family apart and was the reason I had to live with my abusive relatives. I know why he's reaching out to me; he knows that I'm an adult now and wants some hand-outs. It's just so ridiculous I don't know whether to laugh or cry. If I had a good family I know I'd have been unstoppable. But now I'm stuck here, having to pick up the pieces myself and always getting put down at the same time. I know my situation isn't as bad as many of you here but I'm so tired. I just want to CTB and be done with all this.

Sorry for the rant, it's all over the place but my mind is a mess right now.

 

[SadJessu]

We may not know each other, but I'm proud of you. You've lived a difficult life while people have abused you and taken you for granted, but you have survived. Not only have you survived, you managed to keep yourself out of trouble and do well academically, that is something to be very proud of. Being a functional person while also being deeply depressed is an amazing feat, you're very strong, even if you don't feel that way. I believe that you could keep surviving, take the feelings as they come, but keep fighting (yeah yeah, not very pro-death of me, but whatever). You ARE unstoppable, you've risen above so much.

Also: 'I know my situation isn't as bad as many of you here but I'm so tired'. This isn't the depression Olympics, everything you feel is very real and valid. You have just as much of a right to express your feelings as anyone else. Never feel that your suffering is 'less than', it is yours, it matters.

 

[aimless_arrow]

We may not know each other, but I'm proud of you. You've lived a difficult life while people have abused you and taken you for granted, but you have survived. Not only have you survived, you managed to keep yourself out of trouble and do well academically, that is something to be very proud of. Being a functional person while also being deeply depressed is an amazing feat, you're very strong, even if you don't feel that way. I believe that you could keep surviving, take the feelings as they come, but keep fighting (yeah yeah, not very pro-death of me, but whatever). You ARE unstoppable, you've risen above so much.

Also: 'I know my situation isn't as bad as many of you here but I'm so tired'. This isn't the depression Olympics, everything you feel is very real and valid. You have just as much of a right to express your feelings as anyone else. Never feel that your suffering is 'less than', it is yours, it matters.

Thank you so much for your reply, I'm holding back my tears just reading it. I don't have friends irl so it's hard to find someone to talk to. I really am just trying to survive day by day... some days are particularly hard.

It's funny, I'm rather new here and kind of expected this place to be mostly people goading others to kill themselves (like how the media makes it out to be). But really I feel safer and more free to vent here than to anyone else in my life.

 

[SilentSadness]

Some people have said they are proud of me, it seems empty and shallow though and I don't feel anything from it. People are definitely very quick to judge when others say things they disagree with, it's just the nature of humans to be cruel and self-centred. Your life sounds dreadful and you deserve more, sadly I can't change the way things are. I hope you find peace from your trauma, I don't think I will find peace any time soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

All suffering is completely valid despite the fact that somebody else will always have it worse. Of course it's very much understandable wishing to be free from this hellish world filled with cruel humans, it certainly can be so tiring feeling trapped here, but anyway best wishes.

 

[man_in_red:)]

Damn you've definitely earned my respect if you went through all that and you still chose not to sink to your relative's level. Your one of those main characters and I'm proud and impressed at the same time. Keep fighting!

 

[heartbroken12]

It really does seem that the people who care the most end up suffering the most. It's so cruel and wrong.

 

[6MillionWaystoDie]

I'm proud of you. That's an excellent accomplishment. It's one worth celebrating yourself. I know a party of one celebrating feels like sh*t, but we need to get into the habit of cheering ourselves on for the little things. Noone knows better than a traumatized, abused, and or suicidal person what a tremendous feat it is to dig deep into the pit of despair and use it as fuel for an accomplishment. People just write it off with insensitive comments such as "I knew you'd do well, anyway" which are minimizing statements. Then they expect more of the same, until your well runs dry.

These statements and actions are personally hurtful and further the pain of having people not care or take deep interest in our success. Just start viewing these people as damaged, which their actions are proving them to be. Then go out find other peers who will celebrate you, and who you are. Its the best we can do growing up in a dysfunctional environment. On that note, I'm glad you found this community.


We all need to recognize and drop the habit of comparing suffering. The public and media have well-trained us all to think in this way to make us most palatable for specific forms of manipulation in order to support specific causes. Some of the causes seem noble but most are to our personal detriment. For example suffering comparisons are used to get you to donate your last dollar to various causes and religions, despite the fact that many of those same people donating are struggling themselves. Pain comparisons are also used to guilt-shame suicidal people into being and acting in a manner that renders us well so that people don't have to deal with the reality of our infirmity. Overall comparisons have been used to bleed our mental, spiritual, and actual bank accounts dry as it bypasses our inborn natural sense of self-care first. Self-care first is a natural instinct required for individual survival. Self-care first is the same reason you are advised on a plane to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

Removing the self-care first instinct has been an intentional act to enslave us to a greater societal view that bleeding yourself dry is for your greater benefit. It desensitized society in a bad way.

- It has produced 'Hustle Culture' for which large corporations have seen the greatest benefit. Individuals have been willing to work 60-80hrs / wk for less pay during the last 1-2 decades to 'make it'.

-Individuals have now accepted there will be no pensions because after all we each can learn how to make money and figure it out for ourselves. (How's that working out?)

-It got many to go on YouTube and give their knowledge away for free such that companies have devalued our knowledge which lowered salaries for all. After-all, why pay you more its now all out there for free!

-It has made us most susceptible to unhealthy partners.

-It has made us unempathetic towards each other. Individuals no longer excercise compassion in recognizing each others' unique forms of suffering.

-It has encouraged us to deny self-mourning.

- It has even gotten us to agree subconsciously to suppressing ourselves hence your words, which btw are quite common things humans say to themselves.

As a result, we as a society are each willing to ignore our internal self-safety alarms. But most of all it has had the affect of compounding the trauma others have inflicted upon us, and normalizing it. All of that was done so that folks can preach 'get over it'. And now we each feel guilty and abnormal when we can't and don't.

Society is still fostering that idea that all one needs is a swift kick in the pants. This was a wonderful commercial that played in the 70-80s that discouraged maltreatment of mentally challenged individuals. Too bad this commercial no longer plays. It could easily be extended to other marginalized people who are non-traditionally recognized as mentally challenged individuals, namely people in this forum. As a result, all we have now is a society of broken individuals. No wonder the West is gradually falling and tearing itself down with vast amounts infighting! Actually the West is not alone. This virus is now spreading to Eastern countries as well. Just watch / read non-biased news sources!


As for your father, I'd watch him and see what he does. He'll show his true motives soon enough. You don't have to treat him mean to set and uphold clear, firm boundaries. If you setting boundaries affects your relationship, then his ulterior motives will be obvious, and his attempts to contact you will soon fade. If he becomes aggressive with his attempts and you can't handle it, however, shut it down in the name of self-care first.


As for the media, it is obvious that the specific reporter had personal motives. And from my perspective, its nothing more than to become famous. It's unfortunate that those parents can't see it due to their own personal impure motives and pain. They are all willing to be used; and continue use each other to further their ridiculous causes. Nothing but dogs eating dogs as usual. That Twohey b*tch now has a crappie movie out (didn't finish the movie but the first 1/2 hr left much to be desired). The movie was totally focused on her breaking the SA scandal not the actual victims. It's obvious she's using vulnerable people affected by taboo subject matter to further her notoriety.

Because the subject of suicide is taboo and we live in a day and age where people believe whatever is printed without deep scrutiny or personal investigation she will continue to have a weak platform. However her big mission has failed. Its obvious its nothing more than overblown hype if one is open-minded, hence the lack of traction it got along with the influx of SaSu community members. What I find most interesting however, is that many of the psychiatric professionals they have engaged with online have invalidated their cause of shutting the site down. They then get mad at those same professionals, saying they don't know what they're talking about, but then they tout such professionals are all-knowing and will help fix all of our problems. Which one is it??


Anyway welcome. I wish you much success in your postgraduate studies. Maybe its time to take a break to refuel on positive experiences vs. trauma refuel. Your tank may be running dry. Remember self-care first!

 

[SexyIncél]

You grinded through Academic Hunger Games -- and won! Despite people bringing you down to keep your confidence from rising

Sure wish you were in my family. Someone who probably LIKES losing themself in the library stacks...

 

[OceanBlue]

You've come far.. your freedom from your family is close, after your studies you can find a job somewhere far away and leave them for good. Focusing on that could help.. imagine how you'd decorate your own place, adopt a companion animal or similar. No one should be stressing you out like that and pushing into CTB.

 

[kvheeo]

I just want someone in my life to tell me they're proud of me. All throughout secondary school and university I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. My mom is a single parent and we had to live with my aunt and her family because we were too poor to afford a house. I've never had a good environment to study; my aunt would throw away my school things on the regular, put me down and blast shit on the TV loud enough that I needed earplugs to do schoolwork (I didn't have my own room - I only had a small desk in the living room to study). I remember finding my belongings and family photos (!) in the communal dumpster coming home from school. My mom told me my uncle used to beat me too but I don't remember any of it except once when I had to hide in the bathroom while he was screaming at me and banging on the door.

All of this plus other traumatic BS and I still managed to not flunk out of school and even got a full scholarship to my university. I'm doing postgrad now though things are not going well. My mental health is at an all-time low. I'm not flaunting or anything. It's just that nobody has ever been proud of me for any of this. I could've easily mixed with the wrong crowd, done drugs, gotten pregnant, etc. People just take me for granted and say they expected me to do well anyway. But when I mess up and do things like cut myself or mention that I want to die they get so angry. I don't get it.

Also, a funny thing is my estranged father recently added me on Facebook and all he does is spam me with good morning messages every day with those cheesy boomer images. Sometimes he'll even send me photos of his breakfast. It's as if he thinks that'll make up for his gambling problem that split our family apart and was the reason I had to live with my abusive relatives. I know why he's reaching out to me; he knows that I'm an adult now and wants some hand-outs. It's just so ridiculous I don't know whether to laugh or cry. If I had a good family I know I'd have been unstoppable. But now I'm stuck here, having to pick up the pieces myself and always getting put down at the same time. I know my situation isn't as bad as many of you here but I'm so tired. I just want to CTB and be done with all this.

Sorry for the rant, it's all over the place but my mind is a mess right now.

You are really a strong person. A lot happened to you and even If it was hard, and still is, you are here today. You are definitely a better and stronger person, just keep on fighting, don't let others or what happened to you n the past define the person that you are today. Always be the best version of yourself. We are really proud of you. (wish I could be as strong as you are)