Venting bad place

[loserr]

i have a knife and it's 4:30 in the morning. it's a long kitchen knife. i'm too afraid of the pain of plunging it into myself but it's nice to hold. i can't kill myself anyway because my sister is getting married in a month and i actually care for that sister. and my little sister would be beyond sad. i have another sister and two good parents of course they would be heart broken too but i feel like my little sister has an attachment to me for some reason and it hurts. i'm an asshole brother and it fucking hurts so much. my parents went on a date today and told me to hang with her. i cried when i let her onto my laptop and tried to go back to sleep. i'm an asshole brother. i never, ever fucking cry. i'm pretty deep in sorrow right now. my girlfriend lives across the fucking country and i need her. should i call a suicide line to talk to someone? i don't give a fuck if i go to a mental hospital or whatever shit i just want to talk to someone without feeling like it's redundant. i don't fucking know.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful suffering like that and I understand that it's tiring feeling trapped here, I hope that you find what you search for, best wishes.

 

[lonegore]

Suicide hotlines suck most of the time. Instead, If getting locked up in a ward doesn't bother you then, telling your feelings to your closest might possibly take off some weight out of your shoulders. You're having so many responsibilities and worries so that probably pressures you a lot. Hang in there, and keep on fighting. No matter what decision you'll take, I hope it brings you freedom and peace.

 

[girlboything]

unless you're not telling us something you don't sound like an asshole brother fwiw. you obviously care about them very deeply. it's admirable that you want to wait til after the wedding at least because it would definitely put a damper on things. it's ok to cry. im sorry you're in so much pain. it doesn't make you a bad person or brother to feel this way.