Venting bad again

[SectOfValtiel]

thought things were going better, really did
ex messaged after years and things were civil, got diagnosed so now therapy is finally headed in a direction that has a chance of working, i even got a book on the diagnosis for christmas so i can do some research on my own, things were civil with the sister i live with too and that felt nice for once
i was trying again


my ex stopped replying days ago and idk, im staying relatively calm, got the urge to but i havent sent another message, but its kinda frustrating
every time i reach out or someone else does they end up ghosting me eventually haha
and its not just her, its only more intense because of how i feel about her
maybe thats not even whats happening here and im trying to keep an open mind, maybe shes busy or she forgot or she just doesnt want to talk anymore/right now, or any other list of reasons that it could be
not like we got back together or some shit, we arent even friends... it was just a conversation
realistically i didnt even think i was ever going to see her again so, i should just be happy i got to again
and i am but
it still hurts
a lot haha

yeah i have the diagnosis now but everything about it just leaves me feeling so hopeless, so unfixable
ive been trying my best but i havent been able to learn anything yet that even comes close to helping
i understand why i react the way i do better than i ever did but it doesnt change that ill still react that way
ill still feel alone or unlovable
and even though ive been forcing myself to read that book, even that hasnt been helping
all it says is to 'be mindful' about certain things in certain situations, never really explaining how or anything
how do i go from distracting myself from these issues because of the intense visceral emotions they cause me, to confronting them head-on without having constant breakdowns? its just going too slow
therapy isnt helping still
i feel so helpless and broken

my sister makes me extremely uncomfortable
ive been living with her and her boyfriend for awhile now, i dont really have a choice since my mental state just hasnt been stable enough for work
its a disgusting house enough as is filled with trash and overcrowded with cats (all hers)
awhile back she started streaming, like, as a camgirl, and that was already pretty uncomfortable since this place has paper thin walls
but you learn to manage that- blast headphones every time you leave your room or otherwise just stay clear when you know its going on
but now...
shes started to do it while keeping her bedroom door open
they dont use the kitchen anymore but i dont have a choice and its right next to her bedroom so
ive gotten insanely uncomfortable lately
one of the times i was getting my food i even yelled at her to close her door
i said 'other people live in this house, other people who are your siblings' and her response was 'other people that pay the bills' so
i guess according to her, even though it would be as simple as closing her door, i deserve the trauma because i want to kill myself too much to find a job???
to make matters worse, my mom keeps telling me shell move me in with her once they sell my grandmas house, but... the person theyre waiting on to buy it... is my sister
so no matter what im stuck here because of her
i hate her
ive been crying and relapsing constantly because im so uncomfortable and i have nowhere i can go to escape it
she doesnt care at all, she doesnt seem to understand that this isnt normal, you SHOULD care that your sibling can hear you
even if its fake or whatever excuse shes given me in the past, its disgusting and i feel disgusting every time i have to hear it
not even eating anymore because frankly i dont want to go into that kitchen just to get an earfull again
or worse, accidentally see something because she has no boundaries


i was trying my best but everything feels like its falling apart again
every time i get my hopes up that something good is going to happen, it falls apart on me and i realize why i stopped doing it all over again
i dont know what to do
i cant talk to anyone, dont have therapy until next next monday, ive relapsed twice in the past two days after being clean since like october i think, maybe even longer
i feel so alone and so helpless and yet again my minds filled with thoughts of CTB
and self-hatred for being too much of a coward to ever even attempt it
i dont want to live like this a second later and i know things cant change overnight, but my situation doesnt feel like it ever will
ive been trying for so long, 4 years at least, but nothing has ever gotten better in that time
so lost and scared and alone
i wish i could just CTB right now, not like my lifes getting any better

 

[TapeMachine]

I really hate that you are experiencing so much discomfort and helplessness right now. I'm not having a great time with my living situation either, and I also have some brain stuff that sorta keeps me feeling trapped in this house, despite the fact that I'm miserable and lonely and should probably leave. But if I leave, where do I go? I have nothing and no place to run. (No place except the next bus outta this bitch.)

But enough about my shit. (Sorry) :)

Seriously though, your sister cam-girling with the bedroom door wide open?? That's awkward and messed up, and I'm sorry you're being subjected to that (and also the relapse and stuff.)

I hope you are able to find some sort of solace/distraction today. I've been distracting my mind with a bunch of thriller movies pretty much all day.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

In regards to the ex messaging you, it's likely a matter of them just checking in with you for the sake of it. Usually, it doesn't have a deeper meaning. I feel you though, I was in your position years ago where I thought I had a chance to get back with mine, but instead it caused her to push away from me.

Not trying to discourage you, but I don't want you to get into this situation with extremely high expectations only to be let down.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I really hate that you are experiencing so much discomfort and helplessness right now. I'm not having a great time with my living situation either, and I also have some brain stuff that sorta keeps me feeling trapped in this house, despite the fact that I'm miserable and lonely and should probably leave. But if I leave, where do I go? I have nothing and no place to run. (No place except the next bus outta this bitch.)

But enough about my shit. (Sorry) :)

Seriously though, your sister cam-girling with the bedroom door wide open?? That's awkward and messed up, and I'm sorry you're being subjected to that (and also the relapse and stuff.)

I hope you are able to find some sort of solace/distraction today. I've been distracting my mind with a bunch of thriller movies pretty much all day.

you dont have to apologize for relating or opening up about your own situation
it helps knowing im not the only one so i welcome it

yeah, looking for one but
im supposed to be trying my best... just distracting myself again to cope doesnt feel like it comes close to that
thats never going to fix any of this haha i guess i just want a reason to try harder and i keep coming up short there
distractions it is i guess

In regards to the ex messaging you, it's likely a matter of them just checking in with you for the sake of it. Usually, it doesn't have a deeper meaning. I feel you though, I was in your position years ago where I thought I had a chance to get back with mine, but instead it caused her to push away from me.

Not trying to discourage you, but I don't want you to get into this situation with extremely high expectations only to be let down.

but with how badly things ended between us it just doesnt make sense... she said she wasnt even gonna message me until she found out we had the same diagnosis, so i guess youre right
but me of all people? im not someone people remember haha
its not that i think theres a chance to be together again... i dont think she could ever love me again... i dont think anyone could
i know fully well were never getting back together haha i spent the past 3 years forcing myself to understand that because i sure didnt when she was still in my life
dont think ive done anything in particular to push her away this time
i was enjoying being able to talk to someone for once
but, yeah

i never thought i was going to hear from her again, i thought she hated me this entire time
at the very least i thought she forgot i ever existed
i wouldnt say i had any expectations
but i also cant sit here and deny im still in love with her... that i havent thought about her, missed her, every single day since we met...
it just hurts is all
to have her in my life in any capacity again just brings up so much that i pushed away
as much as i already knew well enough i was still in love, now its concrete again and i have to realize all over again that nothing has changed
and im still going to miss her, still going to love someone that doesnt want me back more than likely

even if i was wrong, i hurt her once so i dont want to hurt her again
its for the best she stopped replying again
nothing to discourage so no worries, im not getting any big ideas
but still it hurts
thats all i can say, it hurts

 

[yyytry]

I'm so sorry to hear that your sister is behaving that way…it's really disturbing. I would be freaking out with revulsion and despair.

I couldn't imagine being that vocal or boundary-less with family in the house.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

My heart goes out to you @SectOfValtiel l wish l could take your pain away

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I'm so sorry to hear that your sister is behaving that way…it's really disturbing. I would be freaking out with revulsion and despair.

I couldn't imagine being that vocal or boundary-less with family in the house.

she just doesnt seem to understand how disgusting that is
she needs therapy even more than i do and i literally want to kill myself lmao

 

[FuneralCry]

I do get that it's awful when what we experience in life just gets worse and worse, causing us to suffer even more. It's like anything seen as being positive by someone only exists to be taken away, it's such an incredibly disappointing existence and there seems to be no real relief from the pain that existing brings. But anyway, best wishes.

 

[theboy]

lease another place

 

[SectOfValtiel]

lease another place

if i had money i wouldnt still be living with her, id even take a random roommate over this

 

[theboy]

if i had money i wouldnt still be living with her, id even take a random roommate over this

mmmm other relatives could helps u?

 

[SectOfValtiel]

mmmm other relatives could helps u?

definitely not