tacticalinsect
angel of the lord
- Nov 12, 2025
- 5
i actually don't want to live anymore. i thought i was getting better — i was finally confident, i finally stood up for myself.. and then i had to go and let people in again. i knew i shouldn't have trusted my dad. he's a prick, through and through. ever since i was a little kid, he'd threaten to beat the shit out of me whenever i'd cry (so much so that i forgot all above it, until now that is). that taught me to bottle shit up, and i kept it all to myself. lately, our relationship could be described as being "close" — or rather, he's the only person who willingly still talks to me everyday. i took what i could get because i know what could happen if i became lonely once again — knew i'd start hallucinating again and become overly paranoid.
i had a rough day on friday, and i told my dad about it because i felt that he would understand... i feel like i'd have a higher chance guessing the serial numbers on a monster energy drink can than getting sympathy outta this guy, because he just ended up acting like i was bothering him — as if talking to his own son was a burden. i hadn't cried in front of people before, but that was the first time in years i actually broke down. i sobbed and he just.. yelled at me. i never felt so alone in the world. but i learnt a long time ago that sometimes letting things go is for the better, so i continued spending time with him and the next day arrives. i was talking to him when he got a call. he picked up with no hesitation and began talking on the phone for 30mins - 1hr with his father about american politics (fyi, we live in australia and my dad had always said there was no reason to be concerned about another country's politics... i have a feeling he just said that because he hated when i talked about america, but everyone else? perfectly fine!).
here's the thing, i'd be okay with it if he said, oh i dunno, "sorry, can we continue this later? i have to pick this up" or literally anything — hell, i'd even be fine with it if it was the first time. whenever we speak, i often feel my dad does not care for what i have to say; i'd be talking and then my mom would interrupt and then boom, he's immediately answering her while completely dismissing me. and then when i told him i was rightfully upset, he told me i was making a big deal out of nothing — that i was fucking blowing things out of proportion and that i'm always pointing the finger (when i literally should've stopped speaking to him when i was 13 and being threatened with a beating over shedding tears "like a sissy" but i didn't because i blamed myself instead of him in that situation).
i'm not entitled, i know there are sometimes more important conversations to be had and i'd understand if i was ignored over an important question... however, what ticks me off is that it never is important. he just takes whatever opportunity given to him to avoid speaking with me. normally i wouldn't care because i'm used to this treatment by my peers, my friends, society, etc.. but this is my father. i want him to care, i want his validation, i want his love and his affection... but he keeps treating me like shit and he's the only person i considered a "friend" (if we use the term loosely). instead, he's shown me he's the same "be strong, don't cry" bully i knew when i was a little boy. now that i've been shown by life that the one person who i thought would be by my side, isn't, i actually have nobody. because recently, everyone's been avoiding/leaving me — my friends, my own mom.. i have nobody in this life. everyone i ever loved left me at my lowest and kicked me while i was down.
i hate this life, but there's no method to ctb currently available to me. i've resorted to — and genuine warning because this is kinda disgusting — autocannibalising/self-cannibalising. i began tearing pieces of my skin off and eating them, for literally no real reason other than to mutilate and punish myself. in the worst spot ever, too; my foot's heel, where it hurts like a bitch and i'm reminded of the pain every step i take. but i deserve it, because nobody fucking likes me no matter what i do — if i act overly kind and pleasant, i get treated like shit. if i assert myself, i get treated like shit. if i act like myself, i get treated like shit. i'm tired of nobody liking me. i know nobody is forced to like me, but statistically at least one person should like me, right??? except nobody does. i feel like the biggest loser and i can't live like this anymore. i don't have anything around that could kill me; i've tried inhaling that deodorant spray shit and i didn't even pass out, i tried overdosing on ibuprofen and literally nothing happened (i was 13 and stupid), i have absolutely no way out. i'm trapped in this fuckass body with nobody around me except family that fucking hates me and probably wants me gone.
oh and did i mention i was also a mistake? the condom broke and my parents had me — they argued for weeks because of it! see how i created problems without even being born yet? i was destined to ruin people's lives. and then, when i was born, they vented all their anger and frustration out on me! isn't that silly? isn't that funny???? that i was born with a narcissistic father and a mother too weak to protect her own son from the harm her husband caused him????? hilarious. abso-fuckin'-lutely laughable. you know what that means, right? it means that nobody cared from the start! and the pathetic part is i still want my parents' love. i want them to cherish me. perhaps if i die, they might finally care. would anyone even be affected at all by my death??? i dunno man, i'm just tired of life. if god or mother nature or whatever decides someone's fate could take me out on a date to the afterlife, i'd be oh-so happy (and flustered.. lil ole me, on a date with the grim reaper? hehe). no but in all seriousness, i feel like i'm gonna lose my mind if i don't kill myself soon. oh well, at least whoever's OC i am, i have, like, some edgy ass lore or whatever.
also, ignore my terrible attempts at being funny on this post, comedy is my coping mech — and one of the only things people like about me lol — so please humour me and tell me how much of a comedian i am (or don't... i'll just be over here crying in the corner, smh). anyway, i hope you have a good rest of your day/afternoon/night, whoever is reading this.
i had a rough day on friday, and i told my dad about it because i felt that he would understand... i feel like i'd have a higher chance guessing the serial numbers on a monster energy drink can than getting sympathy outta this guy, because he just ended up acting like i was bothering him — as if talking to his own son was a burden. i hadn't cried in front of people before, but that was the first time in years i actually broke down. i sobbed and he just.. yelled at me. i never felt so alone in the world. but i learnt a long time ago that sometimes letting things go is for the better, so i continued spending time with him and the next day arrives. i was talking to him when he got a call. he picked up with no hesitation and began talking on the phone for 30mins - 1hr with his father about american politics (fyi, we live in australia and my dad had always said there was no reason to be concerned about another country's politics... i have a feeling he just said that because he hated when i talked about america, but everyone else? perfectly fine!).
here's the thing, i'd be okay with it if he said, oh i dunno, "sorry, can we continue this later? i have to pick this up" or literally anything — hell, i'd even be fine with it if it was the first time. whenever we speak, i often feel my dad does not care for what i have to say; i'd be talking and then my mom would interrupt and then boom, he's immediately answering her while completely dismissing me. and then when i told him i was rightfully upset, he told me i was making a big deal out of nothing — that i was fucking blowing things out of proportion and that i'm always pointing the finger (when i literally should've stopped speaking to him when i was 13 and being threatened with a beating over shedding tears "like a sissy" but i didn't because i blamed myself instead of him in that situation).
i'm not entitled, i know there are sometimes more important conversations to be had and i'd understand if i was ignored over an important question... however, what ticks me off is that it never is important. he just takes whatever opportunity given to him to avoid speaking with me. normally i wouldn't care because i'm used to this treatment by my peers, my friends, society, etc.. but this is my father. i want him to care, i want his validation, i want his love and his affection... but he keeps treating me like shit and he's the only person i considered a "friend" (if we use the term loosely). instead, he's shown me he's the same "be strong, don't cry" bully i knew when i was a little boy. now that i've been shown by life that the one person who i thought would be by my side, isn't, i actually have nobody. because recently, everyone's been avoiding/leaving me — my friends, my own mom.. i have nobody in this life. everyone i ever loved left me at my lowest and kicked me while i was down.
i hate this life, but there's no method to ctb currently available to me. i've resorted to — and genuine warning because this is kinda disgusting — autocannibalising/self-cannibalising. i began tearing pieces of my skin off and eating them, for literally no real reason other than to mutilate and punish myself. in the worst spot ever, too; my foot's heel, where it hurts like a bitch and i'm reminded of the pain every step i take. but i deserve it, because nobody fucking likes me no matter what i do — if i act overly kind and pleasant, i get treated like shit. if i assert myself, i get treated like shit. if i act like myself, i get treated like shit. i'm tired of nobody liking me. i know nobody is forced to like me, but statistically at least one person should like me, right??? except nobody does. i feel like the biggest loser and i can't live like this anymore. i don't have anything around that could kill me; i've tried inhaling that deodorant spray shit and i didn't even pass out, i tried overdosing on ibuprofen and literally nothing happened (i was 13 and stupid), i have absolutely no way out. i'm trapped in this fuckass body with nobody around me except family that fucking hates me and probably wants me gone.
oh and did i mention i was also a mistake? the condom broke and my parents had me — they argued for weeks because of it! see how i created problems without even being born yet? i was destined to ruin people's lives. and then, when i was born, they vented all their anger and frustration out on me! isn't that silly? isn't that funny???? that i was born with a narcissistic father and a mother too weak to protect her own son from the harm her husband caused him????? hilarious. abso-fuckin'-lutely laughable. you know what that means, right? it means that nobody cared from the start! and the pathetic part is i still want my parents' love. i want them to cherish me. perhaps if i die, they might finally care. would anyone even be affected at all by my death??? i dunno man, i'm just tired of life. if god or mother nature or whatever decides someone's fate could take me out on a date to the afterlife, i'd be oh-so happy (and flustered.. lil ole me, on a date with the grim reaper? hehe). no but in all seriousness, i feel like i'm gonna lose my mind if i don't kill myself soon. oh well, at least whoever's OC i am, i have, like, some edgy ass lore or whatever.
also, ignore my terrible attempts at being funny on this post, comedy is my coping mech — and one of the only things people like about me lol — so please humour me and tell me how much of a comedian i am (or don't... i'll just be over here crying in the corner, smh). anyway, i hope you have a good rest of your day/afternoon/night, whoever is reading this.
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