It is that time again. The time where I fucked everything up and I come back here feeling like a pathetic sack of shit, to look up the latest trends on how to leave this awful excuse of a life. Why do I always long for the darkness? And I mean the darkness in the most pathetic shitty way possible, not the cool edgy anime darkness.
I had someone who loved me and what did I do, I keep thinking about myself, with no regards for other people. I keep thinking "this is nice but I want to be alone". I end up fucking everything up, because I want this, even though I hate it.
Why is my mind broken this way?
I don't like this feeling, I don't like being so incredibly alone, I don't like jerking off in my room, or playing video games all day long. I don't like this forum either, most of you are here just to jerk off to miserable fucks like myself, you're no different from those who collect narcos gore videos, or at least the vast majority of you are, you get a kick out of this. And I understand that. I am like that too. I feel like human trash, and I want to go all in when I come here.Don't be offended though, I know there are some genuinely good people here, I can tell from their posts. When you've basically lived on the internet as long as I did, you can tell who's behind the veil by the way they type. People who want to help, people who really suffered and want it to end.
Speaking of which, am I a good person? Probably not, even though I didn't do anything that bad, I'm just broken, and useless. I can't do anything because my mind is defective, years of isolation, the bullying I endured, the being "that weird guy", the one nobody likes; this is why I am like this, it has to be. I wasn't like that when I was young.
But... is this kind of darkness addictive? Is being depressed addictive, like those drugs, that you know are bad for you, but you can't stop even if they rot your brain and body? I hate it, it makes me want to kill myself, but here I am, because I wanted this! Had my once in a lifetime chance, and I fucked it up.
I don't even feel sad anymore, just angry and disappointed. I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everything and everyone. I have no hope left, no tears. I used to feel sad at some point, not anymore. My mind it totally broken. I guess this is the mindset you have when you do it. Not sad, not crying, but completely empty, with a smile even, as you think how badly you fucked up to end up like this. My SN is waiting, I'll probably do it by the end of the year. Nobody will miss me.
I had someone who loved me and what did I do, I keep thinking about myself, with no regards for other people. I keep thinking "this is nice but I want to be alone". I end up fucking everything up, because I want this, even though I hate it.
Why is my mind broken this way?
I don't like this feeling, I don't like being so incredibly alone, I don't like jerking off in my room, or playing video games all day long. I don't like this forum either, most of you are here just to jerk off to miserable fucks like myself, you're no different from those who collect narcos gore videos, or at least the vast majority of you are, you get a kick out of this. And I understand that. I am like that too. I feel like human trash, and I want to go all in when I come here.Don't be offended though, I know there are some genuinely good people here, I can tell from their posts. When you've basically lived on the internet as long as I did, you can tell who's behind the veil by the way they type. People who want to help, people who really suffered and want it to end.
Speaking of which, am I a good person? Probably not, even though I didn't do anything that bad, I'm just broken, and useless. I can't do anything because my mind is defective, years of isolation, the bullying I endured, the being "that weird guy", the one nobody likes; this is why I am like this, it has to be. I wasn't like that when I was young.
But... is this kind of darkness addictive? Is being depressed addictive, like those drugs, that you know are bad for you, but you can't stop even if they rot your brain and body? I hate it, it makes me want to kill myself, but here I am, because I wanted this! Had my once in a lifetime chance, and I fucked it up.
I don't even feel sad anymore, just angry and disappointed. I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everything and everyone. I have no hope left, no tears. I used to feel sad at some point, not anymore. My mind it totally broken. I guess this is the mindset you have when you do it. Not sad, not crying, but completely empty, with a smile even, as you think how badly you fucked up to end up like this. My SN is waiting, I'll probably do it by the end of the year. Nobody will miss me.
you do sound like a pretty good person, don't beat yourself up 
