Venting Awful intrusive thoughts

[Lullaby]

Was really debating on sharing this, but it's been such a struggle to deal with.

I've probably been the most productive I've been in a couple of years, and yet I feel so utterly and totally alone. It sucks, working really hard all day, while being totally berated over everything little thing by one of my junior instructors. Then coming and looking for support and getting absolutely nothing, from anyone. It really hurts.

I'll post on my social media, that's just filled with all of my family members and people that I've known since elementary school, about what's going on in my life or being really proud of something I did…and I'll just get absolutely nothing. Then I'll just my Facebook memories, me from 10-12 years ago, just venting or talking about anything, and it's the same thing; nothing. No one cares.

For some reason lately, it's been impacting me more than usual. It feels like I either get treated like garbage or as if I'm completely nonexistent by people I know and don't know that well equally, and it just has me so fucked. Even online, I feel like I'll just try to talk and no one cares. This is probably the only place I feel like I get treated like I exist, like I'm not an alien.

A big reason that I've always hesitated with CTB, is that I don't want to hurt anyone else by making such a final decision, but these days I've been like, I don't really care. Then recently my thoughts have gotten more spiteful…like wanting to livestream my attempt as a big FU to everyone in my life on the way out.

I would never do something like that, but the fact that I'm even starting to think this stuff has me a little distressed. It has me questioning my thoughts, my feelings, my mental state; I feel like I'm going crazy. I've never been the type to hurt anyone; physically emotionally or mentally. So it's just really upsetting the I've deteriorated to the point that would even pop up in my head. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

I'm feeling pretty lost about everything, my future. If I'm making the right decisions/steps or if I'm just wasting time. Recently, it just feels like it would be better for everyone if I was gone. I just wish it was that easy.

Rather than just push it down and forget, I figured it would be better to just vent. My depression really feels like black tar, and talking about it helps get some of it out.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I deal with those kinds of intrusive thoughts all the time, but I don't think they make you a horrible person for having them. It was probably your instructor being so hard on you when you're doing your best that set this all in motion and the lack of support from your friends and family is just fanning the flames.

For what it's worth, I think you've done some amazing things in your attempt at recovery. Even if your instructor is being unfair, just remember, the dogs still appreciate all the work you put into making them feel better, especially the one that had its hair growing over its eyes. Their new hairdos looked really good as well.

 

[Lullaby]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I deal with those kinds of intrusive thoughts all the time, but I don't think they make you a horrible person for having them. It was probably your instructor being so hard on you when you're doing your best that set this all in motion and the lack of support from your friends and family is just fanning the flames.

For what it's worth, I think you've done some amazing things in your attempt at recovery. Even if your instructor is being unfair, just remember, the dogs still appreciate all the work you put into making them feel better, especially the one that had its hair growing over its eyes. Their new hairdos looked really good as well.

Thank you, that really means a lot.

The whole process is just really hard, one day I might be doing okay and the next I'm falling apart. I almost feel like I'm on a roller coaster.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do think that many people can be disappointing, unreliable and of course selfish, as they only care about what directly affects themselves. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, I can imagine that it must be tiring what you are going through. It seems as though in this life it is impossible to escape from suffering. I hope that you find relief from your thoughts.

 

[outrider567]

Was really debating on sharing this, but it's been such a struggle to deal with.

I've probably been the most productive I've been in a couple of years, and yet I feel so utterly and totally alone. It sucks, working really hard all day, while being totally berated over everything little thing by one of my junior instructors. Then coming and looking for support and getting absolutely nothing, from anyone. It really hurts.

I'll post on my social media, that's just filled with all of my family members and people that I've known since elementary school, about what's going on in my life or being really proud of something I did…and I'll just get absolutely nothing. Then I'll just my Facebook memories, me from 10-12 years ago, just venting or talking about anything, and it's the same thing; nothing. No one cares.

For some reason lately, it's been impacting me more than usual. It feels like I either get treated like garbage or as if I'm completely nonexistent by people I know and don't know that well equally, and it just has me so fucked. Even online, I feel like I'll just try to talk and no one cares. This is probably the only place I feel like I get treated like I exist, like I'm not an alien.

A big reason that I've always hesitated with CTB, is that I don't want to hurt anyone else by making such a final decision, but these days I've been like, I don't really care. Then recently my thoughts have gotten more spiteful…like wanting to livestream my attempt as a big FU to everyone in my life on the way out.

I would never do something like that, but the fact that I'm even starting to think this stuff has me a little distressed. It has me questioning my thoughts, my feelings, my mental state; I feel like I'm going crazy. I've never been the type to hurt anyone; physically emotionally or mentally. So it's just really upsetting the I've deteriorated to the point that would even pop up in my head. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

I'm feeling pretty lost about everything, my future. If I'm making the right decisions/steps or if I'm just wasting time. Recently, it just feels like it would be better for everyone if I was gone. I just wish it was that easy.

Rather than just push it down and forget, I figured it would be better to just vent. My depression really feels like black tar, and talking about it helps get some of it out.

'Like black tar' That's my depression too, been almost 6 months now, still feel my mental state will just continue to permanently remain hopeless and bleak for all of eternity

 

[bury_my_lovely]

You feel let down. It's okay to be angry. There's a difference between feeling and fantasising and actually doing it.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

The whole process is just really hard, one day I might be doing okay and the next I'm falling apart. I almost feel like I'm on a roller coaster.

I'm on the same roller coaster. The highs can feel really good, but the lows are so close to the ground it feels like I'm going to crash. It sucks working your ass off for something, only for it to feel like it's going nowhere. I can't wait to get off this ride.

 

[Cosmic dust]

Many such cases nowadays. So many people feeling alone and ignored, feeling like their life is a waste.

Sometimes I try to make sense of it, blaming capitalism, consumerism and new technologies, for making people selfish, distant and unrealiable, and for bringing new standards for life, but it was probably always like this, right? Is there no way out of it?

 

[outatime_85]

The whole process is just really hard, one day I might be doing okay and the next I'm falling apart. I almost feel like I'm on a roller coaster.

I'm sorry you are going through so much loneliness and that your thoughts are fouling up your mood and days.

I think some of us here can understand what you are feeling and maybe even understand the thoughts you are expressing.

The fact that you are still trying to kick life in the nuts even though you are feeling and having the thoughts you have says a lot.

I hope you have many more happy days than sad days as the week progresses.